as good as it gets

As good as it gets, i'm finally writing again. It wasn't too long wasn't it? Right now i'm researching for assignments, thought i could give my mind a break, i feel that it's already deep fried by now. I'm fried mentally. I cannot bear to think about what topic and what bodycopy and whatever shit for my ad. Plus copywriting assignment is just a few days away, a few days is not simple for a storyboard, but if there's one thing i'm good at, i'm good at procrastinating. I've been so lazy these days, i don't fckn get it. I don't. Lazy as in i'm real good at being a couch potato, i'm real good at it, serious. But my mind wants to do everything, my body doesn't react to it, it just lies down dead just like a couch. I am a couch or a bed, always there lazing around. But okay yesterday i woke up early, splashed a cold shower, finished off the evaluation bit, then chilled and etc. I'm not a coffee person, but recently ive been dying for starbucks cafe latte. i duno...i dont want to be addicted or anything. A lil bit of coffee for me is already effective enough to keep me awake throughout the entire day, but a few days ago, it did the complete opposite. I slept like a pig. Like honestly, i had a beautiful sleep, something of which i haven't had in dust years. Damn i want to be able to meet murti sooner or later this month, she's goin to bali (lombok) but i'm goin to bali, and i'm goin to j-town around the end of the month, ahhh i hope we enjoy together in bali mur, i hope we can meet up! Miss you kinkstressku. Um...what else do i have to say? I've been a good girl these days, just that i'm lazy. Man i haven't gone clubbin for such a long time, beer i haven't touched for quite a while, haha.....quite unbelievable isn't it...cuz i used to love beer so much, then i realized after a long ass time that it wasn't worth the gobble. I hate being drunk on beer, everyone knows what happens, i get so slutty, i can't even control myself, my mind gets possessed or something. haha. But seriously, i dont wanna act like that, it's not something to be proud of i would say. And the most i'll get is tipsy, but someone has to take care of me. :D i wanna be tipsy with my best friends. lets all enjoy one night of being tipsy, we'll talk about the funniest things, we'll tease each other, fck each other up, laugh at each other, whatever yknow. i just miss those days. i deserve that after my final exams. Once everythings done then i'll be the host of this best friend gathering. Hey its not gay, it's simply cool. Love you guys....will love you till the day i drop.
kisses to ur lovely cheeks

smile myself to sleep

The dark days kill. But now i'm not in pain, i'm not in the world of boredom. I just need some light. Let there be light during the night. The moon itself is not enough, i'm greedy, i want two more. It's so dark here, i'm at home, im stuck here, i can't go out cuz theyre all asleep. Ppl i call will be asleep. Im not bo red i repeat. im not bored. It feels strange now. Not knowing what to do at this hour, i say to myself, i should actually be bored, although i'm not.
I miss, yes my three best friends, all for different reasons, different moments between each. They are my fairies, they light me up, give me hope to see them during holidays or anytime they are free to take a day off, but most likely is me to take a day off for them. I'd do anything, go anywhere just to support these precious peeps. They are the one, for i love em so, and realized just a year ago. I want to marry all three of them so my loneliness and stress will be cured. It's better to marry all three of em at once than marry just one. Haha joshin.
work, going good so far, dont wanna jinx it, dont wanna jinx anyone in the business. Teamwork is all it takes to support me, i go to get fuckd up so that it would motivate me. They are tough on me, they tell me i dont produce shit or beautiful results, they tell me i'm a loser that has lost already and will never get back up, but i do. I get back up. I'm stronger. i'm bitchier. And i like it just the way life is, uncomfortable.
The daily dramas of fakes, are they really fake? i gv em some credit to make effort to act like somebody else when really they know best that they can't possibly pull it off. But they continue to be fake to twist our minds, to make us pay attention to em. Everyones done this, everyone has had their drama days, they just have to admit it quietly. No one will act out their bad habits on first dates. We should work on being ourselves on first dates. But it's a tough move there.
Im making up for lent, i haven't served my 40 days in years, i feel that i should grow up and suffer..so i'm givin up meat...turkey, chicken, beef, and pork..whatever it is that fulfills my tummy...i choose to sacrifice em for a month plus. I think its the right move.
Beer, no longer my favorite. yes i drink it at times, not more than 3 glasses, you believe me? Or you just wanna say bullshit? I think you'll go with bullshit. But i've given up beer a few months ago...now i guess i've thought so much about how disgusting it is that i no longer love it but get sick from it.
Margarita, defines life, i enjoy sipping every second of the lime and tequilla, it ain't strong. It's a mild drink and it's delicious. It goes well with my thoughts and aids my thoughts to even bigger ones. You wouldn't understand, it just helps.
Stressed out cuz i think too much about nothing. I just picture the worst scenarios that can ever take plc in life and try to invent ways of solvin it. Problem solvin. I kind of have fun, but those are unecessary thoughts to consider, i have enough to think about. And love is not in the list...hot guys or guys are not in the list. Now they do not exist for a bit. I dont want to be attracted to anyone right now. Though its way beyond my control, i just try to control thinkin that i will control.
There's this guy, he's in skul, i dont know him, we see each other, we notice each other. I dont have a crush on him, neither does he have one on me. But someday, i will know him..cuz he looks like he'd make a good friend, someone understanding enough for me. Someone perfect for me. But pride is keeping us away from each other, blocking a great friendship i feel. haha..i know it sounds weird..but i would really want to get to know him. I feel that he could be a best friend in KL. The fact that he's hot doesn't appeal to me, it's just him, his charisma, the way he just looks at me, i like it cuz he's straight forward yet mysterious. i can tell he's sincere. :D cieh... Since my three musketeers are scattered around the globe, i feel i need another musketeer here. :D But no those are just random thoughts, stickin to the control bit. :D
qUESTIONS:
The future, will i fail or be normal or succeed? Will i fall for an ass? will i trip infront of a cool crowd? Will i cry within this week? will i violate my promise? Will i drink beer or margarita? will i make more money? will i argue with my housemate? will i argue or fuck up my friends? will i do well for my presentation? will i see my friends again? will i ever devote my time for someone? will i be more responsible in future? will i get a dopod? will i disappoint myself or them? will i trust more ppl? will i behave properly infront of the p's? will i do a good job of influencing? will i be influenced? All these are just the usual thoughts that pass my mind all at one go. Seems confusing, but we normally have more. I only have a few sentences, normally i have essays of questions in my head to deliver in blogs. But i get stuck n unfortunately, questions are forgotten.
i would love to chill by the lakeside and sip white wine and laugh for nothing.
lets all smile ourselves to sleep. I'll go first.

