Monday, October 30, 2006

cheppi cheppi

Hey blog, nearly done with my finals. Getin close getin close. But the thing is i have my cousins wedding to go to and thank god there's no exam on that day, but there are exams after that. The 11th of novembers like squashed in between my busy schedule...but since kristies getn MARRIED...shit its big..i gotta go check it out.
I've lost the taste of is everywhere actually, you can have fun anytime, but it won't be original and unplanned. When its planned..everything is easy to predict. I won't say i have fun all the time, people seem to think im the type of person that always has the fun and makes it fun. Im really not that type of person. I can be so negative towards having fun, i can ruin a night just by forcing my friend to go home. I could do that..but im way too considerate to turn off the engines of the night. haha. In this life, i feel like my job is to help people that complain and whine about their own personal problems all night long. That's my job, my life. That's what i've been doing all the time that i forget what the fuck to do for myself. I forget everything and i start all over.
I praise the days when i could just laze around like a bitch without probs...those days were cool but today, i can' matter how hard i try to relax..i stress myself out and i stress other people out. That part of me is rather inconsiderate. I'm very inconsiderate at times...i blame selfish has affected quite a number of people close to me. Although they think i dont give a day i hope they'll understand that this is me..and i hope to change but its a tough process. I want to just sit around and be a bum like the others..and i want to cure this stubbornness of mine. I'm so freakin stubborn. I really am. But not as stubborn as my sister. I miss playing big2 with them....i miss poolin with em too. I realized i got so shitty when i played this dj in faaarrrk he's one hero in pool man...he can spin a ball, like seriously, he can spin a ball and his accuracy is fuckin superb! I admire him..really do. One day i'll train to be just like him...if i'm given the time to train. haha.
Oh gosh christmas is coming, time for me to make some cards and buy some gifts...i dont feel like goin back to jakarta..but christmas has gotta be with the family, what is the meaning if its not wtih the family? I wanna go to maldives this dec friends getting married, i'm so happy for her...i really wanna go and see her beautiful wedding..ahh what a floaty dream to think of. It's just nice to be in a get to see everything ahead of you. But i dont know if it'll happen to me..a friend of mine told me that guys would be too scared to propose to me. Shit man...makes me feel like some sad monster or sumin. But when i come to think of it..hell yeah its kinda true...i make the bitchy wife.
haha...whoever wants to marry me..i'll feel sorry for him. He's gonna have a rough time.
haha...the djajalie's...i guess we're all brought up this way...
anyways blog...i'm tied up..can't be all caught up here..gotta focus focus focus on my consumer behavior project...what a little mofo really...and some other projects of which i truly feel like throwing away.
bello bello

Thursday, October 26, 2006

collecting seashells by the sea

Hey wat up
i had a fresh break....i went to penang trus ke langkawi...have to stay within Malaysia or else i'll definitely fail my semester. This time i'm goin back to kl and i'm gonna have to study and do all my assignments at one go. Since i took up four days already, i can't afford to waste another day of having some fun. Langkawi was not what i expected...when you arrive the feel as if it still looks like where you were running away from..the city. It looks like a city..but as you drive deeper into the'll see a real a forest without lights, without life. Then you past your forest and reach a stretch of pubs and such..of which looks like's beautiful...its a good break for me but even though i didn't enjoy it..anything with a beach will make me happy. I'll smile for sure. And i did manage to get a lil tan but it was aite..the whole time i was at the beach, i was collecting sea shells and playing with them little hermit crabs. so cute....i was trying to catch a baby crab but it was too fast for me...i realized then that my stamina was running low. haha it is man. I didn't really go shopping....i just went cruisin around, island hopping more like it. It was cool to get was cool to find my way back. All in all, it's cool to do such things. It's cool to be adventurous with people that are adventurous and don't mind staying in the cheap wooden pondoks and such. That's pure fun.
Days like this, we all should cherish. Because sooner or later, i'll be back in class doin the old boring stuff...learning stuff that are unecessary but trying to ace it. That's just stupid of me..but what can i do..its just one more sem and i'm good to more sem thank god!
i'm so so sick of the life in uni..but once work starts..i'll beg to run back and study in uni.
haha..its just like that.
I used to think that it was easy to make money, well it's not. It's not easy! Some people don't have to be educated but they can make it and the educated ones are far too educated to lose their face and in the end....they end up failures. I hope that life will turn out good for me..i hope i will grow up to be a responsible person. I hope i'll grow up for the most part.
Anyways my times up.
i gotta ciao now.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

