my lovely number

Okay my new number is not that beautiful but at least it's the easiest one to memorize among the rest. Well i hope this number brings me alotta luck for the year 2005. I"m currently in the warnet now,w aiting for my friends to arrive and i duno i love being alone, meaning being single at the moment. Murti, murti, murti, haha that slut, i'm sort of proud of her actually. :D Don't get all "apa sih?". Well i'm back in kl now, no more jakarta, the next destination will be bali. I hope i get black yo, don't wanna get my hopes too high up for that. Murti has a crush on someone, haha....somehow its funny to me! But like the big mouth i am, i'm gonna act the opposite of it now, i know when to keep secrets, i realized i was a blabber mouth, but at least i didn't bocor the truth about ahem yknow mur? please be proud of me. huwahuwa. Man i miss these guys, Abs+mur+tini, i love em to death and i feel like teasing people. I feel so empty without em. Sometimes when you go to college/uni you think you can find the right guy or the right friends, but that's not true for me, ihaven't found the right guy nor the right friends. My only perfect friends come from the old highschool days, the ones that have seen me change and hte ones that have influenced this change. i love em bitches.
Can't wait to see em.
Well i end this blog with one meaningful kiss, mwah!
when i gotta go, i just gotta go yo.

just chillin.....

GOod morning mr. blog
Today i have no idea about my plans, but i feel like chillin at home for the rest of the day before i berangkat ke soekarno hatta. hehe. Jase and i mite meet up at the airport and check in together, its better than checking in alone i say. ANyways lastnight we had a good talk, about life and friendship, such as our close friends adn waht we would do to protect em. And what he said about mur was really schweeet. Like he would bash anyone up who fucks around with her and he had this serious face put on so i figured wow..it's the first time jase is actually serious about something. He did give me some words of wisdom lastnight and i was damn surprised yo. But i forgot what he said. After taht whole discussion, he went back to being a horny bwastad, asking me all these quessies about sex and how he could turn girls on and shit like that, ihhh..and oh wait..he kept on saying "IM A GIVER, NOT A TAKER!" ...waduh. Oh i just wished someone could just go on and fuck him to keep him quiet. iish. I'd never fuck him, so i'll find someone to fuck him.
Fuck dude, i dont' wanna go today, but i have to mon.
well i'm off, that's the most i can leave you guys with, my day has just started dudes.
love, cheppi

home schweet home

yo blog,
sup man, i'm not really in the mood to chat now, just feel like writing to you. I'm in jkt now, been spending most of my time with dumbass jase. I miss my home, it's only been like 2 months ago since i was last here but still you do go thru those homesick days when ur away. Well i smoked up lastnight, the first time in a month plus and ahhh...it felt so good. Of course i got hungry after that, i hogged the packet of chips the whole night. And of course martabak was involved, it has always been the after-snack of the green green grass.
And fuck i lost my freakin handphone, thank god its the cheap nokia cuz if it was the samsung, my mum would definitely kill me. The thing that bugs me the most is my simcard, fuck man! This is the most important number i've had so far, awww..i think i'm gonna report to the celcom plc and get the same number again.
Anyways i went to red chamber a few days back and it was pretty fun, we ended up having this kissing party. Where we would just spread around and kiss everybody. I duno i used to think girls were better kissers than guys, but i think guys are definitely better. It was funny how the guys started kissing each other, it was kinda yucky..but after a while it would turn out quite sexy. Damn..but that was a good night to remember.
Shit i've been gaining weight! That's all i can do in jkt really, eat good food, good food at home and good food outside of home. I wanna lose at least 4 kg. Well...hmmm..i'll be watching a tennis match!
well peach out yo peach out..hehehe..peach..wtf.
write lataz..

reality actually exists...

