Monday, June 04, 2007

rough morning, rough day.

Morning,morning. I had a pretty rough moment with John lastnight. I went to meet my friends over at cyber for dinner. And since John smashed his own car a few weeks back, i know how he feels. Basically, we're stuck together so i don't get enough space till i get to the office and he doesn't get enough space until he drops me at the office and picks me up. It's a hassle, it's stressful to live this way, but i'm hoping it will not be permanent. My life with John is splendid, it can be i know it. It's just that we are both not used to this messy lifestyle therefore our moods twist up and we take it out on each other. I just really wanted to spend more time with my friends, to just cope up with them. I just feel restricted, like i have a time limit, John doesn't get times he could be a little selfish and oblivious. I'm surprised i didn't end things,normally i would. But i have to let it go with the flow...i can't just jump off leaving the problem behind. I guess i've never given anybody the chance to explain themselves. I too am selfish. More selfish than my partner actually.
Be right back. Need an intensive drag session.
Intensive drag session taken. Now i have the smoke in me to write. The inspiration we humans get from nicotine. haha. Okay this months period is affecting me,making me yearn for morning, lunch, and dinner chocolate. Shito. I've been having these chocolate cravings since sunday god dammit. I went swimming two days back, man it was cool, the feeling of going through the midnight waves. It was the chill that made it fun, the type of breeze that makes you feel like you're really in the world and that it's not some studio background or some shit. Its that thrill of just jumping into water at an odd hour, when the pool lights are off and everything is just quiet and still until you interrupt it. It's beautiful really. I have to keep swimming. Then again, my red month has come, can't at the moment.
Murti's birthdays tomoro and I feel that i'm so fuckin irresponsible. I haven't gotten her a gift yet..somehow i have a feeling she will read this entry. It's one of those feelings. I haven't gotten her anything yet, but i know it will be some sort of modern vintage. Something that suits her skin, perhaps some flashes of gold and mundane green, hints of colors that look ugly when they are by themselves but when combined with other dull colors,they look magnificent. She needs those types, she fits those types and its a compliment. Cuz i really do like those kind of colors that are dull and boring alone but with the powers combined..dullness=the new in thing man.
I'm really not a fashion expert, i basically just put on whatever i have on. Seriously when it comes to clubbing, i seriously barely ever dress up. If i dress up, that means im really in the mood to just be sexy and have fun. But most of the just with my tanks and jeans and sandals. Kalo ngk bisa masuk, ya udah slip on the same heels i've been using for the last couple of months. But i do need to shop for heels, i do. Just haven't found the right type yet. I dont understand how don don can get so many man, she's the fashion expert. But her clothes fit her yknow, like no one else could fit Donna's clothing line. I follow that hobo lifestyle look except i'm just cleaner and more accessorized. I dont know i have my days when i feel like shining, but most of the time i'm drained down from internship..i think of comfort more than anything else. Comfort spells out a navy green sweater with a huge ass hood, washed out jeans, brown leather belt, and a simple BLACK u2 singlet inside..and brown flats...flats..flats..and of course my two favorite beaded bracelets,never forget them. Thats basically me everyday, everywhere, unless an occassion pops up. Sounds very unattractive. haha i am very unattractive. I just dont have the days of dressing up anymore. I dont like mixin and matching no more, i just wear what there is to wear in my boring closet. At times i see all these bright happy colors i'd love to dig myself into..but unfortunately i've abandoned them for an uglier set of clothes. Sometimes i just wanna wear all my necklaces that i've worn in the pass, but today..i no longer have the mood to wear anything on my neck. My shoes...god..i wish i could wear all of em at one go..but i just wear the same sandals, the same flats. What has happened to me? Even my own boyfriend thinks i'm too casual for certain outings. Like it was his big bachelor event so he figured i'd dress up like some princess, instead i came looking like an expensive maid. Yeah i was wearing a white singlet, jeans, and pumps. He thought i was underdressed. Now im actually beginning to feel that i have to sacrifice comfort to please him. I'm always with the attitude of not giving a shit of how i look infront of others..i mean i didn't think i looked thatbad..i was just not fit enough to match his decent suit. I dont know why i'm just fuckin lazy to go parading in my stilettos and fuckin fancy tops that are long, drawn, and shiny. I mean cmon man...all the girls out there that are willing to really dress like that, i salute them all the way. Ok i'll try to wear something more than casual..something that shows my tits...something that just looks shiny with all the little bits of sequins tossed across the shoulder line. I'll dress like a friggin celeb. haha..NOT. I guess i would consider showing up more "in" place.
Just had lunch with mr.john...i didn't really enjoy it because today we were both boring and very NOT loving. I dont know i needed a hug, he needed attention but i didn't give him any. C'mon give me a break man, i ain't feeling so well. Sometimes guys are just such attention seekers, sometimes they just get on your nerves. Later on, i feel like just sinking into bed and my cool dreams rather than look at his sulky sad spoilt face. It just puts me into a world of rage.
I'm not really having a nice day, feeling tired.

1 comment:

Janice said...

eh bel...heard that the going got tough for u & john eh? some couples just need an "incident" or two to open their eyes to what kind of person their partners could be! in this case, u've seen the sulkiness and're a smart gal. if the cons outweigh the pros, get the hell out!
anyhoo, chill ya! *hugs*