the nightmare is not being able to sleep

I can't sleep. Fck. I can't sleepp. So i stayed back for a few days, just wanna kick back and relax, visit the office, do my job, get to know some people. Yes...tiesto is coming right back to me again, the lastime i went i stayed for just an hour cuz i was dead sick but now...haha....my sisters dragged me into going again..so i guess i'm gonna have to, kalau masih ada ticket. I'm hungry, i feel like mac and cheese...but nope i can't make that a daily supper habit, it's quite gross actually. I feel that there's so many things to say just that i've been saying the same thing in like nearly every entry. Boredom has come over me. It's all over me. It always comes back to me once i convince myself that it has gone away. It's annoying, i want to get rid of it. It makes me moody, bitchy, and gets me frustrated with the tiniest things. Yes, i'm bored and a lil mad and i can't sleep. How rough can life get huh? Damn i have to do a business memo for global ad and seriously i'm not in the mood. its 2:30am in the morning, i can't sleep n if possible i would like to sleep before 12 but now its impossible. Im used to sleeping early in the morning instead of early at night. Im just not an early person. Maybe its the ocean oil keeping me alert, keeping me so fresh at the wrong hour. But when i wake up in the morning, i'll feel like shit and look like shit and i'll just not want to do anything, i'll stay at home and procrastinate and eat. I hate that, im trying to change that. And i will, slowly. So besides typing here, i'm watching Grey's Anatomy. Its a pretty cool sitcom, keeps me entertained. I just watched transamerica just then, it was pretty touchin and the guy man....fuck he's so damn hot..shit...he's not my type but he's damn straight hot. Watch it, i swear. haha...anyways i spent my entire day at home and thats about it! Now i know what i have a collection of! Other people collect stamps, postcards, etcetera....i collect lighters. Yes yes...and most of the lighters i have are quite cool, they have tiny little flashlights in it. Yeah i collect lighters, how interesting. I need a buy a glass bowl or something and just pour the whole load of em in. they look so pretty. Sooner or later, i'll be giving em away? nah dunt think so, for they are my precious. Murti utami Purbo....i'm so sorry dude, i dont know the rest to the middle name, what was it again? udah lupa...not like i didn't bother to pay attention, i just didn't know, you never really mentioned it to me. Mines easy to memorize. trasilla. haha. So you and joe joe...your american with ocean blue eyes, i'm sure ur relationship gets sexier everyday thru the webcam huh? kan ngk ada any source of entertainment lagi. I duno mur the webcam is not my thing, it scares me and makes me feel fake. Haha mur remember last year when i told this guy online that my name was Cheppibel? haha fuck and what did he say? Men, they are full of it..yeah full of shit. How can they lie about such an ugly name, seriously. But for beautiful ppl like you, yes you can use em properly. :D haha. Kristine, where the hell are you man? i heard u ain't comin back for another year? thats darn long man...and why do i miss you? thats cuz ur the only one in our entire class that i've not seen in ageeeesss....ahh you better reply me butch. Now im blabbering way too much. i'm gonna go and hit my dreamland.
smooches and cuddles.
belek