get'n out

I'm in genting highlands, just went to the ride of terror..haha terror my ass. Spent 20 sumin bux on something that doesn't even have a pontianak or a ghost in it. I mean it looked scary at first...but as you walk through the jungle of ghosts and fucked up statues with their fuckd up faces, you feel that the 20 bux shouldve been spent on something else like dufan. Even that dufan cartoon freaks me out more than this stupid ass ride. fuck this shit man.
ok back to the part about why im here? I'm here bcuz i wannabe, im here bcuz the city's so boring and the haze is really affecting my lungs. Im here because i want fresh air and fresh space and fresh mushroom dishes. I'm here because it clears my lungs and my head and everything thats bothering me. It's just a new dimension to be in. Although this place is scattered with families and their noisy kids, that don't bug me, they're having the exact vacation im having and its bloody fun. What i'm doing? I'm enjoying my cig as it burns down real fast....but its good to smoke here along with the fresh air.....its as if you're smoking nicotine with fresh air. Cool huh...just makes you feel less guilty about smoking becuz u feel refreshed. I'm such a tea drinker, more than i'm a beer pisses my body off...makes me reject the gas...all i can have is 2 bottles or so...but it doesn't bother makes me feel much better. Compared to the old days when i was carrying a beer belly, twas awful. I feel light headed, i feel happy. haha....anyways...i was just talking to a friend about marriage..and shit its scary. One of my friends think i won't get married cuz he said the boys would be too scared to propose to me. That really doesn't answer my scares me. I mean of course i wanna get married, wouldn't it be sad to be unmarriable? To be so unavailable in this already boring world. I mean i want to taste the real life...but now is definitely the wrong time for all that shit. I just dont know what to think about when it comes to such things, it doesn't seem to make sense why things all have to end up this way for people, for families. Why do i have to get married yknow? There's no the end my dad will eventually set me up. One thing i've been doing recently, i've been trying to master people's personalities...trying to listen to their comebacks and such so i'll know them more. Seriously, a comeback is a possible way to tell a persons true color. You just see the color of humor and with that humor you read what reaction they want out of you. I'm sure i'm quite an easy person to read. Just that sometimes when people guess what i'm thinking about right, i get so freaked out...then i change the subject. It's scary to read people's minds becuz when you know everything, you just know everything and it creates conflicts of which leads to losing friends. I don't know how many friends of mine back stab me...but im beginning to understand why they do that becuz i myself tend to talk about some people...friends especially, friends i know so well and just when ive had too much of their medicine, i spread it elsewhere like a freakin plague. Normally due to rage, frustration, and to decrease my stress level. I can't stand it when my friends borrow something from me and then wear it infront of me as if its theirs and they don't talk about returning it...i can't see myself doing that. And please if you borrow money from someone, have the decency to pay them where the hell were you brought up....didn't ur parents teach you to return what's lost and found? or what's borrowed and worn? like fuck man....people have got to learn shit like that. its beginning to make me wanna make a speech on that. I'm stressing out these days because uni is ending so soon and once it ends, it's over...there's no going back, there's no looking back, there's no longer a chance. It's like they teach you how to wear ur own diapers before you take care of other people's. it's freaking me out. That's what you call work, cleaning up shit left behind from people in a higher position. It sux. Today i just saw a huge farm....i realized that it was what i really wanted for my future, yeah i wanna live in a cozy house in the middle of a huge ass farm, waking up to cows and such..isn't that cool? The fresh air...fresh everything.. I want to buy that with my own hard earned money...with the sweat i exerted, my own money. If its not possible, i'll let you guys know after i go to work. If it's not possible, i dont give, i'll get back up. Well, i'll try not to be lazy. I've been so lazy these days, eversince i've rearranged my room..i guess i fucked up on the feng shui bit. I'm quite into feng shui, it's logical and it really does make sense.
Yeah and like i said life's just ok. Ok means there's a bunch of happy and angry moments. its only fair..if it ain't balanced and you see me smiling everyday, i must be fuckd up like someone's bitch man. guys...just no boy friends..yeah there's alotta flirtation goin around..but that's just out of boredom and complete non-interest in them. I swear.
I wanna make a cook out in my'll be so fun...just a small barbecue party with all the retards..isn't that cute? haha..then we can toast to our fine wines by the lake..magnificent.
Yeah well thats something that won't happen...whatever plans i plan turns out a failure..normal la normal. My cousins getting married so soonn...shit man....then i'm gona have to wear a dress and look pretty for her...since she's such a perfectionist. It's gonna be such a sweet wedding.....i'm scared i'll cry for her..i've seen her grow up and she's seen me grow up as well...just that time passes so fast and now she's in her late 20's..thats so weird mon.
Anyways i gotta go now...i'm freezing my ass off bcuz its freezing haha...and what the fuck i'm hungry. I dunt understand, i've been eating so fuckin much and even if my tummy pops out..i still eat like there's no there's gonna be no food tomorrow. WTF...i gotta cut down on my meals. It's really my sleeping hours messin up...and i dont wanna skip no class...faaaaarkkk i got class early tomoro morning. i gotta go dude....assignments have been killing me, stressing me out..making me wanna choke on an olive or something. But i know what i'm gonna do once sem ends...i'm gonna fuckin just sit down like a joker and drink with myjoker all the way to the top.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

