rough morning, rough day.

Morning,morning. I had a pretty rough moment with John lastnight. I went to meet my friends over at cyber for dinner. And since John smashed his own car a few weeks back, i know how he feels. Basically, we're stuck together so i don't get enough space till i get to the office and he doesn't get enough space until he drops me at the office and picks me up. It's a hassle, it's stressful to live this way, but i'm hoping it will not be permanent. My life with John is splendid, it can be i know it. It's just that we are both not used to this messy lifestyle therefore our moods twist up and we take it out on each other. I just really wanted to spend more time with my friends, to just cope up with them. I just feel restricted, like i have a time limit, John doesn't get that..at times he could be a little selfish and oblivious. I'm surprised i didn't end things,normally i would. But i have to let it go with the flow...i can't just jump off leaving the problem behind. I guess i've never given anybody the chance to explain themselves. I too am selfish. More selfish than my partner actually.
Be right back. Need an intensive drag session.
Intensive drag session taken. Now i have the smoke in me to write. The inspiration we humans get from nicotine. haha. Okay this months period is affecting me,making me yearn for morning, lunch, and dinner chocolate. Shito. I've been having these chocolate cravings since sunday god dammit. I went swimming two days back, man it was cool, the feeling of going through the midnight waves. It was the chill that made it fun, the type of breeze that makes you feel like you're really in the world and that it's not some studio background or some shit. Its that thrill of just jumping into water at an odd hour, when the pool lights are off and everything is just quiet and still until you interrupt it. It's beautiful really. I have to keep swimming. Then again, my red month has come, can't at the moment.
Murti's birthdays tomoro and I feel that i'm so fuckin irresponsible. I haven't gotten her a gift yet..somehow i have a feeling she will read this entry. It's one of those feelings. I haven't gotten her anything yet, but i know it will be some sort of modern vintage. Something that suits her skin, perhaps some flashes of gold and mundane green, hints of colors that look ugly when they are by themselves but when combined with other dull colors,they look magnificent. She needs those types, she fits those types and its a compliment. Cuz i really do like those kind of colors that are dull and boring alone but with the powers combined..dullness=the new in thing man.
I'm really not a fashion expert, i basically just put on whatever i have on. Seriously when it comes to clubbing, i seriously barely ever dress up. If i dress up, that means im really in the mood to just be sexy and have fun. But most of the time..im just with my tanks and jeans and sandals. Kalo ngk bisa masuk, ya udah slip on the same heels i've been using for the last couple of months. But i do need to shop for heels, i do. Just haven't found the right type yet. I dont understand how don don can get so many man, she's the fashion expert. But her clothes fit her yknow, like no one else could fit Donna's clothing line. I follow that hobo lifestyle look except i'm just cleaner and more accessorized. I dont know i have my days when i feel like shining, but most of the time i'm drained down from internship..i think of comfort more than anything else. Comfort spells out a navy green sweater with a huge ass hood, washed out jeans, brown leather belt, and a simple BLACK u2 singlet inside..and brown flats...flats..flats..and of course my two favorite beaded bracelets,never forget them. Thats basically me everyday, everywhere, unless an occassion pops up. Sounds very unattractive. haha i am very unattractive. I just dont have the days of dressing up anymore. I dont like mixin and matching no more, i just wear what there is to wear in my boring closet. At times i see all these bright happy colors i'd love to dig myself into..but unfortunately i've abandoned them for an uglier set of clothes. Sometimes i just wanna wear all my necklaces that i've worn in the pass, but today..i no longer have the mood to wear anything on my neck. My shoes...god..i wish i could wear all of em at one go..but i just wear the same sandals, the same flats. What has happened to me? Even my own boyfriend thinks i'm too casual for certain outings. Like it was his big bachelor event so he figured i'd dress up like some princess, instead i came looking like an expensive maid. Yeah i was wearing a white singlet, jeans, and pumps. He thought i was underdressed. Now im actually beginning to feel that i have to sacrifice comfort to please him. I'm always with the attitude of not giving a shit of how i look infront of others..i mean i didn't think i looked thatbad..i was just not fit enough to match his decent suit. I dont know why i'm just fuckin lazy to go parading in my stilettos and fuckin fancy tops that are long, drawn, and shiny. I mean cmon man...all the girls out there that are willing to really dress like that, i salute them all the way. Ok i'll try to wear something more than casual..something that shows my tits...something that just looks shiny with all the little bits of sequins tossed across the shoulder line. I'll dress like a friggin celeb. haha..NOT. I guess i would consider showing up more "in" place.
Just had lunch with mr.john...i didn't really enjoy it because today we were both boring and very NOT loving. I dont know i needed a hug, he needed attention but i didn't give him any. C'mon give me a break man, i ain't feeling so well. Sometimes guys are just such attention seekers, sometimes they just get on your nerves. Later on, i feel like just sinking into bed and my cool dreams rather than look at his sulky sad spoilt face. It just puts me into a world of rage.
I'm not really having a nice day, feeling tired.
adios.

korean bbq

Hey dude,
I'm getting pretty used to this cubicle thing. Although i prefer LB much more, i have no choice but to undergo the office hours. It's cool. Now i know what it feels like to live the reality college/uni days prepare you for. Its pathetic actually. They teach us nothing but nonsense, we study so hard adn then come out to work, then whatever is taught by the book does not apply to what we call work.
It's funny how my supervisors wanna challenge me to a pool match. Lets see who wins, they look like their fuckin pros so i'll just back out anytime man. haha.
Dude...i miss my friends..ever since this relationship started..i felt that my friendship with friends slowly parted. So sooner or later, i have to learn how to balance my time, learn how to split myself properly.
Dude,i ate the best korean bbq ever for the first time in my life, it was magnificent..the pork. And im really not the type of person that craves to eat pork, onlywhen its cooked in a dish and i have no option,i'll dig onit. But this time...i wanted more and more...i feel like i have sinned. Porks just not my thing. But now i can see why its so fuckin delicious. Koreans have their way with meat.
So today was a pretty weird day...it seems like the clock doesn't tickone bit..but the time is actually passing.
I miss my mother.....i dont get her..how could she travel everywhere and not feel lethargic. Now she's in germany and i have no idea where she will go to next..but i wish i was with her, travelling and eating and eating and drinking my time away.
Man i guess i gotta go home soon..johns pickin me up and this is all thats on my mind. Today i am pretty empty-minded.
Adios..adios...

the L WORD.

