Sunday, December 30, 2007

drifting to 08

Here we are on the 31st waiting to party the night away till the year 08.
I dont know man, it's not such a big deal that the new year is approaching. We dont have to party hard for the date to move. It will still move. This is causing all the traffic and ridiculous amounts of garbage flying around the roads. I swear, its like that here.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Just that sometimes i get so moody when its the time of the month you know. I just feel that no one really understands my needs anymore, including him. I haven't seen john in a few weeks. To some people that may be an easy one if their entire relationship was based apart from each other, like my best friend Murti for example. For some reason, it's tough for me to do it with john, when you're apart, you have bad feelings about everything, yeah you want to trust the guy, but when you guys argue, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it till he flies down here then you can kick his ass.
I think i just need to occupy my head with useful things like yoga, yknow balance the mind, body, and soul. Connect whatever with whatever. I know it sounds very commercialized and stuff, hell yeah it is hollywoods favorite shit..but whatever you know if it works, it works. And i've always been used to active exercise, it's time i slow down and try something that requires the long stretch and flexibility.
Fcuk! My right arm hurts like hell man, i dont know i spent hours lastnight trying to improve my pool skills..haha i didn't improve. duh.
Sometimes im not happy in this relationship, but sometimes i really feel like im happy. It all depends on the mood. There are moments when you cherish the bond and everythings perfect and you're not fighting. But when you argue, you just dont know how the hell it happened. Like one moment you're loving and you just can't keep ur hands off each other, the next you're just freakin screaming ur bloody lungs our gasping for more air and energy to scream more! haha. yeah well its crazy sometimes.
I miss my johnny boy..i haven't seen him in so long that i've almost forgotten the way he looks. I have pictures and memories, but when i close my eyes, its hard to really imagine him. It's been quite long actually. I don't think i can do long distance, no matter how much you love a person or care for them, long distance just suffocates your freedom to do things. It's crap. It puts me in a tight situation.
ahhh enough of this relationship crap. I want to have a decent night with beer and friends. thats all.

Thursday, December 20, 2007


08 is slowly approaching. What am i gonna do about it? The graduation ceremonys on febo. That's the only thing i'm holding on to before i find myself a decent job with decent pay. I know most definitely that i dont want to grow up and experience the life of a loser. I want to work at least. Saying it is easy, but going through it takes forever.

I'll be going to hongkytown in a few hours. I hope i enjoy myself, use my leisure time there to really just get out of the world and think and think. I need to think..and i can't think when i'm at home, and i can't think when i'm in my second home. I know i can think elsewhere tho. It's really odd.

I dont know, my time in jakarta this time of the year feels really i dont know...different. Friends are different and they have more to say, but i dont quite feel tight with them anymore. I mean yeah we're still tight through reminiscing about who fell and who embarassed themselves in highschool .But thats it. How about being tight when you mature? I dont jsut feels weird. I mean i do have fun with em. But it fuckin sux that everyones so busy or so not interested in driving to see their own friends. I'm getting lazy as well. I feel bad...but seriously there's no excitement or push anymore. It's just staying at home and waiting for someone to force your ass out the door. it's just like that.

I miss johnnyboy. I really do. I used to think that this relationship was a wreck. But now, i dont know distance really makes the heart grow fonder. It's true. When i'm with him, i dont feel i miss em, only when i'm away and they are out of complete sight, thats when i miss the shit out of em.

that's all i have to say.
i dont think i'll be writing till next year.
adios amigos.

Monday, November 26, 2007

i miss.

Hey you,
long time no see.

My days have been alright. What spiced up my life was the exhibition match that happened a few days back. It was federer against pete sampras. God, it was a beautiful game, it was great to watch it live rather than through the tv screen. It was reality infront of your eyes i tell you.
I miss mbok jamu and krispo. God, i dont know how i'll ever live life without having friends like them. Here i am, busy with life here. There they are, living it up someplace else. But when we meet, the retardation comes up. That's waht i can't live without. Life here is sad.

My cat ranaway, the cutest thing ever decided to pack its balls and leave for perhaps some notorious gang or some hot furry feline. I miss him so. I just dont knwo how to get to him. He's off the grounds, away from this place, perhaps far far away in neverland. I have no idea. i will search the streets of the night and day until i find this furry ass.

I miss home. I miss mummy. I miss my sisters.
missing a shizload of peeps right now.
bellio signing off.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Pulp fiction is stranger than fiction.

Today, i woke up at 3pm in the afternoon with no food. Guess what? That's what pizza hut is for, immediate delivery! Not. They told us that since the rain was so heavy and it would affect time and transport, we have to umbrella ourselves all the way there. Which was really selfish of them. Their delivery men serve a purpose there, and that is to serve their loyal customers who want a fucking bloody supreme pizza with garlic bread. And these bloody malaysians are so lazy, they can't do shit but just stay under the rain pathetically waiting for us to fetch it ourselves.
The fuck is the point of delivery then? Pissed my ass off.

I've been feeling really nauseous these days. I was chopping some vegetables a few days back to make some salad and all of a sudden my vision turned real blur and i could see tiny fragments of light around. They say that it's due to loss of blood. Which was true, cuz i was having my period. But the point is, that is scary. Your vision starts to weaken, then 30 minutes later you get this pounding effect in your head, then you start to feel like you're one pregnant mofo needing a bowl to puke on. So then i puke over and over again, it seemed endless. When i was going through ultimate pain, i started to envy all those that were being bums outside the living room. I started to feel so depressed and i even bothered to pray my ass off to MR.GOD so that he could work his magic on me. It didnt work.

I can't even think right now. I just feel like typing my thoughts off.
I've been into Sangria these days, its a medicine to cure depression and active temper. I just realized that i throw tantrums out of the blue. I just throw em and the shittiest thing is while im being all psychotic, i dont give a fuck about people's feelings. I realized that i do have pretty serious mood swings and a powerful temper. It runs in the blood of my loved ones. Most especially my father. He is one hot tempered dude.

I watched Pulp Fiction for the very first time. I fell in love with it the minute it started. The minute the awkwardness appears with the subtle taste of music, i had a huge crush. It was fucking brilliant. I swear to god, watch it over and over again till your eyes melt because Quentin Tarantino rocks our world. I just love the way he gets great actors and makes them look so vulnerable or so suave. It's fuckin cool. The soundtrack is beautiful, it's bloody gorgeous, you just want to listen to each song and replay the movie in your head. I love the part where Uma Thurman and John Travolta were in the JackRabbits contest doing the strong twist, then the music came up. Fucking classic scene. The dialogues superb, its just diggable. It's smart, its hilarious, its serious, its tasty, its classic, it roasts your mind, it generates an ambience, it makes you want to be something illegal. And that's really out of the box smart, its just a unique invention. I'm glad i watched it today to appreciate it, cuz if it came out in the 90's i wouldn't really understand shit about it.

Anyways i'm going to be watching Sliding Doors. All the old movies that bring back old memories of your childhood days. Perfecto.

I can't wait.