I don't mean to be carrie bradshaw from sex and the city but after having watched the series, i did learn quite a few things from it. I can't believe i'm really living in reality, i mean can you? Sometimes ur so unsure whether you're still alive you try to cut urself and see whether blood really flows out of ur skin. Sometimes im not quite sure whether i'd wake up the next morning, so now i'll try not to think of it. Hmm...i'm lonely, yes i admit but i do enjoy the loneliness, but there are times when you do need friends to talk to and i think my house mates are pretty much the right people to do that with. They completely understand me, my love and sex life, well they live with me, i'm sure they know me well enough. I met my housemates friend just now, forgot her name but she seems quite depressed, her boyfriend of 4 years got her pregnant twice and yet didn't mind covering the expenses for her abortion, twice that is. How terrible is that? He abused her to, when you come to think of it, if you knew somebody that long, how could somebody so close to you hurt you that way? I guess this is why i don't really trust guys, i never did actually, i just tried to convince myself to understand em and that all guys aren't meant to be like that. My best friend mur thinks i'm scared of all this commitment and relationships because of my parents. I'm starting to think that that is partially the answer. My parents are separated, my father cheated on my mother, as simple as that. My father? Yes he's an asshole but i guess he can't change, he'll never change. He's a good father, but he will never be a good husband. My mother? She's happy with another man and i'm glad for her, really i am.
Oh god i miss 9th grade, i wish i could watch a video of everything that happened, all the moments we spent together, that was my favorite class of all.
I just drank some white wine, again! hehe..but it's finished now, the bottle's so beautiful i wanna plant something in it and place it in my balcony. it'll look so pretty. I love this apartment of mine, it's so cozy, doesn't feel like Malaysia, feels like somewhere else. One day i'd love to buy this whole unit, i'll earn the money for it, i don't mind at all. It'll kill for me to leave this place, it has everything, a balcony and a tinsee winsee bit of the lake view with lights produced by the putrajaya bridge. It's awesome.
I'm really regular when it comes to you blog, i guess ur nice to talk to whenever boredom swings by. I have class tomoro, shit at 10 am, these days its pretty tough for me to wake up that early, i've become a real vampire, hating the daylight and loving the darkness of the 12am to 4am sky. Those are my happy hours.
Yknow the sad thing about having friends is treasuring them so much till the extend of knowing them so well that you think they'd stay like this forever and seeing them change would be a big preparation for you not to look forward to. Cuz it's like you can't do the things you used to do with them. I'm hoping my best friends won't change so much, i guess a slight change won't hurt, but i don't want them to fully change into another human being, to another friend that i have to adapt to yknow. I guess the only best friend of mine that will always remain the same is Jason, he's just so fully committed to friendship and that is why i treasure him. Don't get me wrong, i treasure each and every one of my best friends, just that jason is jason, he'll just stay the same, even if he gets married (which i have big doubts on that completely)
I need to occupy my time rather than just staying at home, just that i haven't found the answer yet, i've been flipping thru dozens and dozens of magazines each week and i've found nothing, no sign, no answer. I hate this really. I wanna do something i enjoy doing and am good at, which is nothing i'm sure. I really don't think im good or confident in life, i guess i need to build up my confidence, which will take forever.
I think i'm odd, whenever i'm tired, i remember even more moments i've shared and spent in life, i don't appreciate life more, just that i recall most of it when i'm tired and moody. Just all these flashbacks start coming in and it seems quite clear.
well i'm tired now, gonna leave you for dreamland...
bellleeeeekk..

white white wine...(not red mur)

Dear Mr.Blog,
I've missed you, been wanting to write to you for a few days. Anyways yesterday i was suppose to join the zouk fest tapi the tickets were all fuckin sold out! That made me so uggh frustrated, so frustrated that in the end i didn't feel like queuing thru the thick crowd and just went straight to eat dinner. After dinner, we adjourned to this plc called CLoud 9, some posh club in the highlands, it was empty at first and boring of course, but after a few rounds of drinks, we were tipsified (my own word or is it a word?) and some strangers wanted to join our table. I guess it was the first time me and my buds actually had REAl fun, the really pure fun you get when you least expect it. In addition, one of the strangers, this cambodian guy named SOk Dally opened a bottle of jD for us, filthy rich 22 year old boy. Yknow the type of guy who's the only child and lacks attention from his parents? Yeah those kinds. Well this richy rich here suddenly turned out dead drunk and just started to fall asleep, that's just a real bad knock out man and plus we had no info whatsoever about him and it was pretty tough to focus cuz we were sorta fucked as well. So anyways we managed to find some info about him, i had to like slap his face and tell him to open his eyes, and there he said it 9390, so we figured its definitely the hotel above. So we seated him on a wheelchair and pushed him to the hotel lobby and called his daddy to come down to redeem him. Oh god..that poor dude, prolly went thru a rough lecture this morning mon.