embrace me, surround me, as the rush comes

I've been listening to deeeeep house music now...the ones that calm you down and make you relax. Something like telepop music. Makes me feel better, also another type of motivation for me. Anyways, i woke up early again, and now it's just 9:30am and i have no idea what to do. Should i go out and shop for groceries or should i just bum around at home and watch desperate housewives? what say you? I say i should go out, but where to? I'm all alone, there's no one to talk to, walking out alone anywhere would be awkward, unless i go to a bookstore and hv a hot chocolate. yes i should. :D oh god, i need my best friends, where are they when i need them? i feel like such a loner here at home, my mums at work and my sisters are schooling. So i guess i shouldn't wake up so early all the time huh? Just recently, i can't stand the fact of lazing around at home, i just gotta get out even if i didn't get enough sleep. But what am i still doin at home? Ahh nanti aja deh abis mandi then i'll ciao. Shit its my mid sem break now, sooner or later...exams will come in and thats when i'll start to get bitchy. I can't wait till bali, can't wait. i just wanna relax far faraway in seminyak or ubud or jimbaran, one of those cozy resorts and just relaxxx. I'm kind of sick of kuta kuta kuta, its too busy, not what i need at the momenttttt. Yes a vacation after i go through mid term and final exams. Ahhh...i just hate projects, they drive mmeeee crazzzzyyyyyy! But yeah in the end, i'm stupid enough to do it.
As for my love life, im not involved with anyone sama sekali. More like i dont want to, if possible i want to get over guys right now. Anyone i used to like, i wanna get over. I just get confused these days, i'm too tired to be in another relationship for now.....when i like someone now..i wanna like them seriously and i want to be able to be a good girlfriend. Cuz if i keep fuckin it up, i duno it just really sucks. Right now i dont know how to feel or what to feel, i just know its not the right time to settle, i just wanna be single right now. So i can enjoy nights with my gfs, so i can focus more on my life instead of having to argue and explain in order to be trusted. Relationships, ahhh...theyre a killer really. I watch all my friends cry infront of me cuz their bfs treat em like shit and i was thinking to myself, why the fuck are they still with their bfs? They're such asswipes, i mean seriously i would just dump em right away. And fuck i wouldn't cry for a guy unless its worth it, don't they fuckin get the word "pride"? I mean ya too much of it is not so good, but you gotta have a lil at least. Stupid girlfriends i have. I feel that we're fated to meet because shit..i'm always dealing with their probs til i forget about my own. Im taking my break away from all the babysitting. Anyways...i almost forgot, i have assignments to do, so im gonna go right about now.
Miss you love
cocktail belly :D

no desire to..

I dont really like beer anymore but yes sometimes i do get caught up in one of those moods where i just release all my stress by drinkin. But that was ages ago, felt like i haven't done it in a long time. I dont intend to either. So for the past few months i haven't been drinking more than 4 bottles of beer in clubs? And when i club now, i sit around, or stand around, doing nothing. There's nothing to do. haha. Lastnight i was forced by my little bitchy sister to go to BLISS for some international school thing...it was boring, there were a crowd of kids there. hmmph. But i met waynus, he was MC'ing for the night, so adorable and nice to hug cuz he's so empuk. :D Yeah well, i haven't been doin much, i just went to carita today to chill and eat some good seafood but it was raining so i couldn't tan or swim. So we got bored and just drove back home.
I haven't been having cool dreams lately, yknow those dreams that make you smile when you sleep even if you haven't seen yourself asleep smiling, but you just know it? Yeah those dreams are awesome, makes me feel better when i wake up. Lastnight i dreamt about a jungle or something so when i woke up, i looked up at the ceiling and there were all these plants growing on it. weird..the fact that i really woke up and it wasn't a dream, guess i brought my dream to life for a few seconds there before it slowly faded away into the darkness. i think it explains confusion, how i'm lost and i don't really know where i wanna be or where i'm at in life, that kinda thing. I'm not really good when it comes to analyzing my own dreams. I don't have a lot to write now, call me boring, but i'm exhausted and i need some good ass sleep so yeah i better get going.
goodnight.

beautiful mornin'

Hey blog,yeah long time no see, i haven't really been blogging that much cuz i've been busy with my life, just like everyone is with theirs. As far as work goes, im improving. Skulwork? Exams are comin in sooner or later. But i'm doing alright. At this point of time, i can say i'm tired, really i am. But no matter how tired, i ain't givin up. The first drag of the day is the best, dont you think? I know alot of smokers do. I cut down though by quite a lot. Lastnight was Don's bday party, she had how many flamings and forced me to drink a shot of tequilla with her. Tequilla, it used to be my thing, but after nearly a year of not shooting a single shot, i feel like it's a new drink all over again. And so i had one shot, didn't feel good and didn't taste good but it did warm me up since the place was so cold. Shit i dont/can't drink as much as i used to, i don't know whether it's sad or better for me? At times it could be both. Damn, i have plenty of assignments to do but you were the first one i woke up to and its been quite a while, so just write. I haven't really been hanging out with my mum cuz she's such a busy woman and she wakes up early all the time, so for the past two days i've been waking up at 7 am on purpose just so i can see her and say good morning. I guess the people that matter most to you only matter to you when you're faraway to bother to matter. Yeah yeah. It's a beautiful mornin man....i had a healthy healthy breakfast. xD i wanna go wakeboarding! I dont care if i'll fall flat on my face again, haha, that hurt like a bitch but shit it was pure fun! I wanna take my sisters there.
ok see you. lets enjoy the day shall we.
mwah.

fun is dying. Work is multiplying.