Im in the cubicle again. I was absent twice this week due to severe migraines and a weak stomach. I have no idea what its called when you combine those two problems. I don't know how it started..i just remember stressing myself out about everything. Just recently, i've picked up a new series for my eyes to scroll on. It's the 'L'word..at first it was all about lesbians fucking. But now its getting pretty intense, its basically about how lesbians live in this world. The scene takes place in LA and a few friends, bisexuals and gays, who have slept and experimented with each other. Its just amazing how they have great sex with the same sex.
Not that i'm interested to venture into this whole lesbian thing. I just think that they are sweet and take things more seriously. In a way, i respect them.
I know for a fact that i'm completely straight, i'm just into guys. They satisfy me. I dont know how to seek affection and pleasure from the same sex. It wouldn't make me feel secure and guarded.
Different people have different mindsets, most lesbos i see running around here are obvious, i mean one will always be the butch and the other will tag along like a bitch. So yeah that sums it up. But there are pairs that are both beautiful and hot...you can't tell their fuckin each other. You think they are in a relationship with hot men or something,but no they've actually had enough of them.
Gawd..i miss my mother, i miss her cookin' and her lovin. I feel like going home but there's something stopping me..well besides the internship, i sense there's something greater that's telling me not to go. I just dont wanna go anymore, i feel like being at home, but i dont feel like going to Jakarta. I just want my home. Thats all. I miss my sisters too...damn. Didn't get the chance to hang out with them the last trip they made here..oh well.
Seriously once this whole internship is over..it will be a big relief for me. I just want to rest at home and watch movies. I just want to gather my thoughts before i end my final semester. I just want to relax.
That's just it for now. Its gotta be.
see u.

the beach. thats where my mind is.

Right now, i'm seated looking at you in a cubicle. I'm thinking about bali, the breeze and the jimbaran seafood. I'm thinking of eating again. I'm just thinking about dipping myself into the water while the hot sun sets down to bake my skin. I just like to imagine things that put me at ease. Recently, i've been so stressed out, i dont know how it feels, but John tends to stress me out at times. Not just him, it's just everyone, how i'm pressured from one whole day of stress and i come home to even more stress when really i wanna go home to a splash of wild kisses and teddy bear hugs. He gets pissed at me when i get pissed at him, then in the end we both end up pissed. I can see at this point of the relationship, we've both grown because believe me it was a lot more dramatic with the constant arguments and fights in the beginning. I dont know if i'll be able to grow up ever, but i find myself a more understanding person. Usually, when i've gone through alot of stress and pressure and whoever just keeps adding the weight on me, i'd just breakdown and explode. I tend to blurt out things i dont mean, in result i regret saying the things i never meant to say. I really do respect people that can tolerate people who get on their nerves, i mean how the fuck do they do that? It's like you have your own stress to handle and solve, but imagine other people adding their stress on you, i mean how does it feel, it actually gives me a backache. I swear,stress really does affect you physically. It makes you sick of everyone, disgusted, then you wake up the next morning not feeling well and all nauseous and shit. That's what happens to me, stress leads to so many things, it leads to forgetting your meals, it leads to not being able to sleep, it leads to bad moods and break ups and everything just turns to sour cream. Not that i broke up with him, i realized that breaking up with him over one bloody BIGFAT fight was actually childish and wrong. I guess we just dont understand each other, so i wanna understand him more. In a way i'm trying to get serious with him, sooner or later it might happen. I know i haven't known him for long, but the experience and memories shared were meaningful and well lets just say that one week with him really makes a difference in my life. It changes my perception of things. It's pretty amazing...but oh well he's amazing and the most important thing is that he gives a shit about me and wouldn't bother me to death. That's all i need from him.
I would kill to laze on the beach and just freakin play with the sand and tan while sipping off a baby coconut. Now that sounds like a nice moment. Cuz the moment i'm having right now? Uhuh..nowhere near happiness.
Damn i want don don and mur muri to come...damn damn i dont know kapan...i gotta get my schedule listed in my thick head.
cu bebe...me running out.

starfruit tree

Hey booster,
anyways im so bored at the office, i really dont know what to do. I had breakfast alone and now i'm going to have lunch alone. There was suppose to be this beer party thing going on in the pantry, i hope its good. Definitely carlsberg..but im wishin it was a tiger.
I just realized that people online barely say hi. I'm the one who initiates the conversation,i'm the one who says hello. Is that sad? haha. Oh well maybe cuz its lifeless here rightnow, so i have nothing to do.
I'm missing murti and ishtine so bad rightnow. Wish they were here man, wish they could just make me laugh while i'm doing work. haha
It would be nice to have starfruit juice right now, that is actually my favorite fruit juice. Maybe its cuz when i grew up, my dad would really take care of our baby starfruit tree in the garden. I used to be able to look down on it, not it looks down on me. It's really beautiful, enormous too. Know what was funny, i was having an odd conversation with my dad about how me and my sisters have growned tremendously..then i thought my dad said "yeah you have alotta mangoes too" and i was like "wtf?" and my sister was like "omg, no you dodo..he meant there are alotta mangoes in the garden rightnow" andi waslike "oh shit...cuz if he meant what he meant...it'll be fuckin gross to me".
haha..anyways that was funny.
I handled my grandmas funeral pretty well, i didn't shed a tear..i dont carewhat people think, that im heartless or cold-hearted its not that. It's just that i tend to bleed tears internally more than show it. Unless there'sno space inside to cry, i guess it will overflow n thats when people see me cry. She looked peaceful, so peaceful...she didn't look like some stiff dead body in a coffin, she looked lively...intact...and it was just beautiful when i stared at her waiting for a response (knowing i'll get none). God...i miss her and i miss him, i miss them both. I hope they're enjoying their time together to make up for all the years of heartache and bitchin'. Mary and Joseph, may you rest in peace.
I gotta go now. lunch time with johnny boy.
mwahhhh.

tied in those knots, crazy ones.

