Thursday, January 03, 2008

blanked out.

To Mr. Blank Sheet of Paper.

These days have been a rollercoaster. Filled with the ups and downs of relationships, countless amounts of thoughts and stress that pile up like freakin maggots. It's just sickening to live life this way. How do you get over such stress, how do you relief that shit? Some say the solutions lie in magazines and google. I tried all that, there was no happy thoughts. No drugs to use.

It's shit that this life is full of weird emotions that everybody has to encounter just to break even. Just to feel a similarity between familiar feelings, emotions, moves, reactions. Whatever it is, i've never felt so horrible in life before.

Here i am breaking 20 in a matter of a few days. I'm leaving 20 for the big 21. Its suppose to be my year, its suppose to be all mine. And today when i was depressed and when my heart was thumpin like a choo choo train, i couldnt do shit about it. The pathetic part was that when my friends have issues, i used to think they were pussy issues. Now i'm the pussy and they've gone a step further, they've graduated from the stress and found a way to solve their problems. I helped some of those friends and im sitting here typing to you because i can't seem to help myself.

Now im thinking how the fuck do i help myself? I think when it happens to others, you see the bigger picture. When people are stressed out they are caught up in this emotional state and it deepens through time. So you see the big picture, tell them whats going on and some see it and some don't. Right now i need someone to help me paint the big picture infront of my eyes. So i can see it, so my thoughts will not believe my short term imaginations. Because i'm a pessimist. Everything that seems clear to me is bad. So thats why i ruin relationships, thats why i ruin myself and my partner. I need time to really find my true self. Just by letting things go for a while.

You just need more time to give ur brain a rest. I was talking to a good friend of mine and he told me that i live my life through reassurance. I always assure myself, gather the closure, then only my decisions are made. I never let time take its course, i just keep being a bug to things.

My nature is to push. I just realized im such a bug. I just keep flying everywhere, whatever angles available, i freakin ram straight into it. I push and push, i have no patience of any sort. How the hell do i just relax and do that? It's so tough. I admire the people that have that quality. PATIENCE.

Patience is such a powerful word. Because it never occurred to me till just right this sec that i lack that quality, and it is just what i need. The problem starts with building the patience. Words that best describe me is impatient, compulsive, pessimistic,selfish, and a person with bad understanding. Yeah that's all i got. Probably got a lot more negative words.

I dont think i can write anymore. I need to think and see myself in a different perspective. Study my flaws perhaps.