Monday, September 17, 2007

just a simple drop of flat lines

Dear you,
Wow, anyways its been ages since i've been really lonely. At times, i do feel lonely but i meant the type of lonely when you just have no one to call because you feel pathetic to call people to talk. The type of lonely when no ones around to give a shit about you or your small back ache. the type of lonely that just keeps you dying inside until someone rescues you by taking you to watch some weird movie. That's the type of lonely i'm highlighting. It's horrible. But i've been through a few years of that, i just make do with the people i have, even if i dont like some of them, at least i try to.
I'm not that lonely now, I'm pretty satisfied with life. I haven't really been a bum, i've just been bumming around, but today after that tiring survey we did..shit i felt like it burnt a bloody hole in my brain. The forced effort really exhausts you like a fuck. I hate studying, somehow this sem i'm really not up for academic action, i'm not really up for proper education. I'm not up for an empty class and its empty seats. Im not up for cafeteria breaks and endless views of the freshies wearing hideous clothes. I'm not up for anything actually. I'm open to the bed, the place where all my thoughts sink in for the night and turn into dreams, some nightmares, some beautiful and colorful. Just the way i like my life to run, in dreamland manner.
I'm here smoking my cigarette, these Marlboros are always here with me in times of need and for small emergencies. When i think about who's been there for me, no one beats these sticks. I've cut down though, i used the nicotine patch, i wish i could quit naturally with all the willpower and crap, but hey either way i'm cutting down by enormous chunks. It feels better for my body, now i have space to breath and think while i still enjoy these babies of mine.
i've been quite a depressed log for a few weeks, even the short trip to Bali didn't do much for me, but it was fun. Fun is fun, it doesnt mean it kills the sadness and stress. It just makes you forget for like an hour, then again, it boomerangs back and puts you right back in the hardcore side of life.
i finally watched THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS. I thought it was brilliant. The type of movie you need to have a cigarette to. As gwyneth paltrow (Margot)slowly takes drags in nearly every episode throughout the whole movie, you will soon realize by the end of the movie that you've been smoking like a train.
I had a small talk with Brian, he seems depressed but not so at the same time. Some people are pros at pinning their lives in the shit hole. Some dont see the shit hole. I think its healthy for him to be sad at times, i mean complaining helps you realize that you're being such a nag. As time passes you will soon see that you're being an old hag that loves the art of nagging.
I've been quite bored these days with the way things are going in my bubble. I dont know when it will pop for me to see more things. It's just a flat line all the way, no heart beat, no speed bumps, just a long road of boredom awaits me.
I guess i have to get my ass off this seat and do something else. I've had enough time doing this.
i'm off now, to somewhere.

Friday, August 31, 2007

chef belly

Hey you,
i haven't been doing much lately, just been floating my boat, melting the candle, going with the flow. I've been letting nothing direct me. I have no direction these days, just lingering my thoughts and goals in another island while i mantain this bum bum ness. I'll be hardworking soon though, there are a couple of group projects that make my mind tick. And it's gonna get me itchy if no one has any sense of responsibility. I'm not saying i'm always the leader, i'm just saying that i can't stand it when people dont handle things and leave it in a clutter. I hate clutters, they are fuckin assholes. they ruin your life by blocking it with piles of shit. John and i have been hanging out quite a fair bit, we do laid back activities like board games, watching movies, analyzing each others comments and opinions. I think its healthy, it's great. Finally, the time has come, we are true to each other. These past few months have been odd, we were that insecure. But now, now im happy. I managed to shove myself through the hole instead of avoiding it like i always do. I do meaningful things now like take a drive, enjoy the nightlife outdoors instead of the nightlife i've experienced in clubs. I just drink hot tea and sit and talk. That's what i do. I love what i do.
There are many things i have yet to explore here. We're making plans, lots of em, we wanna go hiking, white water rafting, exploring stuff, and well we both just wanna be happy. A realization hit me a few days back, the realization of how uptight i used to be in relationships, how selfish and prideful i once was. Now when i think about myself and look at that pathetic image, i hate that part of me, the heartless side, perhaps i should be more of myself instead of protecting myself. It's like i seem to think that every guy i dates gonna get back at me, so hide in my stupid nutshell and just wait till the trouble no longer looks like trouble then i just get out and start more trouble i guess. Well i want to stop that, i want to manage this life, i want to understand my partner, i want to understand what it is like to have a beautiful relationship instead of giving up on it. I want to understand why i have to bear with the ugliness and be patient. I find that through the ugly, there's always another side you'll set foot in, that's the reality of things, the beauty of how relationships and people. It's unique, every person you're committed to changes you and vice versa. You do different thinks, get a taste of different types of humor and its just a big difference. At least you dont do the same darn things.
I'll be going to bali for two days soon, i dont know why i'm going, but mainly cuz of my mother and the bintangs. I want to get really tan and just worn out my skin, i'm sick of looking so pale and dead. I want some color. i want some fun.
Another thing i plan to do is cook. check out the recipes. Test my patience on the cook book more like it. I will try out something easier, then it'll be more complicated, then it will come to marinating bits and pieces. The type of cooking that requires more than a few knives and bowls here and there. The ones with impossible ingredients, herbs, and shit like that. Just those amazing shits. I watched Ratatouille, i swear to god, that movie rocked. Fucking inspired me to actually cook. haha..
anyways will get back to you another day, fingers are dying on me.
till then, when i complete the recipe.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

My ML500

Greetings Mojito.
It's amazing how internship has given me so much time to dwell with you. To write with you and share my deep and dark thoughts. haha i kid, i kid. Anyways, i miss Will Ferrell, i haven't spotted him in any upcoming movies. Even the rumors don't say shit these days. Maybe i 'm just apart from E Channel, so i'm lost entertaintment wise. But it's not such a big deal for me, i just love Will Ferrell, i haven't even watched ELF yet. Can you imagine? John says its one of his finest flicks. So i'ma check that shit out. haha we're both Will Ferrell Fanatics. I had a really bad day yesterday, i was tired from work, i had a chitty chat with Kelly, we reminisced, we gossiped, we did what we could do given the time was nearly midnight. And both of us are under internship so we need to finish our last week and set a clean record. So both of us were already tired but the conversation reminded me of the old days when she would sleep over and we would tease guys and people. Those days were so fuckin memorable, i'll never forget that. If i need some fun, Kelly will deliver it to me. I miss her man. It's been dust years, i always say. Man, Michael learns to Rock is coming to town, i do not recall liking them, but their songs are so tacky and cheesy that you just keep singing it or thinking about it. It's a freakin cliche Karaoke song, they have that karaoke beat that all these expensive chinese karaoke centers in Kota have. Like people with bad english will sing along to these songs because its so easy to follow the beat and words. They sound the same, god dammit, it sounds the same. Like paint my love, nothing to lose, you took my heart away? All the same shit. Same shit yo. Anyways, i was thinking to myself about personal goals? I never thought about what car i'd like to buy for myself. I'm just thinking of moving to Spain with family, get a bungalow, and live our lives learning how to speak the language. It's fun, don't you think? I dont know that's my goal. I dont know if i'll ever touch it...but it's so easy for a goal to erase, that's when your thoughts and needs change, then your goals either become harder to achieve or too easy. But i was thinking if i had a goal, I don't really need a sports car or whatever. I am a big Mercedez fan, but i do not mind the BMW 6 bloody fuckin beautiful series. Now that's the best shit BMW came up with. Anyways the car i would want to be realistic about in this life i have is the 2007 MERC ML500 SUV. Fucking gorgeous SUV. That's probably the car of my choice now. As for sports, we're talking cars that cost just as much as elite houses or perhaps even more. I'd go for the MERC 2006 SLR McLaren. Ohmyfuckin god, it really pumps up the adrenaline rush in me. It's a hot car. It's the car i'll be glad with. I swear. I just like it. But for now my goal is to at least buy my mum something big, something that will surprise her. And i will. I strongly believe i can.
Fuck i miss bali, i miss the smell of the incense stix, i just miss it. I know i go there often but so what you know..its great, i love it.
Anyways im looking forward to Bandung, the last time i went there i was still fat. I can recall that. anyways

Monday, July 16, 2007

that wish-i got it.

