Tuesday, January 31, 2006

why does shit happen? its so annoying.

Tell me the truth, why does shit happen? One minute you feel like ur completely happy, then when something happens in between that happy moment, something else can bring u down. I hate moments, cuz they don't last forever. If only they could. If they lasted forever, it would be great for now. Not like i want everything perfect in life, i just want to be happy. Just that these past few weeks i haven't been, i've been stressing myself out, even after a massage, i still stressed my ownself out. It's like nothing works. beer doesn't even work and it's starting to disgust me. And i just drank some. To hell with beer...i hate it and love it. We have a love-hate relationship. And in the end i drink some of it while i hate the shit out of it. Hmm...im weird..i know. People have informed me about that. I don't care. At least im not trying to be fake. Ahh fuck i'm so frustrated...i smoked two packs of cigs. I'm so annoyed..i feel so ugggh. yeah. My dreams and desires? hmm..right now i would like an x5, nope not tell my daddy to buy it for me, buy it with my own money, the money i earn. Its a different feeling and i can't wait for it. I think tis the perfect car for me to drive around, it's big, spacious, and it's elegant. My type. Another choice would be the 6 series. I've always had a thing for evo's though, they're cheap but they're hot!! If you ask me about my love life? It feels like its been ages since i've had a boyfriend, it's like i find myself so selfish and wrong in relationships, i needa improve myself. Understand the guys more instead of always trying to be right. I have to do that. If only i could take a day off and get the hell away from here, but as much as i want to i can't...i gotta commit to these things. I gotta make it before i get away from it. hmmm......now i dont think i want to venture into any relationships, i'm not in the mood, i know i'll fuck it up, i always do. So im not prepared to fuck up again, i wanna improve myself. I just dont see myself in a relationship for a bit...i need some space to think things through and to really sort out my life. I dont want any guys either, but who am i to say that right? I can't judge my future? wHO KNOWS all these plans might fail on me? Who knows i'll meet someone sweet, someone that shows he cares for me and i'll be stupid enuf to fall for it? I duno. But i dont wanna think of that now. I was just passing thru kristines blog and it says on her caption "i love being a kid". Dats right! I love being a kid too, i wanna be one right now...so that i can go around celebrating like there's no tomoro, so i can go around parading like i dont give a fuck, so i dont have to work, so i dont have to study, so i dont have problems and so that i can just be silly and not really care and give a damn about what ppl think...so i wont be judged, so they would just think of me as a kid that wants to have fun. Basically, so i can do everything and be satisfied instantly. It's cool. i'm jealous of kids, i wanna be them..i wanna take their place. I wanna cook, i wanna do so many things! Shit....it does happen. haha. My mind has so many things to say today huh...its mainly complaints about my life all over again, just like what i've written in hte other past entries when i met the same mood. its me..the bitchy me..all over again. You bloggers must be bored of this blogger huh...well i write to let it all out..i write to pass my time, i write to read back on how i felt and how stupid i was or how smart i was? haha no im not smart..can never be. Just wasn't born with the talent. haha. I just write cuz i feel like it, i mean its nice to look back on what you've written adn think to urself "wow shit like that did happen or wow..some great shit happend in ur life or wow...ur just pathetic" i just think about all that. i question alot, i'm inquisitive, im nosey..and i like myself this way instead of just lazing around and watching tv, at least i have found some entertainment of which involves my thoughts, needs, priorities, shittiness, stuff like that. Man i remember one time this kid told me "ur pathetic" shit man..like imagine how i felt..i felt like shit. haha. Then i decided to do more things and take interest in new hobbies. I duno that kid actually kinda saved me. I thank him..haha. I dont wanna go back to those days of a geek. I dont wanna be called a dork, i dont want ppl to diss me so badly and tell me i look like crap. That happend in 6th grade, clear memory lasts in me till now. Yeah those days, its actually funny when i think of it. Really is. Can't imagine im 19 now, what am i gonna do before i turn 20? I have to do so many things, achieve so many things, set new priorities and get em straightened! So i can breathe, so i can live, and so i wont feel so old...so i would feel as if i've done so many things at such a young age..thats the life i want. Ahh marriage? that word is so strong it scares me. I'm not afraid to get married, i'm just afraid what will happen during the marriage, will i be shitty? Most likely, it will be me committing the wrongs. Its always been me, just that i've always won and victory is not so great when you don't deserve it. I feel like ive written in like a million pages..i should put an end to this now. Good bye you folks out there that has bothered enough to read all this..i thank ala yall, sorry that my entries really dont kill ur boredom, its not meant for that. Mwah..i miss you my murti and my kristine and my gay jason.
i love