Dear blog,
i've been really busy with school work and work. And i can't stand people who won't stop leaving people that don't give a shit about them alone. It's truly annoying, don't they feel it? I mean imagine someone who blogs but cares about other people's blogs...and cares about how boring it is. Blogs are meant to be boring anyway....when we're bored, we write boring things. It depends on us. So i've been working part time..and it's going great so far..just that maybe i'm slowing down a bit due to school. I have tons of assignments and i have alot of poetry going on and i'm not quite the emotional kind of person that would jot down all her deep thoughts into that empty paper. that's not me. I try and i might share it with you but maybe a bit later. It feels wrong to show it. haha. So this semester i've been really busy that one of my friends asked me to stop and smell the roses. I am doing so today...i'm relaxing, chilling....thinking. I have to stop thinking about what would happen to me. Thinking is negative, it ruins you..makes you incapable, weakens you. Ok ok. So i'm gonna go play monopoly later and try to beat that bitch, joyce cuz she's been winning since forever. Anyways i wish i went back to club med, it was beautiful..the guys were yummy, the beach was windy and it felt so good tanning, the people were so friendly, you don't get that everywhere. At first it felt kind of odd cuz it didn't feel like any country, felt like heaven. like another world. Relationships? Nah i'm not settling for that anytime soon..just not now...not yet. I'm too lazy to fuck it up and i'm too lazy to fix it up...and most of all i'm too lazy to be someones girlfriend. It's tiring. But yeah life's been tiring for me...but all that tiredness will soon subside when the fire starts rolling in. Just not for today, today i need no fire..i need to relax and go plunge in the pool or something...I need to eat fruits and be healthy. Smoking? I've cut down already...it's amazing....i dont even feel like smoking that much anymore. It's good. Clubbing? not much at all. :D I just dont feel like shaking my booty on the dancefloor with gfs anymore..i dont feel like drinking so much and getting drunk anymore..i just want to chill at a lounge and sip on wine or just have a proper glass of beer. I think i'm slowing down, the energy and fun has died down. I dunt even know if its a good thing or not...but for once in my life it feels right. I'm not saying i won't do these things again..i might..but i dont have the urge to. get it? Aw..i miss my triple shits...the three people who cheer me up...they dont even have to cheer me up, they just have to call me names and i'll start laughing. I'm easy. Sometimes i feel like i do need a guy to cheer me up or be by my side....i guess i feel insecure sometimes, no matter how tough i try to act..im not tough, i'm damn weak. I guess i have a habit of hiding things...i never express enough..but so far i'm slowly letting it go. Slowly having some faith in others..slowly trusting them. Anyways i gotta go right now....gotta live the life, gotta monopolize monopoly.

my pwecious!

Life's aite. Ive been stressed out, actually i say that all the time. Im sick of people that just want to act smart, such as story me..but lets leave whoever he or she is...he doesn't exist. I've been juggling work and studies and so far its been juggled properly, i just have to wait till they both get tangled and i cant cope up wtih both. There's no such thing as being perfect in both fields. So i hve to choose one. hmm...depends tho. I need my highschool friends to be around me, i've been feeling quite down these days, not knowing what to do, thinking about my own future, thinking whether i could ever trust someone again, thinking about my best friends, thinking about everyone that matters to me. Clubbing? You'd be surprised..i cut down shit loads. The only time i went clubbin was a few days ago cuz of my friends bday, but other than that, not even in my mind. Oh ya happy birthday jason! U da bomb! haha...okay i better leave now. I want murti..i want jason..i want kristine. I want them all....to be here...i want them here..right now! It sucks to suffer yknow. I hate my life..haha okay i wouldn't say that...i dont hate my life..but i wish the precious moments were frozen so i could just go back to it...play it in my head or see it with my own eyes over and over again. And why am i being so dramatic? Enough! haha...i dont wanna copy murti after the greens...mbak tuh sangat sok dramatis tau ngk... Yois. haha..yknow what happend just now..some guy in skew came up to me and he knew my name...and asked for me digits..and i didn't even recognize him mann...so he was trying to explain how he knew me...and how we used to be friends..i was like what?! Hell no! dude, that was the scariest shit eva...who does that? its sad. Its either im forgetful n he really knows me? or its either he's forgetful and has mistaken me for somebody else. perhaps perhaps. Okay people....blog.....story me...i wont ignore you..but i will say bye to ala y'all. Bye!? :D

Story me---ur such a smart ass.