Lastnight, i was granted one small wish. A meaningful one. John finally understood what i wanted from him, we finally managed to share our dreams and desires, our likes and dislikes without a single argument. I congratulate this relationship, i guess sensitivity really does affect people. It always does, it puts yourself down. What can i say, we are all stupid HUMAN BEANS (quote Janice) i like that term, we are beans, we think like beans at times. I dont recall when we are ever really understanding and smart. There is not one day where we go by not doing something stupid.
The conversation was solid, it lasted for hours. It was enjoyable for me. That finally the guy that i once hated to be in a relationship with, broke up with several times, finally got around to digging into my brain. Gathering my thoughts and empathizing. That is his job, my job is to give him the confidence every man wants..that confidence, the drive.
Yeah that just really made my day. I dont mind skipping my beauty sleep for this talk. Its amazing, what it can do, how it can make two stubborn people wake up to a point of realization.
I'm going to cut it short right now. for love, cheers.
A toast to thelast week of internship, time to get serious.

Monday, July 02, 2007

the world, sweet but frustratin'

Hey you little whore.
haha. Anyways i've been so random these days. This applies to my thoughts, my life, my surroundings, my friends, my boyfriend, my food, my drinks, my hours, my life again. It's an upside down life i'm living right now. Back home, it's my life of whcih i'm used to and everythings just there for you to grab. Here..i go find things to grab and it's getting really tiring. Even with my own boyfriend, he's so spoilt..he needs me to give him attention. We had this weird fight this morning, the stupidest shit ever..i swear i regret it wholeheartedly. Arguing about whether or not i watch CNN? Excuse me John, i've been watching CNN everyday to check the latest updates about the WORLD. It's just that the stories focusing on the states is much more interesting than the world news. Thats all. And we fought about that. Really, fuck ur attitude JOhn, fuck it. It's annoying me like a fat fly on shit.
I want to go back home so bad, i dont remember the last time i enjoyed my morning and evening drags sitting on my black ikea couch while sipping off to hot tea or a hot milo. I dont remember just relaxing after a nice warm shower and feeding my eyeballs with cool books and those Asian Ghost stories. I don't remember my "ALONE" time. When will i ever get my alone time? I think i should move out to a studio Apartment. No housemates, no extra expenses, no dirt, no problems. Just mine. I'm beign so selfish right now, but i would kill to breathe alone and to eat alone and to freakin read a book alone wtihout people asking me wht the books about and where did i get it and all that fuckin shit. I miss those times with just me. I miss creating things, making cards, drinking a beer, just being alone keeps you on track. Because you get time to focus on yourself adn your thoughts. Which means your thoughts won't be interrupted or crossed over by people who disagree with em or have their own thoughts to voice out. dont need that shit everyday (which is what i've been getting every bloody day) it's frustrating. It sucks the life out of me. Keeps me motionless, expressionless, quiet, and bitchy. And i hate being like that, its a natural reaction when you've been spending a huge amount of time with the same person. So true. I'm sure he's feeling the same way too. Yknow having a girlfriend that can barely control her temper, walks away because she likes to avoid confrontation. Doesn't give enough shit about him when he's sick. I'm sure he feels like i treat him like shit. I dont know man. Do i? I really needa learn that part of me. All my friends are slowly making me realize that this is me, the bitch, or the ass, either both of em.
im out. annoyed really at the world.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

bumble bee.

Hey there blogster pants.

Yeah i spent two days in was hectic. But i had fun with don and muri. Anyways i asked Don about Putra, apparently she loves him but she's not in love with him. Yknow what? That term is awesome, i completely agree with it. That's probably how i feel for John, and all along, i was just confused whether i was in love because i'm most definitely not in love with him. I just love him for the things he's done, the things he does, the affection he gives me, the hot milo he bothers to make. All these things, i love him for. Its more of an external thing, as in i love him for the things he has done for me, but i do not love him deeply for who he is. I'm not in love yet, i'm not so sure if i will or not. So thank god i was talking to Don about this, if not, i'd be doomed to explain myself to him.
John and i are going great, i was gone for two days, but i kept thinking about him, which was odd..because normally when i'm with family, everything else fades. He didn't. I kept wondering what his itinerary was over the weekends with the dudes..i just sat on my couch and pondered on whether or not he could be the right one. Klaudius thinks i should marry him, and yknow what..when i think about marriage with John, it's not so bad, but it doesn't feel right yet. Yeah really doesn't quite feel right. And it's still a big leap. I mean c'mon lets be realistic, i'm really young, i haven't really gotten a chance to be successful yet, i ain't gonna let marriage get in the way. People who wanna marry fast are just desperate fucks. I mean please...i need to stabilize myself financially. I need to own my own property, i need all these things before i get going to marriage.
Yeah...i dont know..but lastnight was a beautiful night, although i didn't get enough sleep, those hours talking and stuff were entertaining. I liked it a lot. Just felt like he's someone i could rely on when i'm hurt or feeling blue. He's my lover and my confidant. I just realized all this. Fuckin amazing huh.
Like for once, it feels right, it feels genuine..this stir of emotions between us. It just feels so right more of those awkwardness. No more.
It's just me, him, and a great conversation and plenty of lovin'.
Okay, transformers was awesome..seriously it was so fuckin awesome, i dont know how to explain it.but the robots were awesome! I liked optimus prime and bumble bee. Dude it was just wow..magnificent. Entertaining. Cool.

Monday, June 25, 2007

about a boy. the one i want.

About two days ago, i realized to myself that we all deserve a second chance. Even if we don't deserve it, at least we know what it feels like to give or get a second acceptance after the guilt. For the first time in my life, i let go of him but took him back because when i looked at his face, i knew he needed to be forgiven, like he had nothing else to say. When people are speechless, i believe that that's where the most guilt is. I don't want to keep reminding myself of what happened, it's the past and i have already forgiven him so there's nothing much i can look forward to except major improvement between us and room for pure understanding and amazing sex. I believe that will be the key to a healthy relationship.
I just realized my type of guy as well. He has to be completely responsible, doesn't laze around in bed too often unless he's really sick once in a while. He has to be more successful than me, he has to be career-driven, ambitious, powerful, a knock out, just great at arguments with me to the extend of me agreeing. He has to understand me yet tell me off in a smooth way so i will fall even more for it instead of blow my buttons. I need him to be creative and cute and smart and he has to be intellectual...a charismatic chap. He has to get along well with my friends, he has to love animals the same way i do, he has to have experiences that will amaze me. He has to play sports with me, he has to play pool with me and beat me. I need someone like this, someone so tough, someone that could turn me on this way. He has to drink tiger beer with me whether he likes it or not, because when i need beer, i need it to chillax..and i want him to do it with me even if he has some sort of diarrhea, or even if he's sick and feels like puking. He has to juggle the time of playing the good and bad boy role. He has to be versatile, flexible to situations, knowing that i'm gonna stir up the fight and verbally abuse him with words. He has to know im mean but love me for the way i am. I know its selfish, but i need that for once..i need that attention...i barely ask for attention, barely ever. I dont think i do. That's waht i realized. But of course i can never get this mad combo all in one bloke. I guess i have to date itsy bitsy parts of it in every guy so i can confirm that in life, no dude...can ever be what i want and i have to live with the sad fuckin fact that i have to adapt to every type of bad quality he has. He has to be a great fucking flirt, he has to have the best jokes, he has to laugh at my jokes for me, he has to make me pancakes for breakfast, he has to cook for me. He has to just love me and love me when i least deserve it, cuzthats when i need it most. He has to love my mother and my mother has to love him back. He has to take care of my sisters, so i wouldn't worry so much. He has to take care of me when i'm a living hell. That's the only way i could love a guy, if he's like this. If there's anyone like this ever..i will fall madly in love with him. But is there anybody like this fantasy? No there isn't. Anyways, i'm attached, why am i wanting all this. Guess it hasn't come out from him yet and i keep waiting for the right time for him to show me all these things without leaving a single clue whatsoever. But so far, i'm glad i met him. Really i am. I just dont know how long this relationship will last, whether it will hit off. It's a pretty serious relationship between us...really. And the question is are both of us willing to move to the next chapter?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

