Monday, March 07, 2005

reality actually exists...

I don't mean to be carrie bradshaw from sex and the city but after having watched the series, i did learn quite a few things from it. I can't believe i'm really living in reality, i mean can you? Sometimes ur so unsure whether you're still alive you try to cut urself and see whether blood really flows out of ur skin. Sometimes im not quite sure whether i'd wake up the next morning, so now i'll try not to think of it. Hmm...i'm lonely, yes i admit but i do enjoy the loneliness, but there are times when you do need friends to talk to and i think my house mates are pretty much the right people to do that with. They completely understand me, my love and sex life, well they live with me, i'm sure they know me well enough. I met my housemates friend just now, forgot her name but she seems quite depressed, her boyfriend of 4 years got her pregnant twice and yet didn't mind covering the expenses for her abortion, twice that is. How terrible is that? He abused her to, when you come to think of it, if you knew somebody that long, how could somebody so close to you hurt you that way? I guess this is why i don't really trust guys, i never did actually, i just tried to convince myself to understand em and that all guys aren't meant to be like that. My best friend mur thinks i'm scared of all this commitment and relationships because of my parents. I'm starting to think that that is partially the answer. My parents are separated, my father cheated on my mother, as simple as that. My father? Yes he's an asshole but i guess he can't change, he'll never change. He's a good father, but he will never be a good husband. My mother? She's happy with another man and i'm glad for her, really i am.
Oh god i miss 9th grade, i wish i could watch a video of everything that happened, all the moments we spent together, that was my favorite class of all.
I just drank some white wine, again! hehe..but it's finished now, the bottle's so beautiful i wanna plant something in it and place it in my balcony. it'll look so pretty. I love this apartment of mine, it's so cozy, doesn't feel like Malaysia, feels like somewhere else. One day i'd love to buy this whole unit, i'll earn the money for it, i don't mind at all. It'll kill for me to leave this place, it has everything, a balcony and a tinsee winsee bit of the lake view with lights produced by the putrajaya bridge. It's awesome.
I'm really regular when it comes to you blog, i guess ur nice to talk to whenever boredom swings by. I have class tomoro, shit at 10 am, these days its pretty tough for me to wake up that early, i've become a real vampire, hating the daylight and loving the darkness of the 12am to 4am sky. Those are my happy hours.
Yknow the sad thing about having friends is treasuring them so much till the extend of knowing them so well that you think they'd stay like this forever and seeing them change would be a big preparation for you not to look forward to. Cuz it's like you can't do the things you used to do with them. I'm hoping my best friends won't change so much, i guess a slight change won't hurt, but i don't want them to fully change into another human being, to another friend that i have to adapt to yknow. I guess the only best friend of mine that will always remain the same is Jason, he's just so fully committed to friendship and that is why i treasure him. Don't get me wrong, i treasure each and every one of my best friends, just that jason is jason, he'll just stay the same, even if he gets married (which i have big doubts on that completely)
I need to occupy my time rather than just staying at home, just that i haven't found the answer yet, i've been flipping thru dozens and dozens of magazines each week and i've found nothing, no sign, no answer. I hate this really. I wanna do something i enjoy doing and am good at, which is nothing i'm sure. I really don't think im good or confident in life, i guess i need to build up my confidence, which will take forever.
I think i'm odd, whenever i'm tired, i remember even more moments i've shared and spent in life, i don't appreciate life more, just that i recall most of it when i'm tired and moody. Just all these flashbacks start coming in and it seems quite clear.
well i'm tired now, gonna leave you for dreamland...

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