Hey you, yeah you..
wow its been a while since our last date. I've been busy with this internship thing, i'm in euro rscg, its great and i hope i will be learning loads. The first few days are a little still so i've been stickin my mind to different bestseller novels. Which kinda makes me confused. Anyways, i'm loving my life so far..well besides the "waking up early" mornings and "sleeping early" nights. I can handle the pressure of cutting a portion of my life. Well nothing much has been done these days..i've been spending alotta time with John and i'm lovin his company. He's been so sweet to me and i'm pretty committed actually. It takes time for me to really sink in into these relationships. I need to think, think, and think. I really am an "i dont know" person. I'm very decisive when it comes to planning events and where i wanna chill with friends, but when it turns to relationships, it leaves me indecisive about certain things that could mess one up. We have been arguing loads and loads and truck loads. But when i come to think about it, those arguments do have a solution, so why not we try to solve it? I nearly fought with him yesterday, given that both of us do have our similarities and that is: always having to be right. always wanting to win.
But oh well i've won a few. Now lets get to the point of what is there to win? When i give it a bloody long dreadful thought...there's absolutely nothing to win. Your pride is nothing. I know its easy to say,cuz i'm a very prideful person..i just like to be protected..so i get really defensive in arguments. But anyways, these long hours need alotta gettin' used to...i'm not immune to it just yet. I will be though, sooner or later...with the morning meetings, the scheduling, the morning milo and marlboro drag, the constant pantry drags and tea drinkin'. It's cool you see, that advertising does have its flexibilities, that is the workflow in every org...its all different, i got a pretty flexible one. Just as long as the works done on time..then the case is settled,no need for discipline. K maybe punctuality does make a difference to them. I'm getting graded baby. So therefore, i come early and i leave at 6pm sharp or perhaps 630 when they give me last minute work to do.
I can't remember the last time i played pool? Wow that was dust years ago..i swear..its been a while between me and the cue stick..lets go crack some balls. haha k that came off more than nasty. I miss pool more than i miss my sisters. I'm gonna play this weekend to see whether my level of skill has plunged down tremendously or not. I think it did. I'm not consistent in terms of i play today and i do great,but then after not having played for a week or so, my skills droooooooop deeeeaaaad.
I feel that i'm getting really old. LIke really really old. WHy is that? Is it cuz i see young kids doing what young kids like me use to do? Or is it cuz i'm introduced to a very new environment, the environment that actually involves alotta work. THe type of environment where people actually dont wait to do their assignments, they just live and survive doing these tasks for a living. Can you imagine doing assignments from 9-6? Can you? That could seriously put a hole in my brain. They just keep going on and on with a few lunch and ciggarette breaks here and there. Speaking of ciggarette breaks, i desperately have to go for one.
It turns out that i went for lunch now. I had a berry banana smoothie and a turkey croissant. Doesn't that sound yum? It was fantastic, just wanted to share that with you.
Now i'm proceeding to what you call boredom at its best. haha. I watched the premiere of Pirates of the Carribean. Shit. It was truly disturbing (slow, dramatic, boring) basically.
I dont know didn't like it.
I need to watch a good movie with john..we're always fated to watch suck ass movies...i liked hills have eyes2 the best tho..among the other movies we've watched. Haha..so sad isn't it? berry berry sado.
Man i miss home, i wanna touchdown in jtown and just feel the indo air..just chill in the cafes and just be at home. I just wanna go home but now that i'm stuck here, its not such a wise decision. And i haven't been spendin much time with my booster..so i guess i'll stay and play the safe game. haha.
Tomorrows me babys big night...so called eligible bachelor, no longer eligible cuz he's taken by moi. haha...its gonna be a gay night filled with crazy fluids and non-stop laughter..i will just laugh it all out...i'm just going to cheer for the other hotties....the other 49 hotties. haha..kiddin. But i just wanna see how he's going to behave. OH behave. haha...
anyways cabut dulu ya...i gotsta get back out of the compo.
lover

the peace is all tha tmattesr

Todays a great day for me, i'm sitting down at starbux and im observing people. I dont remember when was the lastime i had this much time to do this shit. I liek being alone these days, it just gives me so much space to do whatever it is i wanna do. im going to eat seafood soon and hell yeah i can't wait to smash the crab and feast on its meat. hehe. Anyways i like seafood, its like an improper way of dining and its all outdoors and shit and you got that beer going. Nice huh? I'm just at a happy state now, i feel like i have all the freedom and i like it that way..i dont know i just do.
Im in bangsar village 2, i love it here when its raining, the weather really makes the place cozy. I would love my girlfriends to join me, but im enjoying this part alone to myself. Only to myself. I dont know why i came here, the car just led me here. I turned down invites to come here and get some peace.
anyways times up, gotta go eat my seafood dinner and perhaps a beer will do. Lovely. it's been a long time between me and a carls.
mwah.

a single slice

Hey bloggy bloggggg,
i've been so fuckin busy, its tough to explain. Will need to elaborate all that shit in about three pages or so. I'm currently in my mid terms so everythings half done, at least i feel that we're halfway through. That's cool. I have no time for parties and no time to live it up in all the fun. I used to be able to neglect studies, but now, it's so easy for me to neglect going out to nightclubs. I feel we should only go when we should really go. There's this video production thing and its really stingin me in my arse about how to work on it. its a group work but final cut pro is not my thing. Computers in general are not my thing. They hate me and well i wish i could love them more than i do right now. I've been cutting down on everything, like seriously, the drinking dont matter no more, the drunkness is out of me, i'm no longer drunk or even half drunk. I haven't been drunk for around half a year? Tipsy..yeah the lastime was in bali..but now when i drink, i dont have to force myself to the limits. My body just naturally rejects the alcohol or just tells me enuf is enuf. So i figure...my bodys not used to all such contents...which is bloody good for me. Fuckk..i miss ishtine and murtito..they are like so precious to me. I feel like muddy crap here just cuz they ain't around to talk to me or make me laugh. Its better havin them than a boyfriend. They make me feel alotttt better. Well there's this really cute guy and i know im not supposed to be into anyone right now, but this dude, he's cool..i find it hot that he's shy and quiet. There's like some seriousness in him that i find sexy. Makes me wanna get to know him more. Let me describe him, he's tall, shaved head, nice built, not like fucking good looking, but he's just so attractive. Oh well..i guess i'll lay off all that guy thing for a bit..no matter how nice or great they are. Shit. I find myself so lost these days..like i thought it was thursday today but it was friggin MONDAY mate! Like how the fuck did that happen? Shit man...i just need my musketeers to come save me from stressed out me. Anyways, i was suppose to go to adelaide to jumpa Dan but i guess we're just not fated to meet. He was so sweet though, to send me money to buy tix. I wouldve paid for myself just that my schedules so fuckin tight but he still insisted. One day i'll visit him, i promise. Haven't seen him in about 2 years plus plus. Time for me to. I miss him in a way that friends miss each other. Who knows we might reunite again? I dont know man...im still thinking about long dis relationships..dont work for me. I dont wanna add probs to both parties..so well realistically, i'm going to just stop all the thinking and just be on my own. I dont need anyone right now to be selfish with me, or argue with me, or seek attention from me, basically, all that relationship crap is so not appropriate right now. I'll stay single for as long as i can and i hope..during this single phase..i will enjoy whatever there is for me to enjoy. I hope i'll enjoy my job, i hope i'll enjoy my friends.
anyways gotta bounce now. time for some editing.

