Monday, June 25, 2007

about a boy. the one i want.

About two days ago, i realized to myself that we all deserve a second chance. Even if we don't deserve it, at least we know what it feels like to give or get a second acceptance after the guilt. For the first time in my life, i let go of him but took him back because when i looked at his face, i knew he needed to be forgiven, like he had nothing else to say. When people are speechless, i believe that that's where the most guilt is. I don't want to keep reminding myself of what happened, it's the past and i have already forgiven him so there's nothing much i can look forward to except major improvement between us and room for pure understanding and amazing sex. I believe that will be the key to a healthy relationship.
I just realized my type of guy as well. He has to be completely responsible, doesn't laze around in bed too often unless he's really sick once in a while. He has to be more successful than me, he has to be career-driven, ambitious, powerful, a knock out, just great at arguments with me to the extend of me agreeing. He has to understand me yet tell me off in a smooth way so i will fall even more for it instead of blow my buttons. I need him to be creative and cute and smart and he has to be intellectual...a charismatic chap. He has to get along well with my friends, he has to love animals the same way i do, he has to have experiences that will amaze me. He has to play sports with me, he has to play pool with me and beat me. I need someone like this, someone so tough, someone that could turn me on this way. He has to drink tiger beer with me whether he likes it or not, because when i need beer, i need it to chillax..and i want him to do it with me even if he has some sort of diarrhea, or even if he's sick and feels like puking. He has to juggle the time of playing the good and bad boy role. He has to be versatile, flexible to situations, knowing that i'm gonna stir up the fight and verbally abuse him with words. He has to know im mean but love me for the way i am. I know its selfish, but i need that for once..i need that attention...i barely ask for attention, barely ever. I dont think i do. That's waht i realized. But of course i can never get this mad combo all in one bloke. I guess i have to date itsy bitsy parts of it in every guy so i can confirm that in life, no dude...can ever be what i want and i have to live with the sad fuckin fact that i have to adapt to every type of bad quality he has. He has to be a great fucking flirt, he has to have the best jokes, he has to laugh at my jokes for me, he has to make me pancakes for breakfast, he has to cook for me. He has to just love me and love me when i least deserve it, cuzthats when i need it most. He has to love my mother and my mother has to love him back. He has to take care of my sisters, so i wouldn't worry so much. He has to take care of me when i'm a living hell. That's the only way i could love a guy, if he's like this. If there's anyone like this ever..i will fall madly in love with him. But is there anybody like this fantasy? No there isn't. Anyways, i'm attached, why am i wanting all this. Guess it hasn't come out from him yet and i keep waiting for the right time for him to show me all these things without leaving a single clue whatsoever. But so far, i'm glad i met him. Really i am. I just dont know how long this relationship will last, whether it will hit off. It's a pretty serious relationship between us...really. And the question is are both of us willing to move to the next chapter?