earth to bella

Today's the day to just be back at work. I was sick for two days. Well i felt sick. haha. I dont know maybe it's just the thought of hitting the cubicle, makes me all claustrophobic and stuck. What's really pathetic is that when i get into the pantry to have my casual drags and i stare outside the window at the city, i start to really appreciate it. It's beautiful during the day, without the lighting, just with the sunlight that reflects on the trees. You can see that everything is accompanied by shadows all at once. Really nice view. The feeling of being released at the end of the day is one major relief. And i'm here inside the office, blocked from feeling the heat of the sun, just inside here, stuck in a freezer with no warmth beside me. I met john for lunch, he looked really sick, like his eye bags were purple, not grey, it just made me feel so sorry for him. I care about him a lot,but i dont know if he appreciates the attention i give him. Everytime he tells me i dont bother, it really frustrates me. I'm not that heartless, i live, i breathe the same air you all do, except the only thing that segregates us is our thinking, our tolerance, the ability to control anger or just splurt it out like a mean bitch. That's me, i splurt it out until it affects people and in the end i am filled with regret. But after all the regretting, why do i still continue to do the same? Is it because they are doing the same thing all over again, and that just shows people barely change. IF they changed, i'd change. I have made sacrifices, i have done the same. After all, i'm human, i do the same things and i need the same things. I need attention sometimes, i dont think i'm being spoilt. I just think i deserve these things sometimes, i just think that i need some tender lovin' care after a cold day at work. Just like how you get out from the pool and the winds just right there to freeze the shit outta you. Imagine, you have no towels to warm you up, wouldn't it be nice if someone could just wrap you up in that warmth and comfort? Wouldn't it be nice? It is to me.
I dont know what's been happening. Maybe i dont show that i care enough when he's sick and tired of arguing. Maybe i just push him to argue when he's weak. Maybe i'm just pure evil. Maybe i'm regretting being evil. Maybe i'll show him some more love and affection.
I watched Fantastic 4,the silver surfer. It was pretty good shit for me. I didn't watch the previous one, just this. I thought the graphics were fuckin realistic. I thought it wasn't too long or short, it flowed smoothly, kept me entertained. I was satisfied. I like the silver surfer. We had this relation, this chemistry. haha...he's gonna take me out on his board..we're gonna go downtown and party till the crack of dawn! haha..whoosh.
okay i'm fucked. My brain is.
Anyways, i can't wait to mr.elmomo gets back here, i wanna freakin give him a tight ass hug and just see how much weight he's jiggled off. haha. Can't wait to eat nasi kandar and just talk like old times, just rest and relax. ahhh miss you elmomoku!
Anyways..i guess blogging has its ending. This is the end for now.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

i'm just tired.

Hello torture chamber,
the torture chamber im in right now is an office in disguise. It has this stoic ambience that deeply affects you and it really is a silent killer. bang bang. Not just that, most of the time i'm online and reading CNN news or checking out animal pictures in national But hey, i'm still living my life at the workplace. I try to find something to do. Sooner or later when it approaches evening time i will be covered in paperwork or tvc edits which I find quite fun actually. Today it's a friday, what do i feel like doing? Was planning to watch FANTASTIC FOUR. But some of my friends want to take me clubbing, they said that i've turned into an old lady, always staying at home and only chilling,not living up to a teenagers standard of FUN and GETTING WILD. THey were like "what happened to you bel?" And my response is simple and clear cut..i said "I'm just tired." OH ya fuck, i have a 2 hour full-body massage appointment at 7pm. I desperately need to cleanse my body with hot oil and a great steam dip. haha. I wanna go all dimsum. Just need to moisturize myself, my life. The thing is, i'm getting really fair now, and i'm not liking it. I dont mind flying down to BALI just to get a quick tan. I dont mind. As long as i dont go back to the pale tone. I'm good. It just makes me look sad and sick.
Goodbye, i'm so fucking bored now actually, its LUNCH HOUR. But i've already munched on lunch and i'm waiting for JOhn.
anyways...see you peeps.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

ms. jolie

Early mornings spent facing a computer are really not that fascinating.

Everyday i just sit, look around, go to the pantry for my awakening drags, eat me breakfast, and come back to warm up a seat that is still infact warm.

I don't know maybe i'm not cut out for the workplace, maybe i'm not cut out to be locked up in a working environment. Everything is still and the people are always routinely busy, everyone just remains stationary. Perhaps im a newbie here so it gives me the right to complain, but honestly speaking, i do not like the 9-6 hour.

I dont know it depends, when they give me things to do then i feel content. If they don't give me things to do, i sit around like some dope waiting for assignments. It really is that boring that it has to resort to me asking for work to do. Normally, i just escape from work. But this time, i'm being graded for performance. There's a freakin evaluation form of which the superiors will fill out, in there it states my working performance and ability to communicate with clients and the other employees in euro.

There's like this contract and if i fuck it up, i guess my grades are fucked then i guess it will leave a dirty stain in my academic record. And i do not want that do i? Of course not! Fuck i need to buy Incubus' latest album but i keep forgetting and i keep going home tired after work and i dont know just dont feel like going shopping.

Anyways two days back we abducted a kitten from mamak MOSIN. At first i strongly disapproved because i personally hate cats and how they are so unpredictable. Just scares the shit out of me. So normally when we leave cats outside or let it go it does not bother to come back. This cat's different, it freakin came back to us and slept in a shoe box right infront of the porch. It's really cute, its personality is amazing. I've never met a cat like that ever. I named it Jolie because it reminds me of angelina jolie, it has that look, that mysterious psycho beauty look. It's better looking than angelina though. The way it fishes for attention is odd, it freakin pole dances around your calves and if you dont look at it, it'll just sit down and look up at you innocently. HOw fuckin cute is that? And once you feed it, it stops meowing, and when no ones around it sleeps like a pig.
I don't know,i'm starting to get used to these exotic creatures. Im a pro with dogs,but cats? hmm..i have yet to learn.

I'm actually looking forward to buying a collar with a tiny bell for it. You know what i feel like going home. I think i will after the internship, it ends on the 20th of July. So i'll try to make it for a few days or so. Just wanna be home with mum and sisters.

Anyways, i'm over with bloggin

Sunday, June 10, 2007

it would be a good afternoon

A great afternoon for some hot tea and crumbles.

What i have to do later after work:
1. Pay my bills, bills, bills
2. Purchase Incubus' latest album entitled "Light Grenades"
3. Cheer up me baby
4. Brush up in pool
5. Complete "Dress your family in Corduroy and Denim"

That's all that's in line for today. That's all i want to be up to.

I feel so bad that i can't make it home to jtown. I really wanted to spend time with my mother when she dropped by in KL. Just that, i had to split my time between john and her. She had a companion, so i thought it was ok to just leave em alone and not interrupt. Then when she arrived indo, she called me to tell me that my two sisters had gone off to do their own things.

I really want to fly down and just be alone with my mother, re-do our old days. Spending time with her, having high tea at the hyatt, drink hot tea and eat our biscuits british style. I just want to do all that. Can i?
I'm trying to sort out my responsibilities here first. But they seem to never end. Shit.

I just want to:
-go home and eat home cooked food
-be there for my mum
-read a book in peace
-have tea in an unfamiliar place
-smile all day

That's all i can give you.

Feeling the love? At this moment,i'm not.

I'll see you then.

Monday, June 04, 2007

rough morning, rough day.