cheeryy belly

Hey blogger,

soz..been sick for the past week, horrible fever. It was really a high fever man...the sucky thing about this sick journey i've gone through is that the first hospital i went to was suppose to be one of the best, i guess i was wrong. I asked the doc..what can i eat and what can i not eat? He said.."my dear, you can eat everything?" and i asked "even fried chicken?"..he said "go treat urself to it, no problem and you dont need a blood test either". What do i know..when i woke up the next day, my temperature boiled to like 39 degrees and that was bad..i couldn't really think properly, icouldn't look at an object properly. I couldn't focus. So yeah i was suffering. So i went to gleneagles and yay....mr. singh helped me out...gave me a needle poke and yeah...im good now. My blood test was pretty close to the results of dengue fever..but thank god man...i would hate to be admitted again. Anyways i feel great now, i have recovered from all that heat and shit..haha and yeah i can go to college again like a real student. ohlala.
hmm...i miss mur and krispo. gosh..if only we weren't apart..that would be so cool. Then i would know what to do everyday, then i would know who i have everyday.
anyways times up for me...i gotta go do some unfinished article review. wish me luck. its about ethiopia and starbux. hehe..mwah,.
-cherry bellleee..hehe

what we have left behind.

Life is life, what else can it be? I'm living it..elya just left off like that, that elmo bitch. haha..i miss him to bits but i realized that if i broke down buckets...then i guess he would cry like shit. So i held it in like a motherfucker. I held it alright...then brian started suffering, Rayn too. All of us just miss this little twit. Left us for hot chicks. haha
It's valentines day, but i dont exactly have date...i just have a dinner date..but after that..i dont know man..i want my friends back to hang out with. We'll chill out and lounge and just be all relaxed with our usual convos. I hope i'll enjoy dinner, dates aren't really my thing...to be honest..i dont like dates..i feel locked up..i feel its too romantic..it just is. I haven't had a date for so long, i guess i was just too lazy to. But today, i'm giving this one a shot. If the date goes well, then i'll go well. If he's boring and he can't make me laugh..then i'm sorry..goodbye to him. haha..gawd..im just not in the mood to date..they are all the same..they dont really like me..htey just need a companion. I dont think anyones ever liked me for real before. I dont know...and i dont think i've actually really liked anyone before too..it's the truth..i haven't. No matter how much i show them i like them, it's not all 100% true. I'm just making the effort to keep up with them..then i realize that its all plain stupid. If you ask me who do i really like? I have no answer to that. There is not one single guy out there that fits me, it's like in the end, the relationships just dont last and maybe it's all my fault.
I dont care anymore about relationships, i guess if they come, they come. If they don't, then well SINGLE will always live to be my bestest best friend. I'm not complaining, i like single. It's so plain that there's no restriction whatsoever..you can have your friends..you can flirt with anyone you wanna flirt with, you can just do wahtever..without being judged or without being blamed for something so shallow.
Uni is getting really busy now...i'll be stressed out sooner or later..so i'm writing to you first..i'm just spending time here before i really get into something. ..and i will.
Anyways, jase's dad just had a heart attack, damn that guy he's been through alot. I guess when people look at us, they'd think we're going out when really my friendship with him is so personal that it looks personal even when we're not attracted one bit. Its like dating my own brother. He's just the only person ever that could cheer me up in weird ways. Whenever i feel like crying and life is shit..he's the one i'll contact first. Whenever i feel restless and weak..he's the one i will consult. Love you jjboy.
anyways..its time up..im busy now..mwah

hellohell

What is up baby?
i've been doing lotsa things lately. ahem..well that video production thing is so off my chest now. Now there's chinese new year coming soon..so i'm gonna get packets of dough from mama's fam and daddy's fam. It better be a fatbunch man...i intend to do alota shopping. So my days have been boring as hell actually, besides school there's nothing much to do. Haven't touched beer for 3 weeks already, crazy shit. Haven't been drinking. I've been slightly sick for about a week plus, so i've been feeding on alotta panadol pills and cough medicine and it makes me really drowzy and cuts off my mood for everything. Stayed at home the couple of days just watching dvds, pondering about my future, yeah just realized that i'm no longer a teenager anymore and i gotta do alotta shit if i wanna work in KL. Gota earn my own dough. Seriously, i dont understand how people spend money like water, i mean don't they get the value of money at any point? I mean it doesnt mean if you're rich, you can spend like a bitch. Some people are so stupid. Can't they be smart...im not asking them to cut down on expenses, i'm just asking em to go slow on their expenses and not off budget. People just don't save these days. Not like i do, but i'm not a power spender...i just value money. DAS ALL. Yay at least murs gonna be back, i can't wait to see her..i miss her to shits. We can hang out and have hot chocolate and just yknow lay back and enjoy the life chillin in cafe's while we check out books. I feel like going to aksara and QB. I feel like chillaxing in the cozy places.
Anyways times up for me, i'll be watching BLOOD&CHOCOLATE soon, see how good the cliche movies can get these days. MWAH.

