chef belly

Hey you,
i haven't been doing much lately, just been floating my boat, melting the candle, going with the flow. I've been letting nothing direct me. I have no direction these days, just lingering my thoughts and goals in another island while i mantain this bum bum ness. I'll be hardworking soon though, there are a couple of group projects that make my mind tick. And it's gonna get me itchy if no one has any sense of responsibility. I'm not saying i'm always the leader, i'm just saying that i can't stand it when people dont handle things and leave it in a clutter. I hate clutters, they are fuckin assholes. they ruin your life by blocking it with piles of shit. John and i have been hanging out quite a fair bit, we do laid back activities like board games, watching movies, analyzing each others comments and opinions. I think its healthy, it's great. Finally, the time has come, we are true to each other. These past few months have been odd, we were that insecure. But now, now im happy. I managed to shove myself through the hole instead of avoiding it like i always do. I do meaningful things now like take a drive, enjoy the nightlife outdoors instead of the nightlife i've experienced in clubs. I just drink hot tea and sit and talk. That's what i do. I love what i do.
There are many things i have yet to explore here. We're making plans, lots of em, we wanna go hiking, white water rafting, exploring stuff, and well we both just wanna be happy. A realization hit me a few days back, the realization of how uptight i used to be in relationships, how selfish and prideful i once was. Now when i think about myself and look at that pathetic image, i hate that part of me, the heartless side, perhaps i should be more of myself instead of protecting myself. It's like i seem to think that every guy i dates gonna get back at me, so hide in my stupid nutshell and just wait till the trouble no longer looks like trouble then i just get out and start more trouble i guess. Well i want to stop that, i want to manage this life, i want to understand my partner, i want to understand what it is like to have a beautiful relationship instead of giving up on it. I want to understand why i have to bear with the ugliness and be patient. I find that through the ugly, there's always another side you'll set foot in, that's the reality of things, the beauty of how relationships and people. It's unique, every person you're committed to changes you and vice versa. You do different thinks, get a taste of different types of humor and its just a big difference. At least you dont do the same darn things.
I'll be going to bali for two days soon, i dont know why i'm going, but mainly cuz of my mother and the bintangs. I want to get really tan and just worn out my skin, i'm sick of looking so pale and dead. I want some color. i want some fun.
Another thing i plan to do is cook. check out the recipes. Test my patience on the cook book more like it. I will try out something easier, then it'll be more complicated, then it will come to marinating bits and pieces. The type of cooking that requires more than a few knives and bowls here and there. The ones with impossible ingredients, herbs, and shit like that. Just those amazing shits. I watched Ratatouille, i swear to god, that movie rocked. Fucking inspired me to actually cook. haha..
anyways will get back to you another day, fingers are dying on me.
till then, when i complete the recipe.
mwah,.