Tuesday, January 31, 2006

why does shit happen? its so annoying.

Tell me the truth, why does shit happen? One minute you feel like ur completely happy, then when something happens in between that happy moment, something else can bring u down. I hate moments, cuz they don't last forever. If only they could. If they lasted forever, it would be great for now. Not like i want everything perfect in life, i just want to be happy. Just that these past few weeks i haven't been, i've been stressing myself out, even after a massage, i still stressed my ownself out. It's like nothing works. beer doesn't even work and it's starting to disgust me. And i just drank some. To hell with beer...i hate it and love it. We have a love-hate relationship. And in the end i drink some of it while i hate the shit out of it. Hmm...im weird..i know. People have informed me about that. I don't care. At least im not trying to be fake. Ahh fuck i'm so frustrated...i smoked two packs of cigs. I'm so annoyed..i feel so ugggh. yeah. My dreams and desires? hmm..right now i would like an x5, nope not tell my daddy to buy it for me, buy it with my own money, the money i earn. Its a different feeling and i can't wait for it. I think tis the perfect car for me to drive around, it's big, spacious, and it's elegant. My type. Another choice would be the 6 series. I've always had a thing for evo's though, they're cheap but they're hot!! If you ask me about my love life? It feels like its been ages since i've had a boyfriend, it's like i find myself so selfish and wrong in relationships, i needa improve myself. Understand the guys more instead of always trying to be right. I have to do that. If only i could take a day off and get the hell away from here, but as much as i want to i can't...i gotta commit to these things. I gotta make it before i get away from it. hmmm......now i dont think i want to venture into any relationships, i'm not in the mood, i know i'll fuck it up, i always do. So im not prepared to fuck up again, i wanna improve myself. I just dont see myself in a relationship for a bit...i need some space to think things through and to really sort out my life. I dont want any guys either, but who am i to say that right? I can't judge my future? wHO KNOWS all these plans might fail on me? Who knows i'll meet someone sweet, someone that shows he cares for me and i'll be stupid enuf to fall for it? I duno. But i dont wanna think of that now. I was just passing thru kristines blog and it says on her caption "i love being a kid". Dats right! I love being a kid too, i wanna be one right now...so that i can go around celebrating like there's no tomoro, so i can go around parading like i dont give a fuck, so i dont have to work, so i dont have to study, so i dont have problems and so that i can just be silly and not really care and give a damn about what ppl think...so i wont be judged, so they would just think of me as a kid that wants to have fun. Basically, so i can do everything and be satisfied instantly. It's cool. i'm jealous of kids, i wanna be them..i wanna take their place. I wanna cook, i wanna do so many things! Shit....it does happen. haha. My mind has so many things to say today huh...its mainly complaints about my life all over again, just like what i've written in hte other past entries when i met the same mood. its me..the bitchy me..all over again. You bloggers must be bored of this blogger huh...well i write to let it all out..i write to pass my time, i write to read back on how i felt and how stupid i was or how smart i was? haha no im not smart..can never be. Just wasn't born with the talent. haha. I just write cuz i feel like it, i mean its nice to look back on what you've written adn think to urself "wow shit like that did happen or wow..some great shit happend in ur life or wow...ur just pathetic" i just think about all that. i question alot, i'm inquisitive, im nosey..and i like myself this way instead of just lazing around and watching tv, at least i have found some entertainment of which involves my thoughts, needs, priorities, shittiness, stuff like that. Man i remember one time this kid told me "ur pathetic" shit man..like imagine how i felt..i felt like shit. haha. Then i decided to do more things and take interest in new hobbies. I duno that kid actually kinda saved me. I thank him..haha. I dont wanna go back to those days of a geek. I dont wanna be called a dork, i dont want ppl to diss me so badly and tell me i look like crap. That happend in 6th grade, clear memory lasts in me till now. Yeah those days, its actually funny when i think of it. Really is. Can't imagine im 19 now, what am i gonna do before i turn 20? I have to do so many things, achieve so many things, set new priorities and get em straightened! So i can breathe, so i can live, and so i wont feel so old...so i would feel as if i've done so many things at such a young age..thats the life i want. Ahh marriage? that word is so strong it scares me. I'm not afraid to get married, i'm just afraid what will happen during the marriage, will i be shitty? Most likely, it will be me committing the wrongs. Its always been me, just that i've always won and victory is not so great when you don't deserve it. I feel like ive written in like a million pages..i should put an end to this now. Good bye you folks out there that has bothered enough to read all this..i thank ala yall, sorry that my entries really dont kill ur boredom, its not meant for that. Mwah..i miss you my murti and my kristine and my gay jason.
i love