i want to eat some real food.

I feel like blogging
So here i am.

Its so quiet around here, this place, this life, the friends around you, they're so still, colder than an iceberg, they dont heat you up when you need the heat. I need a hug, a really warm hug to decrease the troubles twisting in my head. I need someone to care for me. That's just for now though..the only thing that keeps me moving are my assignments, other than that...i won't move..i'll stay in my nutshell and eat in it. Quite pathetic. Clubbing? It's bulan puasa, all the clubbers are being good this month, but i'm too lazy to go shake that ass and watch others do the same thing and drink the same shit, i'm too lazy...we're going for the exact same thing over and over again. It's getting boring. It really is, but i know i'll end up going just for some solid entertainment. Haha i love watching hte girls dance. They just think they're so fuckin hot when really they're not..if they were at least pretty, i'd give them some credit, but they're fuckin sick and all they do to get attention is flash their g-strings and underwear. God damn...don't you have anything else to show off to the guys. Ya that sickens me. I mite go party this saturday, but partying now is so plain...same shit. I can't believe i didn't notice it. Now when i go to zouk or something, i just stay there for like an hour. its been a while since i've danced with my girlfriends till the end. It's been a realllly loooooooong ass time man. Ah fuck im hungry right now. I'm gonna get myself something from dairy queens. haha fattening, but great.
Before i turn 20, i'm gonna do so many things...i'll prolly celebrate my birthday with my fellow internshippers. haha...i'll prolly just celebrate it alone. haha. Definitely don't want to get drunk and be the laughing stock. I swear..shit can't i get drunk properly. It's awful.
Okay i'ma go and continue my work today....alotta pressure but i'm handlin it quite well. See you when its over..hopefully.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

the sunshine intimidates me--and so i hide.