its 6:34am, early isn't it?
Atlast another early day, the 2nd early day i've encountered this year and for some reason, it feels great. Jase smsd me telling me he's goin to indo this thurs, that bloody bastard, knew he couldn't visit me, that guy is so busy that he's so full of empty promises. If i were in a deep sleep and his sms budged in, i'll kill him bad as well as his singaporean slang, its awful, yknow the extra expressions such as "lah, ahh, aiya, wahh" or whatever shit rhymes with it. Its hilarious to hear, but after a while it'll totally destroy my ear drums, actually it could destroy my appetite, no joke.
I drank white wine a few hours ago and the taste is still lasting within my tastebuds. Tantalizing it is. I miss home, rumah manis rumah, hehe...that sounds awful doesn't it? wOW..i'm so happy people like abhi actually bother to read my blog, most probably cuz they are just plain bored. I guess whatever matters in this life of mine that i spill on the blog is completely unentertaining. :D I just played basketball today and it was schweeet, haven't worked out in such a fuckn long time. Yknow i went to the gym a few days back and i could barely touch the machines mon. Well there was one where you pull ur whole body up with ur arms and normally i would be doing 10 mins of that, but i only did like 3 minutes of it. Trus here comes the treadmill, i used to do 30-45 mins, now i can't even last long pass 15!? ahh..i feel so weak and useless. I need to tone up or else yknow what they say, fats come in the way. K fuck the whole fat issue! Im chatting with reena, she's in sydney and she's still the same funny, outgoing character. I wonder how that balinese pup is doing, the one we found in the water sports place, it's so damn adorable. Damn i misssss mur, tini,n abs now, wish i could have another round of our lame jokes and sour critiques of which we throw about and at people. Today, on behalf of my mothers sms, i shall not light a single stick. Seriously, i'll quit for a few days, get the fresh air regulating throughout my lungs, need to refresh myself. Oooh my tummies grumblin....but im not hungry just yet.
yknow what? i'm good to go, i'll try to rest or perhaps not rest so i can get easy sleep tonight.

is this how we live life to the fullest?

I can't imagine living life when you hurt a person real bad. It just makes me feel so guilty inside, i already have enough guilt and it sure looks like life is adding more of it into me. I duno how to put this into words, but im just saying, why do i have to be so shallow? Why do i have to find a flaw in a person before i even get to see the real them? I guess this is what's wrong with me, i look at the surface and i don't bother going beyond that. I'm a shallow bitch, this is why its so tough living my life. Somehow i hate myself for being this part of myself, why was i born with it? I dont think my mother ever brought me up to be this inconsiderate about other people's feelings. I'm not good when it comes to empathy. Right now i'm in my bedroom, just wondering why i'm like this, i feel abnormal. I mean i look around and i see normal people with steady relationships n a love life and when i focus on myself, all i see is an empty life with no heart. Or its either a heart filled with stones. I think i might be quite heartless kan? No wait that can't be cuz i feel bad for other people but i never really put myself into their situation, just that i'm as shallow as the shore. How did i inherit such selfishness and stubbornness? yeah yeah im just like this and if im not mistaken my sisters are pretty much following my footsteps, they'll carry the heavy guilt burden in no time.
Okay i'll quit being annoying and focus more on my plans for this week- weekend, hmm...my friends and i are planning to go to this Zouk rave held in genting highlands, sounds awesome, i got my gear lights ready and everything is just cool, but yknow the bloody curse, whenever we look forward to an event or get so excited and do the advanced planning, it will end up a living disaster.
I don't know what else to say.
im off to, yeah bed.