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

earth to bella

Today's the day to just be back at work. I was sick for two days. Well i felt sick. haha. I dont know maybe it's just the thought of hitting the cubicle, makes me all claustrophobic and stuck. What's really pathetic is that when i get into the pantry to have my casual drags and i stare outside the window at the city, i start to really appreciate it. It's beautiful during the day, without the lighting, just with the sunlight that reflects on the trees. You can see that everything is accompanied by shadows all at once. Really nice view. The feeling of being released at the end of the day is one major relief. And i'm here inside the office, blocked from feeling the heat of the sun, just inside here, stuck in a freezer with no warmth beside me. I met john for lunch, he looked really sick, like his eye bags were purple, not grey, it just made me feel so sorry for him. I care about him a lot,but i dont know if he appreciates the attention i give him. Everytime he tells me i dont bother, it really frustrates me. I'm not that heartless, i live, i breathe the same air you all do, except the only thing that segregates us is our thinking, our tolerance, the ability to control anger or just splurt it out like a mean bitch. That's me, i splurt it out until it affects people and in the end i am filled with regret. But after all the regretting, why do i still continue to do the same? Is it because they are doing the same thing all over again, and that just shows people barely change. IF they changed, i'd change. I have made sacrifices, i have done the same. After all, i'm human, i do the same things and i need the same things. I need attention sometimes, i dont think i'm being spoilt. I just think i deserve these things sometimes, i just think that i need some tender lovin' care after a cold day at work. Just like how you get out from the pool and the winds just right there to freeze the shit outta you. Imagine, you have no towels to warm you up, wouldn't it be nice if someone could just wrap you up in that warmth and comfort? Wouldn't it be nice? It is to me.
I dont know what's been happening. Maybe i dont show that i care enough when he's sick and tired of arguing. Maybe i just push him to argue when he's weak. Maybe i'm just pure evil. Maybe i'm regretting being evil. Maybe i'll show him some more love and affection.
I watched Fantastic 4,the silver surfer. It was pretty good shit for me. I didn't watch the previous one, just this. I thought the graphics were fuckin realistic. I thought it wasn't too long or short, it flowed smoothly, kept me entertained. I was satisfied. I like the silver surfer. We had this relation, this chemistry. haha...he's gonna take me out on his board..we're gonna go downtown and party till the crack of dawn! haha..whoosh.
okay i'm fucked. My brain is.
Anyways, i can't wait to mr.elmomo gets back here, i wanna freakin give him a tight ass hug and just see how much weight he's jiggled off. haha. Can't wait to eat nasi kandar and just talk like old times, just rest and relax. ahhh miss you elmomoku!
Anyways..i guess blogging has its ending. This is the end for now.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

i'm just tired.

Hello torture chamber,
the torture chamber im in right now is an office in disguise. It has this stoic ambience that deeply affects you and it really is a silent killer. bang bang. Not just that, most of the time i'm online and reading CNN news or checking out animal pictures in national But hey, i'm still living my life at the workplace. I try to find something to do. Sooner or later when it approaches evening time i will be covered in paperwork or tvc edits which I find quite fun actually. Today it's a friday, what do i feel like doing? Was planning to watch FANTASTIC FOUR. But some of my friends want to take me clubbing, they said that i've turned into an old lady, always staying at home and only chilling,not living up to a teenagers standard of FUN and GETTING WILD. THey were like "what happened to you bel?" And my response is simple and clear cut..i said "I'm just tired." OH ya fuck, i have a 2 hour full-body massage appointment at 7pm. I desperately need to cleanse my body with hot oil and a great steam dip. haha. I wanna go all dimsum. Just need to moisturize myself, my life. The thing is, i'm getting really fair now, and i'm not liking it. I dont mind flying down to BALI just to get a quick tan. I dont mind. As long as i dont go back to the pale tone. I'm good. It just makes me look sad and sick.
Goodbye, i'm so fucking bored now actually, its LUNCH HOUR. But i've already munched on lunch and i'm waiting for JOhn.
anyways...see you peeps.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

ms. jolie

Early mornings spent facing a computer are really not that fascinating.

Everyday i just sit, look around, go to the pantry for my awakening drags, eat me breakfast, and come back to warm up a seat that is still infact warm.

I don't know maybe i'm not cut out for the workplace, maybe i'm not cut out to be locked up in a working environment. Everything is still and the people are always routinely busy, everyone just remains stationary. Perhaps im a newbie here so it gives me the right to complain, but honestly speaking, i do not like the 9-6 hour.

I dont know it depends, when they give me things to do then i feel content. If they don't give me things to do, i sit around like some dope waiting for assignments. It really is that boring that it has to resort to me asking for work to do. Normally, i just escape from work. But this time, i'm being graded for performance. There's a freakin evaluation form of which the superiors will fill out, in there it states my working performance and ability to communicate with clients and the other employees in euro.

There's like this contract and if i fuck it up, i guess my grades are fucked then i guess it will leave a dirty stain in my academic record. And i do not want that do i? Of course not! Fuck i need to buy Incubus' latest album but i keep forgetting and i keep going home tired after work and i dont know just dont feel like going shopping.

