Saturday, February 02, 2008

im up for it.

Drinkin' tea by tea. Yes i am.
It's been three nights down and i've been going to the mamaks to cure the boredom. Anything to do with "out" of johns..i'm up for it. It's not the apartment that im suffering with. At times it's him. Arguments are more or less caused by my stupid idiotic mouth and temper temper. But oh well, if i don't get out, its never going to end.
I wouldn't say i'm happy in this relationship. I'd say there are many lovey dovey moments but the missing bit is still waiting to be filled. The missing bit is understanding. I get it now. A realization hit me when i went all psycho on him just now. I was pouring out my temper and frustration over a small little thing. Therefore i apologized, although i know the same action might just repeat in a few days to come.
I have no control over my emotions. It's either i'm totally crazy or cold. It's just one of those, there is no middle line. The word neutral just doesnt work for me.
Im missing my real friends now. I've lost touch with the real me a few months ago. It feels like i'm lost and confused now, trying to mature into a different person, trying to alter and adapt to a relationship that is different from the rest. But what happens if i lose touch of all the happiness and fun? There is no room for adventure these days. I've just been moving in and sooner or later i will fill in a blank seat doing paperwork. I know its not what i want to do. I guess for the mother, you have no choice but to huh.
That month in Jakarta was different. It was cool. It's amazing how all my friends have matured. It's amazing how everyones in this powerful relationship except for me. I'm in a relationship that's still working out. It's in neither sides of the bad or good, it's not even in the middle. This relationship could kill ur time, give you eyebags and a lot of stress. It could cause insomnia too. I guess that's why im still awake at this hour dealing with it.
I don't know who i will spend my lifetime with..but currently i've been thinking about it. I know i shouldn't. But can't help it. I keep thinking about the day i walk down that aisle plus with who? Is it the man i'm now with or will there be another? Yes, there are many beautiful moments to cherish. Good memories always stay the way they are. But the relationship will never ever end up the way it once started. They say you should always treat ur partner the way you guys first started out. I say its impossible. When two people meet, their goal is to get to know each other. But once they know each other and are so sick of seeing each others bad habits and such, how the hell are they suppose to act like they dont know each other and give the respect? It's a toughy. I could never do that. Fuck my English has gone really horrible and vague. Even when i try to pronounce a word..i end up tongue tied. Even as i type this, my brains tangled.
I can't wait till my graduation day comes. My family, my best friend, the ones that mean the world to me will be there. It will feel like home. I just know it.

The guy for me would be one that pampers me even when i'm bitchy. Even when i'm screaming my lungs out and it gets scary. Some guys can't tolerate that shit. They get all scared and they think im psycho.
It is psychotic to yell and scream...but sometimes it feels so good letting out everything. The one guy that could handle it and still see the good in me will be the guy i'll be with forever. Becuz that's all i need. I need constant attention, i know i'm selfish and stubborn. But i do need the love, the hugs, the kisses. I need someone bold and strong and confident, so that he could pass me some of it. The thing is, you never know who you're dating, even if you've been dating a person for years, you still dont see certain things that outsiders see.

I dont know why i haven't been in the smiley mood these days. I've just been pmsing. I've been so bitchy to myself and to him recently. It's not so healthy. It creates a lot of tension in the bedroom. It hurts to fight daily. But i really dont know how to stop it sometimes.

I just had a meaningful death stick. hehe. And suddenly this drunk walks pass me. Its joe of course. It's funny how he could go clubbin and wake up for work. amazing actually.

It's time to sleep. I feel like taking a jog around the complex.

gnite kiss. mwah.

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