oh that "fly"

haha..i finally paid that dumbass jase a visit! haah it's so weird being in singapore with this dude, he got black yo, like fuckn black! hahah..its hilarious. Like i couldn't spot him and suddenly i turned around and this burnt nose baldy comes darting my way and it took me a few seconds to familiarize with him or should i say it,he looks like a creature. hehe..maaf jase. The whole time i was the one annoying him, like pinching him here and there and trying to mess up his bushy eyebrows, hahahahha..theyre so hairy. Torture torture.
Jb was fun, got to see my grandpa recovering in bed, my grandma blowing her birthday candles, just the right timing i guess. I've been having loads of beer these days, iihh i feel fuckin bloated. Uni is alright, i won't say it sux, cuz it actually doesn't. Oh god, i'm not sure if i want a relationship now, i'm so confused with who and whether i should accept em. LIfe is a big ass. I've been listening to buddha bar music, so soothing and relaxing, it's perfect for meditation. I dont' meditate daily, i just do it when i'm so frustrated and it works, sort of. I'm paying attention more to my needs these days, what would make me a better person. And i admit, i am a failure in my love life and i guess the regular, but i don't want to entirely improve myself, i just want to be slightly better, which means i have to really feel what others feel in order to know how hurt they are before blaming them for their actions. I'm listening to "my immortal" now, i forced myself to isolate it for a few months and then let my ears listen again, i appreciate it more. I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder, that's why i choose to miss someone so much and then really give em a nice meaningful hug after. But i guess it would be quite tough for me, sometimes i miss people so easily i just feel like huggin em and hanging with em forever. My manhunt is coming in an hour i guess, i already know the results but theyre nice to look at so yeah. Oh fuck i have moral studies besok, yuck....it finishes at 8pm, fuck it mon, so tiring.
haha let me tell you about my wine experience yesterday, it was a major disaster. My flight was around 9ish and i got heavily tipsy before that, so yeah i was practically scrolling around the airport like a walking zombie, i was scary. I don't know what type of white wine they served, but if im not mistaken it tasted like conoisseur..i duno how to spell it, i guess its like 20 percent above, so i was doomed, fuckd actually. It was funny cuz i started cursing so much in my head, i started criticizing my uncle and stuff, of course it wasn't that bad, not obvious, i don't want to exaggerate, but writing is writing, you tend to exaggerate a liil much more cuz you can't seem to find words to make it simple, and im telling you what i went thru lastnight was not simple. Well like i said i was fucked and as well as flying on the floor, that's how it felt..but the feeling was nice. I fell asleep in the plane and as soon as i woke up, myhead was pounding bad. No one bothered to help me cuz i looked so cranky. You know what? I think i'm a weaker person now, i mean i miss those good old days when i wouldn't fall for guys that easily, now when the convos are nice and everythings running smooth, i'll just totally have the crumbles for him. I hate having instant crushes, it's so distracting. haha. I don't know what im talking about. pardon me.
I haven't read a book for a long time, i've just been sticking to national geos and readers digest, i plan to read the "living history of hillary rodham clinton" again cuz the lastime i read it, i was in a stage of adaptation, haha...meaning i was trying to adapt to uni and shit like that, so i didn't really get Hillary's whole point there.
I miss ice-cream! I'm definitely gonna treat myself to some haagen dazz again, i want baileys irish cream. I wanna go to zouk bad, not on a thurs though, probs on a friday or saturday when trans is on, trans is better for me now, i like that hyperness. Hip hop is really old school for me now, but well sometimes it's fun to dance to.
Okay well blogg, i'm leaving you for manhunt...soz man.
gnite..sweet dreams.
i pray for one of my cartoon dreams...ahhh..it's heaven. :P