Anyways two days back we abducted a kitten from mamak MOSIN. At first i strongly disapproved because i personally hate cats and how they are so unpredictable. Just scares the shit out of me. So normally when we leave cats outside or let it go it does not bother to come back. This cat's different, it freakin came back to us and slept in a shoe box right infront of the porch. It's really cute, its personality is amazing. I've never met a cat like that ever. I named it Jolie because it reminds me of angelina jolie, it has that look, that mysterious psycho beauty look. It's better looking than angelina though. The way it fishes for attention is odd, it freakin pole dances around your calves and if you dont look at it, it'll just sit down and look up at you innocently. HOw fuckin cute is that? And once you feed it, it stops meowing, and when no ones around it sleeps like a pig.
I don't know,i'm starting to get used to these exotic creatures. Im a pro with dogs,but cats? hmm..i have yet to learn.

I'm actually looking forward to buying a collar with a tiny bell for it. You know what i feel like going home. I think i will after the internship, it ends on the 20th of July. So i'll try to make it for a few days or so. Just wanna be home with mum and sisters.

Anyways, i'm over with bloggin

Sunday, June 10, 2007

it would be a good afternoon

A great afternoon for some hot tea and crumbles.

What i have to do later after work:
1. Pay my bills, bills, bills
2. Purchase Incubus' latest album entitled "Light Grenades"
3. Cheer up me baby
4. Brush up in pool
5. Complete "Dress your family in Corduroy and Denim"

That's all that's in line for today. That's all i want to be up to.

I feel so bad that i can't make it home to jtown. I really wanted to spend time with my mother when she dropped by in KL. Just that, i had to split my time between john and her. She had a companion, so i thought it was ok to just leave em alone and not interrupt. Then when she arrived indo, she called me to tell me that my two sisters had gone off to do their own things.

I really want to fly down and just be alone with my mother, re-do our old days. Spending time with her, having high tea at the hyatt, drink hot tea and eat our biscuits british style. I just want to do all that. Can i?
I'm trying to sort out my responsibilities here first. But they seem to never end. Shit.

I just want to:
-go home and eat home cooked food
-be there for my mum
-read a book in peace
-have tea in an unfamiliar place
-smile all day

That's all i can give you.

Feeling the love? At this moment,i'm not.

I'll see you then.

Monday, June 04, 2007

rough morning, rough day.