Sunday, January 29, 2006

wishes, wishes 06, how i wish.

* i wish life wasn't a game and that it would just be direct with us.

*i wish there weren't so many assholes in this world.

*i wish there was somebody out there that could understand me more than i understand me.

*I wish i could drink coffee the way i drink tea

*I wish i could drink everything else the way i drink my beer.

*I wish love would be like and like would be love.

*I wish i could visit all my friends in just one day.

*I wish i could trust guys more, understand em more.

*i wish that i don't get easily agitated

*i wish that the sky was the ground and the ground was the sky

*i wish my relationships would last longer

*i wish i would stay really focused on me job and school work.

*i wish what i wish

*i wish i didn't have to think

das all folks. love off.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

how it went.

Normal girl lives her normal life i guess. My birthday was alright, went to poppys garden, celebrated with Jude since his bday was on the 16th, so yeah it rocked pretty much. And yeah i drank alotta beer and das about it. Just beer beer beer all the way, doesn't it get borin? No i've been drinkin so much beer that sooner or later it will become my skyjuice. Soon it will be a beverage i wake up to every morning. That's gross but nah i can control that bit. Im no alcoholic. Im goin back to JKT again, i'm drained today, i feel gross and tired. The worst feeling ever. I joined a dance competition lastnight and it was so funny. Nope i didn't win, haha this fat chick won, i guess it was her birthday so she deserved it and they judge by the crowds applause. It ws fun. I hate SKOL beer, hate it! 3rd best in the world my ass, i wouldn't put it third best. issh. Life? Has been pretty hectic for me, i have to work and i missed out when i went home for nearly a month, and school's starting which is gonna be fuckin tiring for me. I'm up for it, up for the challenge to balance both my work and school work. I want to be good at both, nothing's gonna distract me. haha. So this time when i go back to jkt, i'm gonna work my ass off. i'm gonna work! I just hate how home sweet home really means home sweet home, i mean i can't treat it like a freakin office. And so i end up eating, sleeping, watching tv, all the characteristics of a couch potatoe, its all in me. I'm a fat LAZY potatoe. I have to stop all this. I've been good so far, i cut down on cigs! haha im goin gfor like 10 a day first. I hate how ppl can just quit like that, makes me feel like the ultimate loser. Like i'm so weak and i don't have any willpower planted in me. I need to stop. The word stop is not tough enough, i need something tougher than that for motivation. Im gonna eat a fruit salad, delifrance is like 10 meters away, time for me to get healthy and stop smoking. haha. Aw shit.
anyways bloggy, i gotta go now. will update soon.