her territory

baby boo.
Well i haven't really had fun these past few days. I guess the highlight of my birthday was spent drinking away with friends and i had a great birthday cake. It came in a form of a buffet, chinese style yo. haha it was steamboat and it was awesome because people i didn't expect would do such a thing did it for me. So it was great, we ate for a whole two hours and i can still feel my tummy wanting for more. Great chicken wings, great seafood, great pot and just great food to wrap it up. My cousins were there. It was magnificent. :D I thought that when i touched down here i didn't have anybody to meet, considering all my friends are still on their hols, then i realized i had family here. haha...i am from here anyways...so yeah. Another thing thats been bugging me eversince i talked to my mother is about my grandma. I heard she was sick and that she was just getting tired with life. She told my mother to be prepared because she's ready to leave but i seriously dont want her to leave yet. I think she's doing fine. She's still in her ruggard jeans and she's still smoking that bloody ciggarette like no ones business. I love her so much. I dont want anything to happen. It's been a year plus since my gramps has left us and trust me things have changed, i guess our familys slowly drifting away, we have plans here and there, that we tend to forget about him at times. I haven't visited my gramps yet, but i will very soon.
Shit, semesters starting on the upcoming black monday. Beautiful huh? I'll start being a bitch with all her usual complaints and i just won't have a life anymore, i'll cheat on you with a buncha assignments. Anyways i am so happy with my grades this sem, elya scared the shit outta me when he told me he got a C for media planning, shit shit...i was so damn scared to just see the results cuz he's smart and if he got a C, thats pretty good shit, what more would i get? prolly a D! But i didn't, thank god...media planning is so hard, i swear lilian makes life tougher for peeps. I got a C+ but im freakin happy tho. Its better than a flat F. Then i got some a's and b's. But few...it turned out pretty good for me. haha..yeah. So now it turns out that the internships straight after this sem, me have no time to go home. I wanna go home but Jakartas boring at times but i might have to go for LB. Yeah. i wanna just work hard this year. I know i always say this, but i hope i will. I've been saying it to myself all these years, it's time i did something about it. I'm halfway anyway and i'm done with uni by the end of the year. Yes! But thats when i start getting to know reality more, i'll be completely in it. Everything i do after uni will affect my life. I hope i get a decent job. I hope advertising and I will work well and be the best of friends cuz if not, then i guess i'll just be a complete failure. And i do not intend to be one. Life turns out different ways, i wish i could've been a marine biologist, but i guess i was following my future more than my passion. I guess i have to think about what my family wants first cuz i dont wanna be too self-centered. I gotta appreciate the things they've done. I do. My dads giving me a big time lecture about not appreciating him as a father. I mean what does he expect me to say? He is irresponsible at times, he forgets about his daughters while he starts spending on his girlfriends. He's not really that much of a father figure. But i love him you know, despite the things he's done in life, i still love him. Not like i can dig him out of my life. But i wouldn't. If my parents didn't separate, i wouldn't be this grateful. I would be spoiled and just boring. I wouldn't get to try new things, i wouldn't meet other people. Imagine, my dad doesn't want me to date anyone till i'm like 30. God. He's so strict! thank god i'm not living with him, prefer my mother. Damn this trip back to j town was awful man, everyday i had to argue wtih my mum, i just preferred to stay outta her territory i swear. Just all these arguments, all the blame naturally goes to me right? I mean i try to give in these days, i dont wanna be some rebellious bitch to her cuz i know she's just stressed out. She really is stressed out as hell, just that she's gotta stop pushing me, it's just way too much. I have so many things to attend to, i wanted to hang out with my friends and she got pissed cuz she was all alone at home. I mean c'mon yknow, let me chill with my friends and i'll come crawling back to you. Seriously, she was terrible with me. I wanted to get some fresh air, so i left early to KL. i just couldn't stand her. She should learn that one of the stages of being a mother involves deep understanding. If she understands me, then i'll understand her. The first thing i need to do is go shopping. I needa shop and get some new stuff for the new year. I am pretty superstitious and i dont care, but these things matter in life. I believe in feng shui because it really does do the work. I dont believe in fate though and i'm fuckin annoyed at some people that believe in it so strongly. Anyways dear blog, i've said enough today, i'm out of stuff to say.
mwah

light my baby goodbye

Morning blogger, it feels great to wake up at this hour. There's something fucked up wtih my clock here..it always states that i write my entries at around 3am or like 6am or some shit. Aneh sih. I've been in a bad mood these couple of days, i guess i need the space from people, i need to just sit back and relax, no disturbance whatsoever. Yesterday, i was in a fuckin bad mood, i guess cuz the night at mbc was really shitty and the bodyguards were being big ass bitches in PUBLIC so cindy couldn't go in cuz of sandals and abhi couldn't get in cuz of his shirt. It's stupid...
I've been getting alot from my mum...she keeps pinning me down, i just feel so pressured by everybody. Everyones been being a lil bitchy lately, including the guys. I feel like taking off, i can't stand Jkt, i gotta start packing for tomoro. I dont think i wanna come back so soon..but who knows home is home yknow. I better spend my day wisely today, like do something that helps me chill out in life n shit. The massage felt good yesterday but it didn't bring me that happy mood, i need to be happy.

I just wanna sit, relax, have some hot tea, read a book, and light my baby.
mwah....

luigi is a dumbass

Blog...i dont know why, i guess when i'm feeling bored i decide to kill boredom through you. It's this blog feeling, you feel like blogging, you feel like expressing how you feel or what disturbs you or what happened. So you can look back and remember through the past entries. I haven't yet scrolled through the past entries, i will soon..i'll either look back and feel stupid or all sad. Bali was not a blast, i didn't enjoy it...every single day i woke up realizing that if i spent the entire week in jkt, i'd smile. In bali, i was in a pissy mood, i was pissed off at the weather, the beach, the rain, the people. This was the worst bali trip ever, i dont want to recall this trip ever again. I hated it. And i never hate bali trips, but this one...i truly hate it. I was bitchy and pissy all the way....i guess i needed my friends.
My days here are nearly over...i'll be leaving soon...in a way i can't wait to leave...i want to go back to KL and just get my life straightened up. I want to prepare for school, i need to write a resume..i needa do so many things. If possible, i wanna leave asap. I dont want to think about anything else. In a way, i dont feel like comin back home this june or july...i'm just gonna visit mur or kristine...that would be a better way to spend life won't it. Rather than come home....and then do the same shit everyday..god im getting sick and tired of it. Besides..mummy visits me like nearly every two weeks or some shit...its so close....I gota do some sports man..like take up ice hockey or something, i love it...it just looks so damn hard...or just have frequent basketball games with the dudes...they'll teach me n make me improve slowly. Mur took pole dancing, it sounds really difficult dude..you gotta like carry your entire body up the pole and plus, you gotta wear heels, that im not good in. I have no sense of balance.
Okay im going to bounce...dreamland awaits...and i am so looking forward to it.
mwah...
Those unforgettable fairytale nightmares? Yeah you fool, i've seen mario and luigi in my dreams, they weren't fighting against the world, they were fighting against each other. You know how stupid luigi is? He can't jump for shit.
nitey nite. I wanna play nintendo. :(

