Thursday, May 11, 2006

smile myself to sleep

The dark days kill. But now i'm not in pain, i'm not in the world of boredom. I just need some light. Let there be light during the night. The moon itself is not enough, i'm greedy, i want two more. It's so dark here, i'm at home, im stuck here, i can't go out cuz theyre all asleep. Ppl i call will be asleep. Im not bo red i repeat. im not bored. It feels strange now. Not knowing what to do at this hour, i say to myself, i should actually be bored, although i'm not.
I miss, yes my three best friends, all for different reasons, different moments between each. They are my fairies, they light me up, give me hope to see them during holidays or anytime they are free to take a day off, but most likely is me to take a day off for them. I'd do anything, go anywhere just to support these precious peeps. They are the one, for i love em so, and realized just a year ago. I want to marry all three of them so my loneliness and stress will be cured. It's better to marry all three of em at once than marry just one. Haha joshin.
work, going good so far, dont wanna jinx it, dont wanna jinx anyone in the business. Teamwork is all it takes to support me, i go to get fuckd up so that it would motivate me. They are tough on me, they tell me i dont produce shit or beautiful results, they tell me i'm a loser that has lost already and will never get back up, but i do. I get back up. I'm stronger. i'm bitchier. And i like it just the way life is, uncomfortable.
The daily dramas of fakes, are they really fake? i gv em some credit to make effort to act like somebody else when really they know best that they can't possibly pull it off. But they continue to be fake to twist our minds, to make us pay attention to em. Everyones done this, everyone has had their drama days, they just have to admit it quietly. No one will act out their bad habits on first dates. We should work on being ourselves on first dates. But it's a tough move there.
Im making up for lent, i haven't served my 40 days in years, i feel that i should grow up and i'm givin up meat...turkey, chicken, beef, and pork..whatever it is that fulfills my tummy...i choose to sacrifice em for a month plus. I think its the right move.
Beer, no longer my favorite. yes i drink it at times, not more than 3 glasses, you believe me? Or you just wanna say bullshit? I think you'll go with bullshit. But i've given up beer a few months i guess i've thought so much about how disgusting it is that i no longer love it but get sick from it.
Margarita, defines life, i enjoy sipping every second of the lime and tequilla, it ain't strong. It's a mild drink and it's delicious. It goes well with my thoughts and aids my thoughts to even bigger ones. You wouldn't understand, it just helps.
Stressed out cuz i think too much about nothing. I just picture the worst scenarios that can ever take plc in life and try to invent ways of solvin it. Problem solvin. I kind of have fun, but those are unecessary thoughts to consider, i have enough to think about. And love is not in the guys or guys are not in the list. Now they do not exist for a bit. I dont want to be attracted to anyone right now. Though its way beyond my control, i just try to control thinkin that i will control.
There's this guy, he's in skul, i dont know him, we see each other, we notice each other. I dont have a crush on him, neither does he have one on me. But someday, i will know him..cuz he looks like he'd make a good friend, someone understanding enough for me. Someone perfect for me. But pride is keeping us away from each other, blocking a great friendship i feel. haha..i know it sounds weird..but i would really want to get to know him. I feel that he could be a best friend in KL. The fact that he's hot doesn't appeal to me, it's just him, his charisma, the way he just looks at me, i like it cuz he's straight forward yet mysterious. i can tell he's sincere. :D cieh... Since my three musketeers are scattered around the globe, i feel i need another musketeer here. :D But no those are just random thoughts, stickin to the control bit. :D
The future, will i fail or be normal or succeed? Will i fall for an ass? will i trip infront of a cool crowd? Will i cry within this week? will i violate my promise? Will i drink beer or margarita? will i make more money? will i argue with my housemate? will i argue or fuck up my friends? will i do well for my presentation? will i see my friends again? will i ever devote my time for someone? will i be more responsible in future? will i get a dopod? will i disappoint myself or them? will i trust more ppl? will i behave properly infront of the p's? will i do a good job of influencing? will i be influenced? All these are just the usual thoughts that pass my mind all at one go. Seems confusing, but we normally have more. I only have a few sentences, normally i have essays of questions in my head to deliver in blogs. But i get stuck n unfortunately, questions are forgotten.
i would love to chill by the lakeside and sip white wine and laugh for nothing.
lets all smile ourselves to sleep. I'll go first.