Whoever you are story me, why dont you just fuck off? Im telling you in a nice way. Childish of me to delete ur comment...yes..maybe but i dont even know you and ur not even a friend of mine so why do you care to read my blog? Ify ou have problems wtih me well then just leave me alone. I dont even know you. And yes i act liek a kid, i admit it..wats so bad about it? You act like a kid too..bothering about your comments being deleted is such a small thing. Ur seriously disturbed. Seriously. So you can fuck off my page and discontinue to read my blogs..if its so boring or if its too childish for you. So wahtever i do or say...or write in this blog..is about my life..even my best friends dont give a fuck like you do. So go give a fuck on ur own blog. tata.

a kid?

Anyways, im at the airport now, decided to waste my time online and writing to you instead of just smoking the boredom away. Well i've been reading this book entitled "Jakarta Undercover", im halfway now but i have the right to say that it rocks! You guys should read it...fellow jakartans...read it! It's a must! All the stuff you wanna know about the underground nightlife and expensive call girls and even to sashimi sex. Imagine all that in Jkt..all hidden from us and i'm 19 now and i've never actually understood the real nightlife until i read this book. I'm trying not to be too much of a bitch, i've been bitching at mum cuz she's been annoying and she treats me like a kid, of which i am actually, but still, teenagers hate to be treated this way, makes them feel so useless. So i got pissd and now that she left me alone and dropd me off, i feel like i miss her and i regret bitchin at her. I dont wanna leave jakarta, but i guess ihave to...i've been chillin with my sisters everyday, i'm going to miss them. i think the more you see em, you'll miss em more when ur away cuz you're living, eating, joking around with them 24/7..its tough to just let go and fly away. I'm not used to missin people around me but most of my friends are overseas and i'm hte one always comin back to jkt when i miss it. I just can't stand not comin back sometimes. When friends in KL dont give me the friendship i need..i go back...when i just can't stand the people around and theres too many problems to stress about...i end up goin to a travel agent to book the first flight back home. That was months ago though, i have to leave..i have to study and i have to work and all that takes place in KL. I dont know where i'll live in the future..i dont wanna be faraway from home dats fo sho..but i also wanna be faraway from home...i wanna get out of here and go someplace else. I know i'll always come back, no doubt about that. Okay i guess i gotsta be goin now dude... i have to board soon.
mwah

goodmorning sunshine! :D

Ahh what a day, what a day, what a beautiful day. Cieh sok dramatis gini kan mur? i better stop. Nah well i have no plans for today, it's a blank day, but i have a feeling that it'll be a good day, and i have a feeling that i won't get bitchy today. haha. Anyways i really dont know what to do here in jkt, i went clubbing lastnight, it was ok, drank a shiz load of beer but i got sick of it. Then klaudia got drunk and started pukin so we had to go home, she was with her soon-to-be boy. haha......anyways he helped alot, i hope she sees that in him. I talked to him personally this morning for like 3 hours, telling me about his life story and experiences through relationships and what his problems are. Just doing my job as a big sis, he's much older than Klauds man. hmm..no choice, but so far he's a nice guy. I won't judge before not knowing much of him. Yea anywhos....i wanna have a decent day today, got some shit to do for work and then i want good dinner.
gbye

why does shit happen? its so annoying.