good mornin

Morning blogger. I guess I've been waking up pretty early these days, hmm...i went to church on Christmas day to pay my respect, and it felt different. It was a different church and since i've never stepped in GOd's house in like 3 years, i guess i had that odd feeling of just invading. But in the end, i got the hang of it. I'm not used to it at all, it reminds me of my childhood days. Me just standing like a dope with my mother. But it was alright, it's not as boring as it was a few years back. My Christmas wasn't a blast, but all my friends were there, we had that casual hang out and started feasting on the turkey and our glasses of wine, it was beautiful, but then i got sick and they went home, so yeah its pretty sad shit. haha. But i dont know, Jakarta can get boring these days, maybe its because we all grew up and we all have our own things to hang on to. I haven't done much since i landed, just been hanging out with my friends which is real good and all but we gotta do more than that. Too bad most of them aren't going to Bali, i better have a great time in bali man or else i'd fucking regret leaving my friends in JKT. But i wish they could join me, it'll be wicked! Clubbing here is boring, i swear, i dont know, the crowds just getting worst. It's annoying. My friends and i dont even know what to do, i mean we dont feel like dancing or drinking that much, i guess we prefer to smoke up and laugh at each other. haha. It was funny when i was smoking up with deyta, she was asking me why the trees were so short and why the road was so small. Haha...funny shit. Bali has changed too actually, clubbin there is no longer relaxing, it's like you can never just sit around n have a beer. All the sleazy people are there to disturb. They disturb anybody and all they do is just get drunk every fuckin day...as soon as they wake up. I dont think they even sleep in their hotel, i think they just get wasted and hang around in the clubs, pubs, restos. It's a very tiring thing to do. I know i'd never be stupid enough to stay awake for like 3 straight days drinking alcohol. SO dumb. These days i don't wanna drink so much, i can see how it ruins me. I dont want to get drunk, cuz i can see how it makes me so different and slutty and all that shit.The usual, alcohol does shit to you when you have just a little bit too much. Like i can't stand tequilla shots anymore, it gets me sick instantly. It's gross. I just wanna have a beer. haha i'll never leave beer. Anyways time to move on with today's activity. SHOPPING. yeh i needa shop, i've been so damn lazy to walk around and shit, now i'm going for my own stuff, hehe.....anyways ciao.
CU nanti.

safe zone is it?

I am absolutely frustrated and agitated right now. Confused about my life, like where the fucks it going and where the fuck is the effort and sweat running? Is it running away from me, do i deserve some goody treats? Do i deserve anything at all? Or do i deserve shit. You see i hate this time of my life because i wanna be happy when christmas hits and this is the month of december but i dont see myself in the spirit of christmas, i dont see myself being santa. I dont see myself anywhere in particular. I just realized that all i do is help other people,i never stop to care about myself and my needs. The thing is im not used to it i can't. I hate it when people dont appreciate things, i hate it when people want to just make enemies with you. Whats the fuckn point in the end? I just hate people. I hate myself for now. I really do. Right now i feel like crap, i just go online and everyones just shooting me with comments and the need for advices of which i give and they dont use. I guess all my help was not a thought that counted to them. Im just in the mood to bitch around so please let me and get it that im not always like this. I just hate the fact that im so selfish at times and i can't let go of my pride, i hate pride in others as well, how they can just ignore you like that even when you're friends? I hate the fact that certain people care about who says hi to them online first, its so fuckin dumb. I hate how people can't let go, i just dont like the way it is, people keep twisting and turning. It prolongs it and it becomes like an endless waste of time. It's a waste of time. I can't keep caring for people that are so selfish with themselves, becuz all they care about is themselves. They are self-centered pieces of shit, they have too much pride and it makes me sick. Oh and one thing i hate, i hate it when people are worried about what others might judge them to be. I mean what the fuck, you are you, so be you, what else or who else can you be. I dont care if you're ugly or dumb, act it, dont act like ur smart when ur dumb becuz that will make you look dumber. I mean whatever you are, you know it best, so just be it becuz you are it. Ok whatever.
And to all the bloody bitches out there that think they're so hot and popular or whatever shit, fuck you guys man! I mean what the fuck, dont go around wiggling your funny looking thick powdered faces like ur some kind of heroine. You're not, you're an idiot becuz you just want to be hot and pretty and thats about it really? Why can't you have more substance like wanting to be smart for instance? Ain't that betteR? THe thing is girls these days misunderstand the word respect, they think respect comes from popularity and looks, when really respect comes from your good deeds and title in life. What you have done for others, what you have accomplished besides being Ms. whatever. I just hate these pretty girls that are pretty and are actually smart but just dumb when it comes to the social world. They wanna be the it item, they wanna be this and that. Uggh they make me feel like puking i swear. Every single thing that happens to them, they have to BBC it to me. Everytime a guy thinks they are hot, they gotta tell me as if it were the most matter of fact issue ever. It's just f-annoying. I can't handle it. It's blowing my nerves to insanity. Its draining my good moods. I get affected by other people, seriously. It adds pressure, it bugs me. Shit my maids awake, that shows im such an early sleeper. Yeah that just really reminds me about my late hours. ahem. i gotta stop.
And you fuckers out there, dont think you can mess with any one of my friends just becuz you're a piece of hot ass. So what if you're nice to look at, you're a pussy deep down and you know that. You're an asshole deep down and you're gonna be losers in the future. I dont care if your rich daddies support you throughout your entire life, that just shows ur bloody useless. Ur not even hooked into studying, what will you be hooked up with in the future? Uselessness? Yeah..thought so. So dont go around shoving ur money infront of our faces, cuz we dont care...its just money that does not belong to you anyway. So what if you break up with the girls first, it doesnt make you cooler. I just hate fools these days, they're so dumb, they are disrespectful, they think they can get girls with money (their parents' money cmon), they think so highly of themselves, i just wanna tell em to fck off. My friends have been hurt and i've seen it, those bloody idiots are not men, they are rodents. They are filthy pieces of shits..and yknow what in this world there are no proper guys, its just full of bullshit. Relationships were born to end, either way it will end. I can't stand all the girls that wanna slit their wrists and die just bcuz their lovers left them, so what, they just left. They should be thankful they're alive, instead they pull the trigger, slice themselves up, or just jump down the building. I can't believe it. Life is way too short already, why make it shorter? I hate this. More and more people are into this kind of suicide ritual, its like the fastest way to overcome ur problems is to DIE. Bloody shit heads. Ihhh i dont know why im so carried away with this entry. I guess im just in the mood to blabber out bits and bits after getting annoyed at myself and other people that were chatting with me.
oh damn there's just so many types of people out there that were meant to annoy you, meant to get on your nerves and tickle it excessively. Meant to drive you crazy enough to make crazy comments and complaints of how idiotic they are. Its so dumb.
i wanna leave. gnite. I want a good sleep. byye

