the L WORD.

Im in the cubicle again. I was absent twice this week due to severe migraines and a weak stomach. I have no idea what its called when you combine those two problems. I don't know how it started..i just remember stressing myself out about everything. Just recently, i've picked up a new series for my eyes to scroll on. It's the 'L'word..at first it was all about lesbians fucking. But now its getting pretty intense, its basically about how lesbians live in this world. The scene takes place in LA and a few friends, bisexuals and gays, who have slept and experimented with each other. Its just amazing how they have great sex with the same sex.
Not that i'm interested to venture into this whole lesbian thing. I just think that they are sweet and take things more seriously. In a way, i respect them.
I know for a fact that i'm completely straight, i'm just into guys. They satisfy me. I dont know how to seek affection and pleasure from the same sex. It wouldn't make me feel secure and guarded.
Different people have different mindsets, most lesbos i see running around here are obvious, i mean one will always be the butch and the other will tag along like a bitch. So yeah that sums it up. But there are pairs that are both beautiful and hot...you can't tell their fuckin each other. You think they are in a relationship with hot men or something,but no they've actually had enough of them.
Gawd..i miss my mother, i miss her cookin' and her lovin. I feel like going home but there's something stopping me..well besides the internship, i sense there's something greater that's telling me not to go. I just dont wanna go anymore, i feel like being at home, but i dont feel like going to Jakarta. I just want my home. Thats all. I miss my sisters too...damn. Didn't get the chance to hang out with them the last trip they made here..oh well.
Seriously once this whole internship is over..it will be a big relief for me. I just want to rest at home and watch movies. I just want to gather my thoughts before i end my final semester. I just want to relax.
That's just it for now. Its gotta be.
see u.

the beach. thats where my mind is.

Right now, i'm seated looking at you in a cubicle. I'm thinking about bali, the breeze and the jimbaran seafood. I'm thinking of eating again. I'm just thinking about dipping myself into the water while the hot sun sets down to bake my skin. I just like to imagine things that put me at ease. Recently, i've been so stressed out, i dont know how it feels, but John tends to stress me out at times. Not just him, it's just everyone, how i'm pressured from one whole day of stress and i come home to even more stress when really i wanna go home to a splash of wild kisses and teddy bear hugs. He gets pissed at me when i get pissed at him, then in the end we both end up pissed. I can see at this point of the relationship, we've both grown because believe me it was a lot more dramatic with the constant arguments and fights in the beginning. I dont know if i'll be able to grow up ever, but i find myself a more understanding person. Usually, when i've gone through alot of stress and pressure and whoever just keeps adding the weight on me, i'd just breakdown and explode. I tend to blurt out things i dont mean, in result i regret saying the things i never meant to say. I really do respect people that can tolerate people who get on their nerves, i mean how the fuck do they do that? It's like you have your own stress to handle and solve, but imagine other people adding their stress on you, i mean how does it feel, it actually gives me a backache. I swear,stress really does affect you physically. It makes you sick of everyone, disgusted, then you wake up the next morning not feeling well and all nauseous and shit. That's what happens to me, stress leads to so many things, it leads to forgetting your meals, it leads to not being able to sleep, it leads to bad moods and break ups and everything just turns to sour cream. Not that i broke up with him, i realized that breaking up with him over one bloody BIGFAT fight was actually childish and wrong. I guess we just dont understand each other, so i wanna understand him more. In a way i'm trying to get serious with him, sooner or later it might happen. I know i haven't known him for long, but the experience and memories shared were meaningful and well lets just say that one week with him really makes a difference in my life. It changes my perception of things. It's pretty amazing...but oh well he's amazing and the most important thing is that he gives a shit about me and wouldn't bother me to death. That's all i need from him.
I would kill to laze on the beach and just freakin play with the sand and tan while sipping off a baby coconut. Now that sounds like a nice moment. Cuz the moment i'm having right now? Uhuh..nowhere near happiness.
Damn i want don don and mur muri to come...damn damn i dont know kapan...i gotta get my schedule listed in my thick head.
cu bebe...me running out.