Tell me the truth, why does shit happen? One minute you feel like ur completely happy, then when something happens in between that happy moment, something else can bring u down. I hate moments, cuz they don't last forever. If only they could. If they lasted forever, it would be great for now. Not like i want everything perfect in life, i just want to be happy. Just that these past few weeks i haven't been, i've been stressing myself out, even after a massage, i still stressed my ownself out. It's like nothing works. beer doesn't even work and it's starting to disgust me. And i just drank some. To hell with beer...i hate it and love it. We have a love-hate relationship. And in the end i drink some of it while i hate the shit out of it. Hmm...im weird..i know. People have informed me about that. I don't care. At least im not trying to be fake. Ahh fuck i'm so frustrated...i smoked two packs of cigs. I'm so annoyed..i feel so ugggh. yeah. My dreams and desires? hmm..right now i would like an x5, nope not tell my daddy to buy it for me, buy it with my own money, the money i earn. Its a different feeling and i can't wait for it. I think tis the perfect car for me to drive around, it's big, spacious, and it's elegant. My type. Another choice would be the 6 series. I've always had a thing for evo's though, they're cheap but they're hot!! If you ask me about my love life? It feels like its been ages since i've had a boyfriend, it's like i find myself so selfish and wrong in relationships, i needa improve myself. Understand the guys more instead of always trying to be right. I have to do that. If only i could take a day off and get the hell away from here, but as much as i want to i can't...i gotta commit to these things. I gotta make it before i get away from it. hmmm......now i dont think i want to venture into any relationships, i'm not in the mood, i know i'll fuck it up, i always do. So im not prepared to fuck up again, i wanna improve myself. I just dont see myself in a relationship for a bit...i need some space to think things through and to really sort out my life. I dont want any guys either, but who am i to say that right? I can't judge my future? wHO KNOWS all these plans might fail on me? Who knows i'll meet someone sweet, someone that shows he cares for me and i'll be stupid enuf to fall for it? I duno. But i dont wanna think of that now. I was just passing thru kristines blog and it says on her caption "i love being a kid". Dats right! I love being a kid too, i wanna be one right now...so that i can go around celebrating like there's no tomoro, so i can go around parading like i dont give a fuck, so i dont have to work, so i dont have to study, so i dont have problems and so that i can just be silly and not really care and give a damn about what ppl think...so i wont be judged, so they would just think of me as a kid that wants to have fun. Basically, so i can do everything and be satisfied instantly. It's cool. i'm jealous of kids, i wanna be them..i wanna take their place. I wanna cook, i wanna do so many things! Shit....it does happen. haha. My mind has so many things to say today huh...its mainly complaints about my life all over again, just like what i've written in hte other past entries when i met the same mood. its me..the bitchy me..all over again. You bloggers must be bored of this blogger huh...well i write to let it all out..i write to pass my time, i write to read back on how i felt and how stupid i was or how smart i was? haha no im not smart..can never be. Just wasn't born with the talent. haha. I just write cuz i feel like it, i mean its nice to look back on what you've written adn think to urself "wow shit like that did happen or wow..some great shit happend in ur life or wow...ur just pathetic" i just think about all that. i question alot, i'm inquisitive, im nosey..and i like myself this way instead of just lazing around and watching tv, at least i have found some entertainment of which involves my thoughts, needs, priorities, shittiness, stuff like that. Man i remember one time this kid told me "ur pathetic" shit man..like imagine how i felt..i felt like shit. haha. Then i decided to do more things and take interest in new hobbies. I duno that kid actually kinda saved me. I thank him..haha. I dont wanna go back to those days of a geek. I dont wanna be called a dork, i dont want ppl to diss me so badly and tell me i look like crap. That happend in 6th grade, clear memory lasts in me till now. Yeah those days, its actually funny when i think of it. Really is. Can't imagine im 19 now, what am i gonna do before i turn 20? I have to do so many things, achieve so many things, set new priorities and get em straightened! So i can breathe, so i can live, and so i wont feel so old...so i would feel as if i've done so many things at such a young age..thats the life i want. Ahh marriage? that word is so strong it scares me. I'm not afraid to get married, i'm just afraid what will happen during the marriage, will i be shitty? Most likely, it will be me committing the wrongs. Its always been me, just that i've always won and victory is not so great when you don't deserve it. I feel like ive written in like a million pages..i should put an end to this now. Good bye you folks out there that has bothered enough to read all this..i thank ala yall, sorry that my entries really dont kill ur boredom, its not meant for that. Mwah..i miss you my murti and my kristine and my gay jason.
i love

wishes, wishes 06, how i wish.

* i wish life wasn't a game and that it would just be direct with us.

*i wish there weren't so many assholes in this world.

*i wish there was somebody out there that could understand me more than i understand me.

*I wish i could drink coffee the way i drink tea

*I wish i could drink everything else the way i drink my beer.

*I wish love would be like and like would be love.

*I wish i could visit all my friends in just one day.

*I wish i could trust guys more, understand em more.

*i wish that i don't get easily agitated

*i wish that the sky was the ground and the ground was the sky

*i wish my relationships would last longer

*i wish i would stay really focused on me job and school work.

*i wish what i wish

*i wish i didn't have to think

das all folks. love off.

how it went.

Normal girl lives her normal life i guess. My birthday was alright, went to poppys garden, celebrated with Jude since his bday was on the 16th, so yeah it rocked pretty much. And yeah i drank alotta beer and das about it. Just beer beer beer all the way, doesn't it get borin? No i've been drinkin so much beer that sooner or later it will become my skyjuice. Soon it will be a beverage i wake up to every morning. That's gross but nah i can control that bit. Im no alcoholic. Im goin back to JKT again, i'm drained today, i feel gross and tired. The worst feeling ever. I joined a dance competition lastnight and it was so funny. Nope i didn't win, haha this fat chick won, i guess it was her birthday so she deserved it and they judge by the crowds applause. It ws fun. I hate SKOL beer, hate it! 3rd best in the world my ass, i wouldn't put it third best. issh. Life? Has been pretty hectic for me, i have to work and i missed out when i went home for nearly a month, and school's starting which is gonna be fuckin tiring for me. I'm up for it, up for the challenge to balance both my work and school work. I want to be good at both, nothing's gonna distract me. haha. So this time when i go back to jkt, i'm gonna work my ass off. i'm gonna work! I just hate how home sweet home really means home sweet home, i mean i can't treat it like a freakin office. And so i end up eating, sleeping, watching tv, all the characteristics of a couch potatoe, its all in me. I'm a fat LAZY potatoe. I have to stop all this. I've been good so far, i cut down on cigs! haha im goin gfor like 10 a day first. I hate how ppl can just quit like that, makes me feel like the ultimate loser. Like i'm so weak and i don't have any willpower planted in me. I need to stop. The word stop is not tough enough, i need something tougher than that for motivation. Im gonna eat a fruit salad, delifrance is like 10 meters away, time for me to get healthy and stop smoking. haha. Aw shit.
anyways bloggy, i gotta go now. will update soon.