Morning,morning. I had a pretty rough moment with John lastnight. I went to meet my friends over at cyber for dinner. And since John smashed his own car a few weeks back, i know how he feels. Basically, we're stuck together so i don't get enough space till i get to the office and he doesn't get enough space until he drops me at the office and picks me up. It's a hassle, it's stressful to live this way, but i'm hoping it will not be permanent. My life with John is splendid, it can be i know it. It's just that we are both not used to this messy lifestyle therefore our moods twist up and we take it out on each other. I just really wanted to spend more time with my friends, to just cope up with them. I just feel restricted, like i have a time limit, John doesn't get times he could be a little selfish and oblivious. I'm surprised i didn't end things,normally i would. But i have to let it go with the flow...i can't just jump off leaving the problem behind. I guess i've never given anybody the chance to explain themselves. I too am selfish. More selfish than my partner actually.
Be right back. Need an intensive drag session.
Intensive drag session taken. Now i have the smoke in me to write. The inspiration we humans get from nicotine. haha. Okay this months period is affecting me,making me yearn for morning, lunch, and dinner chocolate. Shito. I've been having these chocolate cravings since sunday god dammit. I went swimming two days back, man it was cool, the feeling of going through the midnight waves. It was the chill that made it fun, the type of breeze that makes you feel like you're really in the world and that it's not some studio background or some shit. Its that thrill of just jumping into water at an odd hour, when the pool lights are off and everything is just quiet and still until you interrupt it. It's beautiful really. I have to keep swimming. Then again, my red month has come, can't at the moment.
Murti's birthdays tomoro and I feel that i'm so fuckin irresponsible. I haven't gotten her a gift yet..somehow i have a feeling she will read this entry. It's one of those feelings. I haven't gotten her anything yet, but i know it will be some sort of modern vintage. Something that suits her skin, perhaps some flashes of gold and mundane green, hints of colors that look ugly when they are by themselves but when combined with other dull colors,they look magnificent. She needs those types, she fits those types and its a compliment. Cuz i really do like those kind of colors that are dull and boring alone but with the powers combined..dullness=the new in thing man.
I'm really not a fashion expert, i basically just put on whatever i have on. Seriously when it comes to clubbing, i seriously barely ever dress up. If i dress up, that means im really in the mood to just be sexy and have fun. But most of the just with my tanks and jeans and sandals. Kalo ngk bisa masuk, ya udah slip on the same heels i've been using for the last couple of months. But i do need to shop for heels, i do. Just haven't found the right type yet. I dont understand how don don can get so many man, she's the fashion expert. But her clothes fit her yknow, like no one else could fit Donna's clothing line. I follow that hobo lifestyle look except i'm just cleaner and more accessorized. I dont know i have my days when i feel like shining, but most of the time i'm drained down from internship..i think of comfort more than anything else. Comfort spells out a navy green sweater with a huge ass hood, washed out jeans, brown leather belt, and a simple BLACK u2 singlet inside..and brown flats...flats..flats..and of course my two favorite beaded bracelets,never forget them. Thats basically me everyday, everywhere, unless an occassion pops up. Sounds very unattractive. haha i am very unattractive. I just dont have the days of dressing up anymore. I dont like mixin and matching no more, i just wear what there is to wear in my boring closet. At times i see all these bright happy colors i'd love to dig myself into..but unfortunately i've abandoned them for an uglier set of clothes. Sometimes i just wanna wear all my necklaces that i've worn in the pass, but today..i no longer have the mood to wear anything on my neck. My shoes...god..i wish i could wear all of em at one go..but i just wear the same sandals, the same flats. What has happened to me? Even my own boyfriend thinks i'm too casual for certain outings. Like it was his big bachelor event so he figured i'd dress up like some princess, instead i came looking like an expensive maid. Yeah i was wearing a white singlet, jeans, and pumps. He thought i was underdressed. Now im actually beginning to feel that i have to sacrifice comfort to please him. I'm always with the attitude of not giving a shit of how i look infront of others..i mean i didn't think i looked thatbad..i was just not fit enough to match his decent suit. I dont know why i'm just fuckin lazy to go parading in my stilettos and fuckin fancy tops that are long, drawn, and shiny. I mean cmon man...all the girls out there that are willing to really dress like that, i salute them all the way. Ok i'll try to wear something more than casual..something that shows my tits...something that just looks shiny with all the little bits of sequins tossed across the shoulder line. I'll dress like a friggin celeb. haha..NOT. I guess i would consider showing up more "in" place.
Just had lunch with mr.john...i didn't really enjoy it because today we were both boring and very NOT loving. I dont know i needed a hug, he needed attention but i didn't give him any. C'mon give me a break man, i ain't feeling so well. Sometimes guys are just such attention seekers, sometimes they just get on your nerves. Later on, i feel like just sinking into bed and my cool dreams rather than look at his sulky sad spoilt face. It just puts me into a world of rage.
I'm not really having a nice day, feeling tired.

korean bbq

Hey dude,
I'm getting pretty used to this cubicle thing. Although i prefer LB much more, i have no choice but to undergo the office hours. It's cool. Now i know what it feels like to live the reality college/uni days prepare you for. Its pathetic actually. They teach us nothing but nonsense, we study so hard adn then come out to work, then whatever is taught by the book does not apply to what we call work.
It's funny how my supervisors wanna challenge me to a pool match. Lets see who wins, they look like their fuckin pros so i'll just back out anytime man. haha.
Dude...i miss my friends..ever since this relationship started..i felt that my friendship with friends slowly parted. So sooner or later, i have to learn how to balance my time, learn how to split myself properly.
Dude,i ate the best korean bbq ever for the first time in my life, it was magnificent..the pork. And im really not the type of person that craves to eat pork, onlywhen its cooked in a dish and i have no option,i'll dig onit. But this time...i wanted more and more...i feel like i have sinned. Porks just not my thing. But now i can see why its so fuckin delicious. Koreans have their way with meat.
So today was a pretty weird seems like the clock doesn't tickone bit..but the time is actually passing.
I miss my mother.....i dont get could she travel everywhere and not feel lethargic. Now she's in germany and i have no idea where she will go to next..but i wish i was with her, travelling and eating and eating and drinking my time away.
Man i guess i gotta go home soon..johns pickin me up and this is all thats on my mind. Today i am pretty empty-minded.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

the L WORD.

Im in the cubicle again. I was absent twice this week due to severe migraines and a weak stomach. I have no idea what its called when you combine those two problems. I don't know how it started..i just remember stressing myself out about everything. Just recently, i've picked up a new series for my eyes to scroll on. It's the 'L' first it was all about lesbians fucking. But now its getting pretty intense, its basically about how lesbians live in this world. The scene takes place in LA and a few friends, bisexuals and gays, who have slept and experimented with each other. Its just amazing how they have great sex with the same sex.
Not that i'm interested to venture into this whole lesbian thing. I just think that they are sweet and take things more seriously. In a way, i respect them.
I know for a fact that i'm completely straight, i'm just into guys. They satisfy me. I dont know how to seek affection and pleasure from the same sex. It wouldn't make me feel secure and guarded.
Different people have different mindsets, most lesbos i see running around here are obvious, i mean one will always be the butch and the other will tag along like a bitch. So yeah that sums it up. But there are pairs that are both beautiful and can't tell their fuckin each other. You think they are in a relationship with hot men or something,but no they've actually had enough of them.
Gawd..i miss my mother, i miss her cookin' and her lovin. I feel like going home but there's something stopping me..well besides the internship, i sense there's something greater that's telling me not to go. I just dont wanna go anymore, i feel like being at home, but i dont feel like going to Jakarta. I just want my home. Thats all. I miss my sisters too...damn. Didn't get the chance to hang out with them the last trip they made here..oh well.
Seriously once this whole internship is will be a big relief for me. I just want to rest at home and watch movies. I just want to gather my thoughts before i end my final semester. I just want to relax.
That's just it for now. Its gotta be.
see u.

Monday, May 28, 2007

the beach. thats where my mind is.