starfruit tree

Hey booster,
anyways im so bored at the office, i really dont know what to do. I had breakfast alone and now i'm going to have lunch alone. There was suppose to be this beer party thing going on in the pantry, i hope its good. Definitely carlsberg..but im wishin it was a tiger.
I just realized that people online barely say hi. I'm the one who initiates the conversation,i'm the one who says hello. Is that sad? haha. Oh well maybe cuz its lifeless here rightnow, so i have nothing to do.
I'm missing murti and ishtine so bad rightnow. Wish they were here man, wish they could just make me laugh while i'm doing work. haha
It would be nice to have starfruit juice right now, that is actually my favorite fruit juice. Maybe its cuz when i grew up, my dad would really take care of our baby starfruit tree in the garden. I used to be able to look down on it, not it looks down on me. It's really beautiful, enormous too. Know what was funny, i was having an odd conversation with my dad about how me and my sisters have growned tremendously..then i thought my dad said "yeah you have alotta mangoes too" and i was like "wtf?" and my sister was like "omg, no you dodo..he meant there are alotta mangoes in the garden rightnow" andi waslike "oh shit...cuz if he meant what he meant...it'll be fuckin gross to me".
haha..anyways that was funny.
I handled my grandmas funeral pretty well, i didn't shed a tear..i dont carewhat people think, that im heartless or cold-hearted its not that. It's just that i tend to bleed tears internally more than show it. Unless there'sno space inside to cry, i guess it will overflow n thats when people see me cry. She looked peaceful, so peaceful...she didn't look like some stiff dead body in a coffin, she looked lively...intact...and it was just beautiful when i stared at her waiting for a response (knowing i'll get none). God...i miss her and i miss him, i miss them both. I hope they're enjoying their time together to make up for all the years of heartache and bitchin'. Mary and Joseph, may you rest in peace.
I gotta go now. lunch time with johnny boy.
mwahhhh.

tied in those knots, crazy ones.

Hey you, yeah you..
wow its been a while since our last date. I've been busy with this internship thing, i'm in euro rscg, its great and i hope i will be learning loads. The first few days are a little still so i've been stickin my mind to different bestseller novels. Which kinda makes me confused. Anyways, i'm loving my life so far..well besides the "waking up early" mornings and "sleeping early" nights. I can handle the pressure of cutting a portion of my life. Well nothing much has been done these days..i've been spending alotta time with John and i'm lovin his company. He's been so sweet to me and i'm pretty committed actually. It takes time for me to really sink in into these relationships. I need to think, think, and think. I really am an "i dont know" person. I'm very decisive when it comes to planning events and where i wanna chill with friends, but when it turns to relationships, it leaves me indecisive about certain things that could mess one up. We have been arguing loads and loads and truck loads. But when i come to think about it, those arguments do have a solution, so why not we try to solve it? I nearly fought with him yesterday, given that both of us do have our similarities and that is: always having to be right. always wanting to win.
But oh well i've won a few. Now lets get to the point of what is there to win? When i give it a bloody long dreadful thought...there's absolutely nothing to win. Your pride is nothing. I know its easy to say,cuz i'm a very prideful person..i just like to be protected..so i get really defensive in arguments. But anyways, these long hours need alotta gettin' used to...i'm not immune to it just yet. I will be though, sooner or later...with the morning meetings, the scheduling, the morning milo and marlboro drag, the constant pantry drags and tea drinkin'. It's cool you see, that advertising does have its flexibilities, that is the workflow in every org...its all different, i got a pretty flexible one. Just as long as the works done on time..then the case is settled,no need for discipline. K maybe punctuality does make a difference to them. I'm getting graded baby. So therefore, i come early and i leave at 6pm sharp or perhaps 630 when they give me last minute work to do.
I can't remember the last time i played pool? Wow that was dust years ago..i swear..its been a while between me and the cue stick..lets go crack some balls. haha k that came off more than nasty. I miss pool more than i miss my sisters. I'm gonna play this weekend to see whether my level of skill has plunged down tremendously or not. I think it did. I'm not consistent in terms of i play today and i do great,but then after not having played for a week or so, my skills droooooooop deeeeaaaad.
I feel that i'm getting really old. LIke really really old. WHy is that? Is it cuz i see young kids doing what young kids like me use to do? Or is it cuz i'm introduced to a very new environment, the environment that actually involves alotta work. THe type of environment where people actually dont wait to do their assignments, they just live and survive doing these tasks for a living. Can you imagine doing assignments from 9-6? Can you? That could seriously put a hole in my brain. They just keep going on and on with a few lunch and ciggarette breaks here and there. Speaking of ciggarette breaks, i desperately have to go for one.
It turns out that i went for lunch now. I had a berry banana smoothie and a turkey croissant. Doesn't that sound yum? It was fantastic, just wanted to share that with you.
Now i'm proceeding to what you call boredom at its best. haha. I watched the premiere of Pirates of the Carribean. Shit. It was truly disturbing (slow, dramatic, boring) basically.
I dont know didn't like it.
I need to watch a good movie with john..we're always fated to watch suck ass movies...i liked hills have eyes2 the best tho..among the other movies we've watched. Haha..so sad isn't it? berry berry sado.
Man i miss home, i wanna touchdown in jtown and just feel the indo air..just chill in the cafes and just be at home. I just wanna go home but now that i'm stuck here, its not such a wise decision. And i haven't been spendin much time with my booster..so i guess i'll stay and play the safe game. haha.
Tomorrows me babys big night...so called eligible bachelor, no longer eligible cuz he's taken by moi. haha...its gonna be a gay night filled with crazy fluids and non-stop laughter..i will just laugh it all out...i'm just going to cheer for the other hotties....the other 49 hotties. haha..kiddin. But i just wanna see how he's going to behave. OH behave. haha...
anyways cabut dulu ya...i gotsta get back out of the compo.
lover