Morning,morning. I had a pretty rough moment with John lastnight. I went to meet my friends over at cyber for dinner. And since John smashed his own car a few weeks back, i know how he feels. Basically, we're stuck together so i don't get enough space till i get to the office and he doesn't get enough space until he drops me at the office and picks me up. It's a hassle, it's stressful to live this way, but i'm hoping it will not be permanent. My life with John is splendid, it can be i know it. It's just that we are both not used to this messy lifestyle therefore our moods twist up and we take it out on each other. I just really wanted to spend more time with my friends, to just cope up with them. I just feel restricted, like i have a time limit, John doesn't get times he could be a little selfish and oblivious. I'm surprised i didn't end things,normally i would. But i have to let it go with the flow...i can't just jump off leaving the problem behind. I guess i've never given anybody the chance to explain themselves. I too am selfish. More selfish than my partner actually.
Be right back. Need an intensive drag session.
Intensive drag session taken. Now i have the smoke in me to write. The inspiration we humans get from nicotine. haha. Okay this months period is affecting me,making me yearn for morning, lunch, and dinner chocolate. Shito. I've been having these chocolate cravings since sunday god dammit. I went swimming two days back, man it was cool, the feeling of going through the midnight waves. It was the chill that made it fun, the type of breeze that makes you feel like you're really in the world and that it's not some studio background or some shit. Its that thrill of just jumping into water at an odd hour, when the pool lights are off and everything is just quiet and still until you interrupt it. It's beautiful really. I have to keep swimming. Then again, my red month has come, can't at the moment.
Murti's birthdays tomoro and I feel that i'm so fuckin irresponsible. I haven't gotten her a gift yet..somehow i have a feeling she will read this entry. It's one of those feelings. I haven't gotten her anything yet, but i know it will be some sort of modern vintage. Something that suits her skin, perhaps some flashes of gold and mundane green, hints of colors that look ugly when they are by themselves but when combined with other dull colors,they look magnificent. She needs those types, she fits those types and its a compliment. Cuz i really do like those kind of colors that are dull and boring alone but with the powers combined..dullness=the new in thing man.
I'm really not a fashion expert, i basically just put on whatever i have on. Seriously when it comes to clubbing, i seriously barely ever dress up. If i dress up, that means im really in the mood to just be sexy and have fun. But most of the just with my tanks and jeans and sandals. Kalo ngk bisa masuk, ya udah slip on the same heels i've been using for the last couple of months. But i do need to shop for heels, i do. Just haven't found the right type yet. I dont understand how don don can get so many man, she's the fashion expert. But her clothes fit her yknow, like no one else could fit Donna's clothing line. I follow that hobo lifestyle look except i'm just cleaner and more accessorized. I dont know i have my days when i feel like shining, but most of the time i'm drained down from internship..i think of comfort more than anything else. Comfort spells out a navy green sweater with a huge ass hood, washed out jeans, brown leather belt, and a simple BLACK u2 singlet inside..and brown flats...flats..flats..and of course my two favorite beaded bracelets,never forget them. Thats basically me everyday, everywhere, unless an occassion pops up. Sounds very unattractive. haha i am very unattractive. I just dont have the days of dressing up anymore. I dont like mixin and matching no more, i just wear what there is to wear in my boring closet. At times i see all these bright happy colors i'd love to dig myself into..but unfortunately i've abandoned them for an uglier set of clothes. Sometimes i just wanna wear all my necklaces that i've worn in the pass, but today..i no longer have the mood to wear anything on my neck. My shoes...god..i wish i could wear all of em at one go..but i just wear the same sandals, the same flats. What has happened to me? Even my own boyfriend thinks i'm too casual for certain outings. Like it was his big bachelor event so he figured i'd dress up like some princess, instead i came looking like an expensive maid. Yeah i was wearing a white singlet, jeans, and pumps. He thought i was underdressed. Now im actually beginning to feel that i have to sacrifice comfort to please him. I'm always with the attitude of not giving a shit of how i look infront of others..i mean i didn't think i looked thatbad..i was just not fit enough to match his decent suit. I dont know why i'm just fuckin lazy to go parading in my stilettos and fuckin fancy tops that are long, drawn, and shiny. I mean cmon man...all the girls out there that are willing to really dress like that, i salute them all the way. Ok i'll try to wear something more than casual..something that shows my tits...something that just looks shiny with all the little bits of sequins tossed across the shoulder line. I'll dress like a friggin celeb. haha..NOT. I guess i would consider showing up more "in" place.
Just had lunch with mr.john...i didn't really enjoy it because today we were both boring and very NOT loving. I dont know i needed a hug, he needed attention but i didn't give him any. C'mon give me a break man, i ain't feeling so well. Sometimes guys are just such attention seekers, sometimes they just get on your nerves. Later on, i feel like just sinking into bed and my cool dreams rather than look at his sulky sad spoilt face. It just puts me into a world of rage.
I'm not really having a nice day, feeling tired.

korean bbq

Hey dude,
I'm getting pretty used to this cubicle thing. Although i prefer LB much more, i have no choice but to undergo the office hours. It's cool. Now i know what it feels like to live the reality college/uni days prepare you for. Its pathetic actually. They teach us nothing but nonsense, we study so hard adn then come out to work, then whatever is taught by the book does not apply to what we call work.
It's funny how my supervisors wanna challenge me to a pool match. Lets see who wins, they look like their fuckin pros so i'll just back out anytime man. haha.
Dude...i miss my friends..ever since this relationship started..i felt that my friendship with friends slowly parted. So sooner or later, i have to learn how to balance my time, learn how to split myself properly.
Dude,i ate the best korean bbq ever for the first time in my life, it was magnificent..the pork. And im really not the type of person that craves to eat pork, onlywhen its cooked in a dish and i have no option,i'll dig onit. But this time...i wanted more and more...i feel like i have sinned. Porks just not my thing. But now i can see why its so fuckin delicious. Koreans have their way with meat.
So today was a pretty weird seems like the clock doesn't tickone bit..but the time is actually passing.
I miss my mother.....i dont get could she travel everywhere and not feel lethargic. Now she's in germany and i have no idea where she will go to next..but i wish i was with her, travelling and eating and eating and drinking my time away.
Man i guess i gotta go home soon..johns pickin me up and this is all thats on my mind. Today i am pretty empty-minded.