Right now, i'm seated looking at you in a cubicle. I'm thinking about bali, the breeze and the jimbaran seafood. I'm thinking of eating again. I'm just thinking about dipping myself into the water while the hot sun sets down to bake my skin. I just like to imagine things that put me at ease. Recently, i've been so stressed out, i dont know how it feels, but John tends to stress me out at times. Not just him, it's just everyone, how i'm pressured from one whole day of stress and i come home to even more stress when really i wanna go home to a splash of wild kisses and teddy bear hugs. He gets pissed at me when i get pissed at him, then in the end we both end up pissed. I can see at this point of the relationship, we've both grown because believe me it was a lot more dramatic with the constant arguments and fights in the beginning. I dont know if i'll be able to grow up ever, but i find myself a more understanding person. Usually, when i've gone through alot of stress and pressure and whoever just keeps adding the weight on me, i'd just breakdown and explode. I tend to blurt out things i dont mean, in result i regret saying the things i never meant to say. I really do respect people that can tolerate people who get on their nerves, i mean how the fuck do they do that? It's like you have your own stress to handle and solve, but imagine other people adding their stress on you, i mean how does it feel, it actually gives me a backache. I swear,stress really does affect you physically. It makes you sick of everyone, disgusted, then you wake up the next morning not feeling well and all nauseous and shit. That's what happens to me, stress leads to so many things, it leads to forgetting your meals, it leads to not being able to sleep, it leads to bad moods and break ups and everything just turns to sour cream. Not that i broke up with him, i realized that breaking up with him over one bloody BIGFAT fight was actually childish and wrong. I guess we just dont understand each other, so i wanna understand him more. In a way i'm trying to get serious with him, sooner or later it might happen. I know i haven't known him for long, but the experience and memories shared were meaningful and well lets just say that one week with him really makes a difference in my life. It changes my perception of things. It's pretty amazing...but oh well he's amazing and the most important thing is that he gives a shit about me and wouldn't bother me to death. That's all i need from him.
I would kill to laze on the beach and just freakin play with the sand and tan while sipping off a baby coconut. Now that sounds like a nice moment. Cuz the moment i'm having right now? Uhuh..nowhere near happiness.
Damn i want don don and mur muri to come...damn damn i dont know kapan...i gotta get my schedule listed in my thick head.
cu running out.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

starfruit tree

Hey booster,
anyways im so bored at the office, i really dont know what to do. I had breakfast alone and now i'm going to have lunch alone. There was suppose to be this beer party thing going on in the pantry, i hope its good. Definitely carlsberg..but im wishin it was a tiger.
I just realized that people online barely say hi. I'm the one who initiates the conversation,i'm the one who says hello. Is that sad? haha. Oh well maybe cuz its lifeless here rightnow, so i have nothing to do.
I'm missing murti and ishtine so bad rightnow. Wish they were here man, wish they could just make me laugh while i'm doing work. haha
It would be nice to have starfruit juice right now, that is actually my favorite fruit juice. Maybe its cuz when i grew up, my dad would really take care of our baby starfruit tree in the garden. I used to be able to look down on it, not it looks down on me. It's really beautiful, enormous too. Know what was funny, i was having an odd conversation with my dad about how me and my sisters have growned tremendously..then i thought my dad said "yeah you have alotta mangoes too" and i was like "wtf?" and my sister was like "omg, no you dodo..he meant there are alotta mangoes in the garden rightnow" andi waslike "oh shit...cuz if he meant what he'll be fuckin gross to me".
haha..anyways that was funny.
I handled my grandmas funeral pretty well, i didn't shed a tear..i dont carewhat people think, that im heartless or cold-hearted its not that. It's just that i tend to bleed tears internally more than show it. Unless there'sno space inside to cry, i guess it will overflow n thats when people see me cry. She looked peaceful, so peaceful...she didn't look like some stiff dead body in a coffin, she looked lively...intact...and it was just beautiful when i stared at her waiting for a response (knowing i'll get none). God...i miss her and i miss him, i miss them both. I hope they're enjoying their time together to make up for all the years of heartache and bitchin'. Mary and Joseph, may you rest in peace.
I gotta go now. lunch time with johnny boy.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

tied in those knots, crazy ones.

Hey you, yeah you..
wow its been a while since our last date. I've been busy with this internship thing, i'm in euro rscg, its great and i hope i will be learning loads. The first few days are a little still so i've been stickin my mind to different bestseller novels. Which kinda makes me confused. Anyways, i'm loving my life so far..well besides the "waking up early" mornings and "sleeping early" nights. I can handle the pressure of cutting a portion of my life. Well nothing much has been done these days..i've been spending alotta time with John and i'm lovin his company. He's been so sweet to me and i'm pretty committed actually. It takes time for me to really sink in into these relationships. I need to think, think, and think. I really am an "i dont know" person. I'm very decisive when it comes to planning events and where i wanna chill with friends, but when it turns to relationships, it leaves me indecisive about certain things that could mess one up. We have been arguing loads and loads and truck loads. But when i come to think about it, those arguments do have a solution, so why not we try to solve it? I nearly fought with him yesterday, given that both of us do have our similarities and that is: always having to be right. always wanting to win.
But oh well i've won a few. Now lets get to the point of what is there to win? When i give it a bloody long dreadful thought...there's absolutely nothing to win. Your pride is nothing. I know its easy to say,cuz i'm a very prideful person..i just like to be i get really defensive in arguments. But anyways, these long hours need alotta gettin' used to...i'm not immune to it just yet. I will be though, sooner or later...with the morning meetings, the scheduling, the morning milo and marlboro drag, the constant pantry drags and tea drinkin'. It's cool you see, that advertising does have its flexibilities, that is the workflow in every org...its all different, i got a pretty flexible one. Just as long as the works done on time..then the case is settled,no need for discipline. K maybe punctuality does make a difference to them. I'm getting graded baby. So therefore, i come early and i leave at 6pm sharp or perhaps 630 when they give me last minute work to do.
I can't remember the last time i played pool? Wow that was dust years ago..i swear..its been a while between me and the cue stick..lets go crack some balls. haha k that came off more than nasty. I miss pool more than i miss my sisters. I'm gonna play this weekend to see whether my level of skill has plunged down tremendously or not. I think it did. I'm not consistent in terms of i play today and i do great,but then after not having played for a week or so, my skills droooooooop deeeeaaaad.
I feel that i'm getting really old. LIke really really old. WHy is that? Is it cuz i see young kids doing what young kids like me use to do? Or is it cuz i'm introduced to a very new environment, the environment that actually involves alotta work. THe type of environment where people actually dont wait to do their assignments, they just live and survive doing these tasks for a living. Can you imagine doing assignments from 9-6? Can you? That could seriously put a hole in my brain. They just keep going on and on with a few lunch and ciggarette breaks here and there. Speaking of ciggarette breaks, i desperately have to go for one.
It turns out that i went for lunch now. I had a berry banana smoothie and a turkey croissant. Doesn't that sound yum? It was fantastic, just wanted to share that with you.
Now i'm proceeding to what you call boredom at its best. haha. I watched the premiere of Pirates of the Carribean. Shit. It was truly disturbing (slow, dramatic, boring) basically.
I dont know didn't like it.
I need to watch a good movie with john..we're always fated to watch suck ass movies...i liked hills have eyes2 the best tho..among the other movies we've watched. sad isn't it? berry berry sado.
Man i miss home, i wanna touchdown in jtown and just feel the indo air..just chill in the cafes and just be at home. I just wanna go home but now that i'm stuck here, its not such a wise decision. And i haven't been spendin much time with my i guess i'll stay and play the safe game. haha.
Tomorrows me babys big called eligible bachelor, no longer eligible cuz he's taken by moi. haha...its gonna be a gay night filled with crazy fluids and non-stop laughter..i will just laugh it all out...i'm just going to cheer for the other hotties....the other 49 hotties. haha..kiddin. But i just wanna see how he's going to behave. OH behave. haha...
anyways cabut dulu ya...i gotsta get back out of the compo.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

the peace is all tha tmattesr

Todays a great day for me, i'm sitting down at starbux and im observing people. I dont remember when was the lastime i had this much time to do this shit. I liek being alone these days, it just gives me so much space to do whatever it is i wanna do. im going to eat seafood soon and hell yeah i can't wait to smash the crab and feast on its meat. hehe. Anyways i like seafood, its like an improper way of dining and its all outdoors and shit and you got that beer going. Nice huh? I'm just at a happy state now, i feel like i have all the freedom and i like it that way..i dont know i just do.
Im in bangsar village 2, i love it here when its raining, the weather really makes the place cozy. I would love my girlfriends to join me, but im enjoying this part alone to myself. Only to myself. I dont know why i came here, the car just led me here. I turned down invites to come here and get some peace.
anyways times up, gotta go eat my seafood dinner and perhaps a beer will do. Lovely. it's been a long time between me and a carls.