beer drinka

Haha its been a long time since i've taken valium until donna distributed it to people the other day. so this is what i wrote when i came home a lil high on v and beer. it's so stupid but i dont mind postin it.
A few days ago i wrote:
"Great valium gobbled down with golden sizzling beer. I'm feeling the val, it's slowing me down, slowing me down good. I'm feeling it more as i lie down on my cozy bed. I'm cozy as fuck, its beautiful, and for the very first time in jakarta this hol, i feel relaxed and happy. But i keep all the happiness to myself as i am selfish to share it or show it off to the others. my body no longer aches it just wants to go home to bed and tuck itself under a warm cotton blanket. That's what it wants. My mind, on the other hand has a humongous urge to feast on a borobudur buffet, wanting all the sashimi there is on the platter, wanting it bad. Vision is blurry, mind is filled with vague thoughts to attend to. I am going off now, need to shut down my system, need to freshen it up for later. Goodnite and please i beg you, give me the dream i want, a hopeless aspiration that i'll try to make possible. I'll make it work. A good day, a goodnight."
For some reason it doesn't sound like me huh..but i'm stuck here in jkt..without a journal to write on, so i'm writing in my highschool homework book, it's some old school shit i had stashed underneath a buncha books. Haha i've been bored as fuck here not knowing what to do. Friends are all busy with other friends and me? i have no other friends to get busy with. I'm the perfect loner. haha ngk begitu parah tapi emang bener kok. I love jakarta to shits but without the crowd, there's no fun, even if ur in a fancy place. You have no fun friends to chillax and enjoy the place with you. Shit i really wanna go to a bookstore..i needa get books but its either i end up shopping or eating then i'll be too lazy by then. i wanna read memoirs of a geisha and i wanna read it before i watch it. But i guess that's impossible huh. I just wanna drive alone today..wanna do everything alone, so people won't like drift me off someplace else and ruin my so-called plans. i wanna do so many things, i wanna read, i wanna cook, i wanna shop, i wanna write, i wanna watch, i wanna eat, i wanna chill. I wanna drink. haha shit i have to stop drinking beer man..i always drink beer..the golden tequilla shots are over...once i sniff the shot glass of tequilla..i immediately get turned off..i get disgusted and i just can't even sip it. it tastes awful. I dont know why i used to love shootin it. So now i'm a beer person obviously, i've been drinking beer nearly everyday, its pathetic. I feel like such a fat asshole. Yknow those disgusting old men that get drunk in the afternoons? Ahh...its gross really. Wow i'm pretty talkative today...i have a talkative mind right now. it has so much to say. But i better give it some rest. anyways....i'ma bounce now. gonna watch tv. Fuck im an official couch potatoe. Seriously when i come home, there's always food served on the table, so here i am just snacking a lil..then eating a whole meal. Ahh...dont give a shit..if im fated to get fat..then im fated to get fat. Can't fight it or can i? haha shit i'll stop. bye..im hungry..gonna steal the food away from my skinny sisters. ahh no wonder they're skinny....i always seem to grab most of the food. cuuuuuu
mwah mwah

sooon i will be old.,

Okay well my cousins wedding was funny. My dad and all my uncles got drunk, cousins too. It was a nice gathering, haven't had that family type of feeling in a while. I was freezing like a bitch due to the damn ac but yet after a few toasts of red wine here and there...the warmth came kickin in. I'm actually happy today...i dont know why...everything was perfect...it was a good day..a sunny day. I went to church today and i helped out as the receptionist...collecting all the red packets filled with jewelry and all the dough from the guests. I was a guest to..i donated some money for my cousin. haha..damn the bride was just beautiful...she spilled wine on her white gown but still..she rocked in it. She rocked today! I met all the cousins i missed..i met all my nieces and they're just gettin prettier...they're gona be hot when they grow up. its guaranteed. I was at church today..normally i wouldn't wanna go but today i enjoyed it...i love how there's a long flight of stairs as u go up...and i love how the breeze just helps you push urself up the stairs..it happened to me...haha. I know it sounds a lil weird or lame..but i am lame and i'm telling the truth, the wind actually led me to that direction. It's nice meeting family and everything.....it really is..ive almost forgotten how it feels to have a complete family. i was busy entertaining my relatives and having fun when suddenly out of the blue this guy approached me and just gave me a rose..so movie like huh? But it was so sweet tho..no ones ever done that to me. haha. And i dont even know who he is..prolly not related to me anyway. Little things such as this..can just lighten up my day. Ahh i miss my friends...i miss murti and kristine and jason..where the hell are they..why aren't they here with me now..why!!! ahhh i better stop nagging or else i'll turn old. I am turning 19 tho...wonder what life has prepared for me. I hope for a cool ride this year....cuz soon i'll be 20. I want to enjoy my last year of being a teenager. I dont want to always get pissed and bitchy at ppl..i wanna be nice and friendly :D
okay times up...i gotta go to sleep..a long day for me tomoro.
mwahhhh...