Monday, January 09, 2006

beer drinka

Haha its been a long time since i've taken valium until donna distributed it to people the other day. so this is what i wrote when i came home a lil high on v and beer. it's so stupid but i dont mind postin it.
A few days ago i wrote:
"Great valium gobbled down with golden sizzling beer. I'm feeling the val, it's slowing me down, slowing me down good. I'm feeling it more as i lie down on my cozy bed. I'm cozy as fuck, its beautiful, and for the very first time in jakarta this hol, i feel relaxed and happy. But i keep all the happiness to myself as i am selfish to share it or show it off to the others. my body no longer aches it just wants to go home to bed and tuck itself under a warm cotton blanket. That's what it wants. My mind, on the other hand has a humongous urge to feast on a borobudur buffet, wanting all the sashimi there is on the platter, wanting it bad. Vision is blurry, mind is filled with vague thoughts to attend to. I am going off now, need to shut down my system, need to freshen it up for later. Goodnite and please i beg you, give me the dream i want, a hopeless aspiration that i'll try to make possible. I'll make it work. A good day, a goodnight."
For some reason it doesn't sound like me huh..but i'm stuck here in jkt..without a journal to write on, so i'm writing in my highschool homework book, it's some old school shit i had stashed underneath a buncha books. Haha i've been bored as fuck here not knowing what to do. Friends are all busy with other friends and me? i have no other friends to get busy with. I'm the perfect loner. haha ngk begitu parah tapi emang bener kok. I love jakarta to shits but without the crowd, there's no fun, even if ur in a fancy place. You have no fun friends to chillax and enjoy the place with you. Shit i really wanna go to a bookstore..i needa get books but its either i end up shopping or eating then i'll be too lazy by then. i wanna read memoirs of a geisha and i wanna read it before i watch it. But i guess that's impossible huh. I just wanna drive alone today..wanna do everything alone, so people won't like drift me off someplace else and ruin my so-called plans. i wanna do so many things, i wanna read, i wanna cook, i wanna shop, i wanna write, i wanna watch, i wanna eat, i wanna chill. I wanna drink. haha shit i have to stop drinking beer man..i always drink beer..the golden tequilla shots are over...once i sniff the shot glass of tequilla..i immediately get turned off..i get disgusted and i just can't even sip it. it tastes awful. I dont know why i used to love shootin it. So now i'm a beer person obviously, i've been drinking beer nearly everyday, its pathetic. I feel like such a fat asshole. Yknow those disgusting old men that get drunk in the afternoons? Ahh...its gross really. Wow i'm pretty talkative today...i have a talkative mind right now. it has so much to say. But i better give it some rest. anyways....i'ma bounce now. gonna watch tv. Fuck im an official couch potatoe. Seriously when i come home, there's always food served on the table, so here i am just snacking a lil..then eating a whole meal. Ahh...dont give a shit..if im fated to get fat..then im fated to get fat. Can't fight it or can i? haha shit i'll stop. bye..im hungry..gonna steal the food away from my skinny sisters. ahh no wonder they're skinny....i always seem to grab most of the food. cuuuuuu
mwah mwah

Sunday, January 08, 2006

sooon i will be old.,

Okay well my cousins wedding was funny. My dad and all my uncles got drunk, cousins too. It was a nice gathering, haven't had that family type of feeling in a while. I was freezing like a bitch due to the damn ac but yet after a few toasts of red wine here and there...the warmth came kickin in. I'm actually happy today...i dont know why...everything was perfect...it was a good day..a sunny day. I went to church today and i helped out as the receptionist...collecting all the red packets filled with jewelry and all the dough from the guests. I was a guest to..i donated some money for my cousin. haha..damn the bride was just beautiful...she spilled wine on her white gown but still..she rocked in it. She rocked today! I met all the cousins i missed..i met all my nieces and they're just gettin prettier...they're gona be hot when they grow up. its guaranteed. I was at church today..normally i wouldn't wanna go but today i enjoyed it...i love how there's a long flight of stairs as u go up...and i love how the breeze just helps you push urself up the stairs..it happened to me...haha. I know it sounds a lil weird or lame..but i am lame and i'm telling the truth, the wind actually led me to that direction. It's nice meeting family and everything.....it really is..ive almost forgotten how it feels to have a complete family. i was busy entertaining my relatives and having fun when suddenly out of the blue this guy approached me and just gave me a rose..so movie like huh? But it was so sweet tho..no ones ever done that to me. haha. And i dont even know who he is..prolly not related to me anyway. Little things such as this..can just lighten up my day. Ahh i miss my friends...i miss murti and kristine and jason..where the hell are they..why aren't they here with me now..why!!! ahhh i better stop nagging or else i'll turn old. I am turning 19 tho...wonder what life has prepared for me. I hope for a cool ride this year....cuz soon i'll be 20. I want to enjoy my last year of being a teenager. I dont want to always get pissed and bitchy at ppl..i wanna be nice and friendly :D
okay times up...i gotta go to sleep..a long day for me tomoro.