hearty melt

Im back, im back. For some reason, it still feels like im in kl. But i guess i'm just settling down here, i miss jakarta loads, even now i do. It feels so i duno odd. My friends are scattered around, i dont know who to call and how to. I just know that Donnas always around so thats who i hang around with mosta the time. Just came back from La Forca, pretty nice place, the pool tables aren't that smooth but it's better than lazing around at home or chillin in some cafe. I get to see Don work her public relations. haha...but its a cool place. Shit its nearly christmas, it'll be coming so soon i wont get to complete all my christmas letters to the people i cherish oh so most!
hehe. I haven't eaten nasi padang yet, imagine. I'm thinking about work, whether i'll isolate it for my friends or the other way round or time manage my time to make time more time worthy. Yesh..can i do that? I hope so. Just lessen down on clubbin. I dont know why, but i dont like embassy, i hate dugeming there, there's some still air in that place, it makes me feel sick and stuffy inside and i just dont enjoy the sight of everyone there, i dont enjoy it at all. I'd rather go to vertigo, its much better for me. Man people are getting so weird these days, they do stupid things, they act stupid, they play stupid, they talk stupid, they eat stupid, they drink stupid, i dont knwo i think the whole worlds slowly becoming dumb. Its scaring the life out of me. I've been meeting people that have lost track and that have gone whack, my criticisms may seem extreme, but i might be a loser one day. Even if losers disgust me, i can imagine myself in the same boat. Sickening but this world is unpredictable, sometimes its better to be a loser than a winner with all the pressure. But seriously, please lord, i dont want to be a loser. I seriously dont wanna be at all! :(
Blogger pal, i dont want to get drunk at all, not even on new years eve. I just dont know what i do when i'm intoxicated yknow, i guess my mind and thoughts get poisoned too and then i start acting like someones fool. I start acting like the cheapest piece of shit ever. I hate that, i wouldnt want my mother to see me like that. The lastime i got drunk was the last trip here, i've made it four months clear of not getting drunk. I just dont wanna be not myself and jump into some sorta psycho. Because i'm happy being me. :D I'm happy with the failures and mistakes i've made and through alcohol it does lessen the burden for me, but not when i drink heavily, it makes me a burden to others. I should be considerate and stop being selfish with others. I should just enjoy my baileys irish cream while i go have a nice swim. i want to go to the book store and be able to stay there for hours without getting distracted by going somewhere else. I wanna be with my hot chocolate and friends and i wanna talk about others in a good way and talk about others in the bad. i wanna spend my day wisely. I hope i will. I wanna just have a real chilled out day. I've never really had that type of memory. It's just for an hour or so, never the whole day from morning till night. never ever. I appreciate everything now, i love the situation im in now, it keeps me alive, keeps me awake and sane. When lifes too perfect, its not the perfect life, its the most imperfect of all the type of lives. I want the life that has problems to deal with, it just reminds me that there's things to take care of and responsibilities and people to love. I just have to annoy you about my perspective, might seem rather odd but i'm odd and so are you.
Tomorrows a good day. I can smell some good ass breakfast in plaza indo and some good lunch with great friends and great dinner either at home or around kemang. Or perhaps we'll watch a movie and bum around citos. Now thats the j-town life, wonderful huh. Relaxing, but yeah its too good to be true at times. Oh fuck i needa make cards. Arts, help me craft good cards for i am one horrible being, i can't make shit that involves creativity and color coordination. I suck so bad in being artistic.

Good night and the sweetest dreams?

Love all you people that give me the warmest cuddles ever, it makes my heart melt. I swear, it does.