Monday, March 26, 2007

a single slice

Hey bloggy bloggggg,
i've been so fuckin busy, its tough to explain. Will need to elaborate all that shit in about three pages or so. I'm currently in my mid terms so everythings half done, at least i feel that we're halfway through. That's cool. I have no time for parties and no time to live it up in all the fun. I used to be able to neglect studies, but now, it's so easy for me to neglect going out to nightclubs. I feel we should only go when we should really go. There's this video production thing and its really stingin me in my arse about how to work on it. its a group work but final cut pro is not my thing. Computers in general are not my thing. They hate me and well i wish i could love them more than i do right now. I've been cutting down on everything, like seriously, the drinking dont matter no more, the drunkness is out of me, i'm no longer drunk or even half drunk. I haven't been drunk for around half a year? Tipsy..yeah the lastime was in bali..but now when i drink, i dont have to force myself to the limits. My body just naturally rejects the alcohol or just tells me enuf is enuf. So i bodys not used to all such contents...which is bloody good for me. Fuckk..i miss ishtine and murtito..they are like so precious to me. I feel like muddy crap here just cuz they ain't around to talk to me or make me laugh. Its better havin them than a boyfriend. They make me feel alotttt better. Well there's this really cute guy and i know im not supposed to be into anyone right now, but this dude, he's cool..i find it hot that he's shy and quiet. There's like some seriousness in him that i find sexy. Makes me wanna get to know him more. Let me describe him, he's tall, shaved head, nice built, not like fucking good looking, but he's just so attractive. Oh well..i guess i'll lay off all that guy thing for a matter how nice or great they are. Shit. I find myself so lost these i thought it was thursday today but it was friggin MONDAY mate! Like how the fuck did that happen? Shit man...i just need my musketeers to come save me from stressed out me. Anyways, i was suppose to go to adelaide to jumpa Dan but i guess we're just not fated to meet. He was so sweet though, to send me money to buy tix. I wouldve paid for myself just that my schedules so fuckin tight but he still insisted. One day i'll visit him, i promise. Haven't seen him in about 2 years plus plus. Time for me to. I miss him in a way that friends miss each other. Who knows we might reunite again? I dont know still thinking about long dis relationships..dont work for me. I dont wanna add probs to both well realistically, i'm going to just stop all the thinking and just be on my own. I dont need anyone right now to be selfish with me, or argue with me, or seek attention from me, basically, all that relationship crap is so not appropriate right now. I'll stay single for as long as i can and i hope..during this single phase..i will enjoy whatever there is for me to enjoy. I hope i'll enjoy my job, i hope i'll enjoy my friends.
anyways gotta bounce now. time for some editing.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

cheeryy belly

Hey blogger,

soz..been sick for the past week, horrible fever. It was really a high fever man...the sucky thing about this sick journey i've gone through is that the first hospital i went to was suppose to be one of the best, i guess i was wrong. I asked the doc..what can i eat and what can i not eat? He said.."my dear, you can eat everything?" and i asked "even fried chicken?"..he said "go treat urself to it, no problem and you dont need a blood test either". What do i know..when i woke up the next day, my temperature boiled to like 39 degrees and that was bad..i couldn't really think properly, icouldn't look at an object properly. I couldn't focus. So yeah i was suffering. So i went to gleneagles and singh helped me out...gave me a needle poke and good now. My blood test was pretty close to the results of dengue fever..but thank god man...i would hate to be admitted again. Anyways i feel great now, i have recovered from all that heat and shit..haha and yeah i can go to college again like a real student. ohlala.
hmm...i miss mur and krispo. gosh..if only we weren't apart..that would be so cool. Then i would know what to do everyday, then i would know who i have everyday.
anyways times up for me...i gotta go do some unfinished article review. wish me luck. its about ethiopia and starbux. hehe..mwah,.
-cherry bellleee..hehe

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

what we have left behind.

Life is life, what else can it be? I'm living it..elya just left off like that, that elmo bitch. haha..i miss him to bits but i realized that if i broke down buckets...then i guess he would cry like shit. So i held it in like a motherfucker. I held it alright...then brian started suffering, Rayn too. All of us just miss this little twit. Left us for hot chicks. haha
It's valentines day, but i dont exactly have date...i just have a dinner date..but after that..i dont know man..i want my friends back to hang out with. We'll chill out and lounge and just be all relaxed with our usual convos. I hope i'll enjoy dinner, dates aren't really my be honest..i dont like dates..i feel locked up..i feel its too just is. I haven't had a date for so long, i guess i was just too lazy to. But today, i'm giving this one a shot. If the date goes well, then i'll go well. If he's boring and he can't make me laugh..then i'm sorry..goodbye to him. just not in the mood to date..they are all the same..they dont really like me..htey just need a companion. I dont think anyones ever liked me for real before. I dont know...and i dont think i've actually really liked anyone before's the truth..i haven't. No matter how much i show them i like them, it's not all 100% true. I'm just making the effort to keep up with them..then i realize that its all plain stupid. If you ask me who do i really like? I have no answer to that. There is not one single guy out there that fits me, it's like in the end, the relationships just dont last and maybe it's all my fault.
I dont care anymore about relationships, i guess if they come, they come. If they don't, then well SINGLE will always live to be my bestest best friend. I'm not complaining, i like single. It's so plain that there's no restriction can have your can flirt with anyone you wanna flirt with, you can just do wahtever..without being judged or without being blamed for something so shallow.
Uni is getting really busy now...i'll be stressed out sooner or i'm writing to you first..i'm just spending time here before i really get into something. ..and i will.
Anyways, jase's dad just had a heart attack, damn that guy he's been through alot. I guess when people look at us, they'd think we're going out when really my friendship with him is so personal that it looks personal even when we're not attracted one bit. Its like dating my own brother. He's just the only person ever that could cheer me up in weird ways. Whenever i feel like crying and life is shit..he's the one i'll contact first. Whenever i feel restless and weak..he's the one i will consult. Love you jjboy.
anyways..its time busy now..mwah

Friday, February 02, 2007


What is up baby?
i've been doing lotsa things lately. ahem..well that video production thing is so off my chest now. Now there's chinese new year coming i'm gonna get packets of dough from mama's fam and daddy's fam. It better be a fatbunch man...i intend to do alota shopping. So my days have been boring as hell actually, besides school there's nothing much to do. Haven't touched beer for 3 weeks already, crazy shit. Haven't been drinking. I've been slightly sick for about a week plus, so i've been feeding on alotta panadol pills and cough medicine and it makes me really drowzy and cuts off my mood for everything. Stayed at home the couple of days just watching dvds, pondering about my future, yeah just realized that i'm no longer a teenager anymore and i gotta do alotta shit if i wanna work in KL. Gota earn my own dough. Seriously, i dont understand how people spend money like water, i mean don't they get the value of money at any point? I mean it doesnt mean if you're rich, you can spend like a bitch. Some people are so stupid. Can't they be not asking them to cut down on expenses, i'm just asking em to go slow on their expenses and not off budget. People just don't save these days. Not like i do, but i'm not a power spender...i just value money. DAS ALL. Yay at least murs gonna be back, i can't wait to see her..i miss her to shits. We can hang out and have hot chocolate and just yknow lay back and enjoy the life chillin in cafe's while we check out books. I feel like going to aksara and QB. I feel like chillaxing in the cozy places.
Anyways times up for me, i'll be watching BLOOD&CHOCOLATE soon, see how good the cliche movies can get these days. MWAH.