Hey blogger,

It's a beautiful day huh? I know that no matter how many times i try to convince myself that i'm fully happy, i'll end up feeling like shit, so yeah please understand me. It's a Sunday today, but it feels like a freakin week day, cuz i still have to do some research. I've constantly been working on my laptop, bringing it around, typing around, discussing around, fuck dude, i really hate that life. But my group mates were cool so we got along well. Hate it when they group me up with strangers yknow, but oh well it turned out kewl. Like they were the underdogs of the class or something, all my friends were like "dude you're so not gonna do well" and i was like "yeah, perhaps ur right"..but we worked as a team and proved them wrong. haha. Im happy with the results though, i love our media flow chart, haha it defines professionalism alright. haha. I dont know..but that feeling of working together is so rare, yknow yeah its easy to work together, but its not easy to analyze each other's answers before we all agree to type it down. Haha...anyways i've been watching Russell Peters and Pablo Francisco, fuck i like them both, they're so fuckin funny! A good way for me to waste my time ay. If i had the time, i'd go white water rafting, i never got the chance, i never grabbed it actually, i was always too lazy and even when i felt like goin, no one else felt like it. Those moments when people keep changing their minds just when you change yours. Stupidos! haha...gosh i haven't seen Kristine in ages, yo tita....where you at man! I wonder if you read my blogs, cuz if you do, not bad...u ain't out of track, well its not that detailed. The rest i'll tell you personally oke tito. Ah not sure whether i'll make it this december to jjjj-town...haha cuz ive got this stupid ass internship going on and i guess i have to keep myself all focused, no off day sama sekali. It's a tough world out there, its so ugh unfair. I wanna watch this DUKUN movie man, looks real cool and everytime they say its based on a true story, thats where my interest lies, tapi when i come home from the cinema, i just scare the hell outta myself. Yeah that common fear of looking at the mirror cuz ur afraid there'll be someone uncool behind. hahaa..or when you're sleeping and you wanna close ur eyes, but you just gotta see what the fucks goin on in ur room, so u leave it open and plus you try to find things in the dark that form a figure or some sort of face, then you fuckin scare urself out. Im one of those people. I admit, i'm pussy but not that pussy tho, if you put me in a ghost house, i swear to god i'll still fuckin move. I recently went to a fun fare, it was cool, i lovedthis ride called VORTEX, that was scary shit man, and the rest were pretty cool. Its been a long time since i had that one adrenaline rush, the kinda rush when the wind attacks ur face, feels like some kind of freedom you can never get a hold of. Go on a rollercoaster and wave ur hands around then you'll comprehend my meaning dude. Deepavali's comin soon, its cool man, the flower art they make on the cement with colored sand, so pretty. I won't have the patience to do that. I duno man Hinduism is one interesting religion, its not fanatic or anything, its so peaceful and laid back. I would like to study about it one day. Well i know a little about Buddhism, i've been to more buddhist funerals then christian ones. I've touched the josstick more than i've touched the rosary. Not to say i'm lazy with my religion, its just what i have to do, its an interest i pick up more than my religion. But im still a Catholic though, i haven't been to church for years, but i feel more comfortable visiting a temple for some reason. I went to this big temple in penang, it was so beautiful man, there was a huge ass Buddha and it looks really cool when all the monks were humming and all that, and i kid you not, there was a really cute monk. haha im fuckin serious, he was real cute, yeah but its not gonna happen, i know i know. haha....hey i'm not nasty aite. He was plain cute, thats all. But im glad that he chose this path of life, im proud of him, but imagine if he decided not to be a monk? haha fuck dude...aite aite no more thoughts...i just find weird stuff like this sexy. When somethings wrong, it feels so right. The way people live by the rules, it's just so boring, can't we break it, can't we go beyond the barrier, it would be fun. Im so sick of this life, the boring life. I understand that people go to church cuz they want to go to church, but no matter how many times in a week you go, what's the difference, it doesn't make you true to your religion, it just makes you a fanatic. Im sorry, but i feel that God allows us to pray to him wherever we are and it doesn't have to take place in his house. I mean yeah i know to pay your respects and all, i will do that occassionally when i feel like it, but i won't do i everyday. If you go there everyday it just becomes a normal routine to be seen in church and to prove that ur faithful, but how bout the others out there that are really faithful, but they don't go to church everyday? I got sick of church cuz of all the people there after mass, hate the way all the mothers gather up to gossip about their husbands and kids.
ahh not to say im against that religion, im not at all, just that sometimes when someone gets so fanatic about GOD, it gets people kind of sick of their religion. Yeah religion talk, not to offend the people out there, but it bothers me how people think their religions cooler than others, and how there's only one god in the world when really we dont know. I can't believe we're so confident and sure that we're praying to someone. I mean you haven't even witnessed GOD and you're bragging to the world why he's so great and all? I duno man. We're kind of stupid beings, we just do whatever we're set to do, yeah people tell us to have faith and beliefs, but are those just empty beliefs that we consider or are they real beliefs cuz you've seen GOD and all? Ok cukup cukup. I get carried away sometimes cuz i've been told by several people that i should go to church whether i like it or not, then i just get pissed off, i mean dude...don't push someone to go to church if he/she doesn't want to, they can think for themselves and it doesnt matter what you think about them, whether they are irresponsible or unfaithful to god. ONly God judges people, people can't judge people. Cuz either way, when people judge people, we're always wrong.
adios, adios, adios....
im gonna go research now aite...

Friday, October 06, 2006

A recovery

Shit, i miss jakarta, it's only been 2 months or so but im missing my mum like a bitch. And the fact that i have internship right after this semester doesn't really make me feel alot betta. Imagine no breaks or family dinners, no life, nothing to turn to. I can only depend on myself. I miss my friends, im so sick mentally, not that way, but so home sick. I long for the old days where friends would be around on the dot...around everywhere i go. It's so sad its happening, the stage of growing up is a killer. I have no choice, i have to be rational that if i wanna end uni, i gotta get recognition from internshippin. Its just so sad cuz i haven't seen most of my friends for so long, i feel like a different person. I feel like spendin time with them in an island, just havin fun and cracking up jokes and all. Those are the days to miss, the days that mean so much to you, the days you use to take for granted, the days that make your day, most of all, the days that make who you are today grateful for having those days. Ahh..i have a headache, i can't think properly, i have an essay to do,i just can't breathe. I can't live properly without these retards. At times like these, life makes me feel so inferior to others, makes me lifeless without these people. They mean so fuckin much to me man. Im sad..but its ok tho...i know i'll wake up tomoro and it'll be all cool again. Im gonna go now mang....gotta do my work. I'll try to work hard.
love you