I'll be leaving KL on friday. Sad isn't it? Suppose to leave this sat but due to sisters visa, i guess we're down to friday. It's so sad how the indo jilbab bitch was bitchin all the way, i couldn't stand it. People were stinking, bitchin, and i was just sitting down like a dumb dumb playing the "forgotten warrior". How gay huh? It's hard to bcuz my fingers are too big for my samsung keypads. haha...seriously. Anyways i ate like someones bitch in penang, just kept on going and going like i had the biggest tummy in the world. There was nothing to do except eat, so thats all i did. I haven't eaten so much in ages, there was all this awesome chinese food, it was greasy and oily but hey thats the fun in food, the oiler it is the better. Trust me, it was the bomb! I just completed kristine and murtis xmas gifts. I hope they like it, they've both changed their sense of style, so i guess i have to be updated with their needs. Kristines now a beach bum and murti now loves nicole richie. haha. but it doesn't matter, to them i guess my thoughts of getting em gifts count. Now i have to wrap the gifts, the part where i suck badly in. I haven't been doing much really, just been idling around the streets of KL, thinking of what to do and where to go to find some funny entertainment. Friends are all occupied with their girlfriends or boyfriends, so i dont wanna be a major interruption and be blamed for it indirectly. So i'll have the own fun i have with my sister. I dont know what to get KLAR? Maybe i'll get her those emo shirts or tankinis. GOd, i miss nasi padang so much! I'm dying for the indo taste, dying for the indo life i left behind. I haven't been home for a few months, feels like a wire is unplugged in my personal life. Yeah KL's been so boring, i feel like i'm slowly deteriorating with the constant daily boredom. Clubbings no fun either, i get invited to places but it truly sux..its like i'm just not up for the crowd and blend of people, im not up for it, they're no good, they're not old friends, they're no fun...like my sister got stepped on by some little wanker on her big toe nail and now there's like a humongous purple blood clot and it looks hideous. And me? i can't drink for shit, i get so weak then even 3 bottles of heineken can fill my mind heavy. It's terrible. I guess i didn't go with the proper crowd of people, i mean yes my friends can be wacko fun but at times...you need the old buddies to support the fun throughout the night. That's what people can't do here, there's always someone behind the bars of coldness and there's always someone with stabbing thoughts of you, looking at you like a cold psycho bitch. Girls all get that...we tend to misjudge but hey, it could be true. In the end we tell each other "yknow i used to think you were a bitch, when really i found out you were nice, that made me feel bad" That's my number one line to people i misjudge and bitch about but in the end discover they are the most beautiful souls around this bloody earth. Yeah jakarta has a different light to it, you go home and ur familiar with the roads and the people you wanna call out for a drink are already set in your mind and in ur phonebook. Like i love calling out DONO CASINO for hang outs. haha...she's normally the first person i call. We plan the shit togetha. i miss that biatch man. You know im getting so sick of the fact that you need money for everything. Like i forgot to cash out some cash from the ATM and that just made me realize that you fuckin need the cash or else you can't survive the day. You can't buy your friends cool gifts, you can't meet your friends without money. It's so fuckin sick i swear, i hate money, i hate it so much. Everyones getting so greedy these days, they just want money out of you, its like nothing else matters, just the dough. Fuck em! Ahh gitu la...lifes so sad for me and others these days. I hate the way the world thinks, the way people in general think, its like they're never wrong knowing that they are fuckin wrong. I can't stand people like that. It just pisses the shiiizz out of me mon.
Anyways, enough about bitching about bitchy people.
Damn i gotta get working when i'm back in j-town. Im so weak when it comes to invites, fuckin weak, i can't nolak my friends, i can't! It's hard...i hate to see the disappointment in their eyes..haha ciehh...i just hate the bugging about not being able to make it and the dumb ass excuses of work. It's like i'm trying to be sok pro...but i'm really not, i wish we had more time in a day. I wish we could hang out the entire day and do some funny things or laugh at funny things. I hope this christmas will blast my mind, cuz it hasn't for the last couple of years. I thought christmas would help overcome boredom, but at times its so awkward spending it with friends and distant friends. It feels aneh.
Cheers to my prediction of christmas. mwah.
friends and fam, excellence! (quote JASON OSMOND LIEM) haha my kampungan bastard. Jase i exposed osmond! aha osmond, haha sounds like a long furry animal. ew. haha love you bang jjjjjj!

happy happy joy joy

Damn, the year 2006 is ending so soon. I was just writing all my new year resolutions and bam...the years over and i have to write what i want to achieve next year. SHIT. haha you know i was just wondering why someone gave us life and what is the whole point of life. Like when ants i kill die, where do they go? When people die, where do they go? Do they just rot not knowing that they've left their loved ones? Or maybe we're an experiment, but the question is, who's experimenting with us? And who is experimenting the people that are experimenting with us? If there was a creator of life, who is it and who created him? Things happen for a reason, so if there really was a GOD, he should show himself right now, he should just pop up and prove to us. I dont know man i was on the way home today and i was passing this highway and the scene was deadly man. There was this body on the road covered by a black plastic bag and shit...blood was draining out to the road like tree roots spreading out the ground. My tyres rolled over the blood, imagine that, it's gross but i felt so god damn sorry. Then got me thinking about GOD. Like whats he like? is he cruel or is he kind? Is he irresponsible or is he just leaving us in the dark? Is he crazy or is he rational? I dont know him at all. But why are so many people praying to him for help? I mean does he really help. Sometimes i think he really helps, but maybe the help just dropped by like that due to right timing, it could be psychological of me to think he helped. Ah okay whatever...anyways i'm happy, i'm glad and sooner or later i'll be back in jtown! :D
LOVE YOU BEB.

psycho bitch

Light....i'm starting to enjoy the sight of it these days. Makes me feel so fresh...yknow that feeling. I had a scary dream lastnight, i was dreaming about this psycho lesbi around her 30's and she tried to kill my friends and we were in this creepy worn down classroom. I was so freaked out because she came up to me in my dream and asked me to kill my friends because she threatened to kill me. So she gave me this huge ass butcher knife and asked me to chop my friends up to pieces. She was sick. The weird thing was that there were 30 people being kidnapped by her, a few guys and a buncha girls but none of us took enough guts to put her down or kill her. In the end, she leads us to this garden where two of my friends were buried and told us to kill ourselves or else she'd razor us to bits. In the end, i woke up and had a horrible headache. Up till now, i have a feeling that she still exists. I dont know whether i'll experience that type of thing one day, but its freaking the shit out of me. She's so sick i feel like killing her already. But where is she? I recognize her face still. One day when i meet her, i'ma call the cops. ah. Scary shit really.
Aw shit..gotta go christmas shopping, buy my besties stuff that they want. That's hard..i dont know what they like! I dont want to buy them something they wont use, i wanna buy them some thing they WILL use. Im not really that good with gifts, i just get the standard presents. I dont waste too much effort becuz i dont know how to concentrate on good gift wrapping and good choices of gifts. i'm real bad at it. But whatever, its the thought that counts right? Well i know people say that alot but sometimes gifts do matter and to them thoughts don't count.
i feel like shit now, a combo of flu, a sore throat, and a slight cough. Shit i took two panadols and it wiped the shit outta me, now i'm so fuckin blur, i can't even talk properly or do things right.
GOtta GO.