Friday, January 19, 2007

her territory

baby boo.
Well i haven't really had fun these past few days. I guess the highlight of my birthday was spent drinking away with friends and i had a great birthday cake. It came in a form of a buffet, chinese style yo. haha it was steamboat and it was awesome because people i didn't expect would do such a thing did it for me. So it was great, we ate for a whole two hours and i can still feel my tummy wanting for more. Great chicken wings, great seafood, great pot and just great food to wrap it up. My cousins were there. It was magnificent. :D I thought that when i touched down here i didn't have anybody to meet, considering all my friends are still on their hols, then i realized i had family here. haha...i am from here yeah. Another thing thats been bugging me eversince i talked to my mother is about my grandma. I heard she was sick and that she was just getting tired with life. She told my mother to be prepared because she's ready to leave but i seriously dont want her to leave yet. I think she's doing fine. She's still in her ruggard jeans and she's still smoking that bloody ciggarette like no ones business. I love her so much. I dont want anything to happen. It's been a year plus since my gramps has left us and trust me things have changed, i guess our familys slowly drifting away, we have plans here and there, that we tend to forget about him at times. I haven't visited my gramps yet, but i will very soon.
Shit, semesters starting on the upcoming black monday. Beautiful huh? I'll start being a bitch with all her usual complaints and i just won't have a life anymore, i'll cheat on you with a buncha assignments. Anyways i am so happy with my grades this sem, elya scared the shit outta me when he told me he got a C for media planning, shit shit...i was so damn scared to just see the results cuz he's smart and if he got a C, thats pretty good shit, what more would i get? prolly a D! But i didn't, thank planning is so hard, i swear lilian makes life tougher for peeps. I got a C+ but im freakin happy tho. Its better than a flat F. Then i got some a's and b's. But turned out pretty good for me. haha..yeah. So now it turns out that the internships straight after this sem, me have no time to go home. I wanna go home but Jakartas boring at times but i might have to go for LB. Yeah. i wanna just work hard this year. I know i always say this, but i hope i will. I've been saying it to myself all these years, it's time i did something about it. I'm halfway anyway and i'm done with uni by the end of the year. Yes! But thats when i start getting to know reality more, i'll be completely in it. Everything i do after uni will affect my life. I hope i get a decent job. I hope advertising and I will work well and be the best of friends cuz if not, then i guess i'll just be a complete failure. And i do not intend to be one. Life turns out different ways, i wish i could've been a marine biologist, but i guess i was following my future more than my passion. I guess i have to think about what my family wants first cuz i dont wanna be too self-centered. I gotta appreciate the things they've done. I do. My dads giving me a big time lecture about not appreciating him as a father. I mean what does he expect me to say? He is irresponsible at times, he forgets about his daughters while he starts spending on his girlfriends. He's not really that much of a father figure. But i love him you know, despite the things he's done in life, i still love him. Not like i can dig him out of my life. But i wouldn't. If my parents didn't separate, i wouldn't be this grateful. I would be spoiled and just boring. I wouldn't get to try new things, i wouldn't meet other people. Imagine, my dad doesn't want me to date anyone till i'm like 30. God. He's so strict! thank god i'm not living with him, prefer my mother. Damn this trip back to j town was awful man, everyday i had to argue wtih my mum, i just preferred to stay outta her territory i swear. Just all these arguments, all the blame naturally goes to me right? I mean i try to give in these days, i dont wanna be some rebellious bitch to her cuz i know she's just stressed out. She really is stressed out as hell, just that she's gotta stop pushing me, it's just way too much. I have so many things to attend to, i wanted to hang out with my friends and she got pissed cuz she was all alone at home. I mean c'mon yknow, let me chill with my friends and i'll come crawling back to you. Seriously, she was terrible with me. I wanted to get some fresh air, so i left early to KL. i just couldn't stand her. She should learn that one of the stages of being a mother involves deep understanding. If she understands me, then i'll understand her. The first thing i need to do is go shopping. I needa shop and get some new stuff for the new year. I am pretty superstitious and i dont care, but these things matter in life. I believe in feng shui because it really does do the work. I dont believe in fate though and i'm fuckin annoyed at some people that believe in it so strongly. Anyways dear blog, i've said enough today, i'm out of stuff to say.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

light my baby goodbye

Morning blogger, it feels great to wake up at this hour. There's something fucked up wtih my clock always states that i write my entries at around 3am or like 6am or some shit. Aneh sih. I've been in a bad mood these couple of days, i guess i need the space from people, i need to just sit back and relax, no disturbance whatsoever. Yesterday, i was in a fuckin bad mood, i guess cuz the night at mbc was really shitty and the bodyguards were being big ass bitches in PUBLIC so cindy couldn't go in cuz of sandals and abhi couldn't get in cuz of his shirt. It's stupid...
I've been getting alot from my mum...she keeps pinning me down, i just feel so pressured by everybody. Everyones been being a lil bitchy lately, including the guys. I feel like taking off, i can't stand Jkt, i gotta start packing for tomoro. I dont think i wanna come back so soon..but who knows home is home yknow. I better spend my day wisely today, like do something that helps me chill out in life n shit. The massage felt good yesterday but it didn't bring me that happy mood, i need to be happy.

I just wanna sit, relax, have some hot tea, read a book, and light my baby.

Friday, January 05, 2007

luigi is a dumbass

Blog...i dont know why, i guess when i'm feeling bored i decide to kill boredom through you. It's this blog feeling, you feel like blogging, you feel like expressing how you feel or what disturbs you or what happened. So you can look back and remember through the past entries. I haven't yet scrolled through the past entries, i will soon..i'll either look back and feel stupid or all sad. Bali was not a blast, i didn't enjoy it...every single day i woke up realizing that if i spent the entire week in jkt, i'd smile. In bali, i was in a pissy mood, i was pissed off at the weather, the beach, the rain, the people. This was the worst bali trip ever, i dont want to recall this trip ever again. I hated it. And i never hate bali trips, but this one...i truly hate it. I was bitchy and pissy all the way....i guess i needed my friends.
My days here are nearly over...i'll be leaving a way i can't wait to leave...i want to go back to KL and just get my life straightened up. I want to prepare for school, i need to write a resume..i needa do so many things. If possible, i wanna leave asap. I dont want to think about anything else. In a way, i dont feel like comin back home this june or july...i'm just gonna visit mur or kristine...that would be a better way to spend life won't it. Rather than come home....and then do the same shit everyday..god im getting sick and tired of it. Besides..mummy visits me like nearly every two weeks or some shit...its so close....I gota do some sports take up ice hockey or something, i love just looks so damn hard...or just have frequent basketball games with the dudes...they'll teach me n make me improve slowly. Mur took pole dancing, it sounds really difficult gotta like carry your entire body up the pole and plus, you gotta wear heels, that im not good in. I have no sense of balance.
Okay im going to bounce...dreamland awaits...and i am so looking forward to it.
Those unforgettable fairytale nightmares? Yeah you fool, i've seen mario and luigi in my dreams, they weren't fighting against the world, they were fighting against each other. You know how stupid luigi is? He can't jump for shit.
nitey nite. I wanna play nintendo. :(