january 1st

Happy new years day! I celebrated this so called event in Arty's apartement in Kemang. It was pretty fun, after that we went to have some dimsum. Anyways i broke up with sebastian, things didn't really work out well between us. i guess i just felt that we didn't click that much. There are just some ppl you can click with and sometimes with others you don't. Man i've been drinking beer everyday, the bintang beer in my fridge that was stockd up is now GONE actually. my sisters aren't here with me but its aight, they're growing up, they got their own friends.
anyways gnite, i'm getn bitten by mosquitoes. This is a new year...i will definitely set my own new year resolutions!
GNITE. me tired.

jakarto0

yes, i've met all my friends. But for some reason christmas this year didn't feel so christmassy. I get bored every single day the second i wake up from bed. It's boring, boring, boring. Like there's no spice to life here...all my friends are here, but they're all spending time with their families and they're much toooooo busy to chill and drink with me. I'm just bored i guess. I dont know whats up this hol. I feel like leaving early cuz there are no new cooool ass plces to go....its like everyones just gone. Old times have changed in just a matter of a few months. Ahh...but its aite for me though, i try to keep up with the boredom, try to freshen up and enjoy my day. But it just seems so dull, every place is slowly changing, the people are changing, and life here has already changed for me. And this year i wont be going to bali cuz well no ones going...yep yep...none of my friends are going and um....i dont see a point to go. As much as i wanna enjoy tanning and shit like that....i can't possibly be doing all that alone, i need the fun crowd. Well today was aight though, wasn't that boring...i went to kemang to chill trus went back home and smoked up with mur and abs...we got a lil high, mur started laughing at unfunny stuff which came out as funny to me so i joined in with her tsunami laughter. Duno what the fuck im talking about but yeah..thats how i'll explain it to you for now. im so irresponsible this year with xmas gifts..ahh i didn't even make cards..i didn't even bother to. And murs already in the process of making my card...she shows much more effort than i do. I have to make cards, please give me the motivation, someone! I'm so confused with what i want in life.....i just hate it that i can't express myself properly, i always leave ppl hanging when i talk about my personal problems. I keep it all in. Im immuned to all these secrets cuz well i keep it in for so long that sometimes they're buried real deep in me and i kinda forget about it. Anyways im off..real tired and today i'm goin shopppiiing for the peeps i forgot to shop for. haha...gnite.
mwah mwah

Its a nice wednesday.

Dear you blogster,
ahh life seems alright these days, it really has. I've been sleeping at least at 4am..but thats aight compared to sleeping only in the afternoon. Well recently i've been meeting this guy, i met him at ghetto heaven, he's a really nice guy and his name's Sebastian. I dunt know why i'm attracted to him but i guess there's this charm about him das hard to resist. Yeah so i met him about 2 weeks ago and now we're in a relationship. I dont know how long it will last...but whatever it is...at least it's not long distance. Cuz no matter how much i like the person, my long distance relationships seem to fuck up. Yeah seems like LD relationships weren't meant for a gal like me. Not like i'm a player, i don't play and i have never cheated on any one of my x boyfriends. Yes they've cheated on me, but who cares, it's their fault or maybe mine for being an awful girlfriend? I'm not surprised anyway, i feel that i treat guys like shit...i try to improve myself..but it just doesn't work out. Either the guys are much too annoying or i'm just easily annoyed. Nevermind that shit anyway. I haven't been doing much recently, just been chillin and stuff with friends and a few days ago when murti was here, i took the initiative of taking her around KL despite of my work. Yeah i dont think i was a really good host there, feel bad, needa make it up to her when i go back to Jakarta. I bought her a cool gift anyways. :D haha. well its cool to me...so i duno if she'll think its cool. haha...i duno whats wrong with me, bodys been aching like a bitch man...and i had a really nice professional massage lastnite from sebas..felt good and now this back problems actually recoverin :D. Okay well toodles...gotta go shower. mwahhhhhzzz...

exhaustion x(

Ahhh my backs aching and my legs are aching...shit i was stuffed in the car for like 4 straight hours and damn didn't feel good. Didn't go to penang, didn't tan the shit outta maself. I just went to JB, back to me hometown, felt goooood..i had funnn...even if it was just a one night stay..i shopd shiz loads.
Oh yeah these past few days have beeen fun...damn i lost to this guy in pool lastnight, i was fuckn tipsy and i couldn't hit anythang in. I lost infront of a big ass crowd. damn i better be sober nextime. Keep telling myself that. Anyways...damn im aching everywhere, not good not good. ahh im gonna ciao now and get some rest..feeln tired and just recovered from a bad hangover.
till then...mwah