A recovery

Shit, i miss jakarta, it's only been 2 months or so but im missing my mum like a bitch. And the fact that i have internship right after this semester doesn't really make me feel alot betta. Imagine no breaks or family dinners, no life, nothing to turn to. I can only depend on myself. I miss my friends, im so sick mentally, not that way, but so home sick. I long for the old days where friends would be around on the dot...around everywhere i go. It's so sad its happening, the stage of growing up is a killer. I have no choice, i have to be rational that if i wanna end uni, i gotta get recognition from internshippin. Its just so sad cuz i haven't seen most of my friends for so long, i feel like a different person. I feel like spendin time with them in an island, just havin fun and cracking up jokes and all. Those are the days to miss, the days that mean so much to you, the days you use to take for granted, the days that make your day, most of all, the days that make who you are today grateful for having those days. Ahh..i have a headache, i can't think properly, i have an essay to do,i just can't breathe. I can't live properly without these retards. At times like these, life makes me feel so inferior to others, makes me lifeless without these people. They mean so fuckin much to me man. Im sad..but its ok tho...i know i'll wake up tomoro and it'll be all cool again. Im gonna go now mang....gotta do my work. I'll try to work hard.
malesh.hehe.
love you

a heavenly mood

hello peeple.
ahh its been quite long since i've written, well it feels like it. here i am doing some research, here i am forcing myself to be hard working again. here i am playing the tickle iq test...here i am frustrated. haha. well i recently went to the lagoon, went to sun tan my ass off, and i did enjoy it just that i didn't put enuf sun protection and now my bodys sun-aching. Life's been ok, sleeping hours are a little fuckd up due to this newfound hobby of mine, fishing. hah yeah...i love fishing, it really takes ur mind off things and it helps you wtih something really important..patience. I figured that if i started fishing, maybe, just maybe, i might improve my temper and all that stress that i've been inflicting to myself. Yeah i havent cooked anything for myself lately...just been eating a lotta lotta unhealthy food. Ah fuck classes are getting harder. Just when i thought Media planning was a light course, it wasn't. fuckin calculations and formulas mannng. I just hate studying sometimes, seriously. I only like the exams, thats it. Assignments are a killer to me. Exams assure you that if you fuckin pass its fuckin over! Ah..can't wait for finals..then it'll be the internship, i duno i hope to apply for leo b or saatchi and saatchi...one of those..that would be awesome to work in such advertising firm. Advertising is a bitch but i like cuz of the aggressiveness and the activities and all the bullshit. its just an aggressive business and i hope it would make me a stronger person.
Life? been aite..met some guys, enjoying their company, they make life feel much better than girls do sometimes..they don't complain about guys, thats why. haha.
but im not dating any of em, its all good between us, friends stay friends...nothing more for now i guess...i've been too busy trying to study and trying to work but i just know that life cant be balanced all the time, its only when you feel like it.
Oh well im craving for some teo chew porridge, dude its so healthy man..instead of stupid junk food all day in school. thats all i can do to munch away the boredom.
Anyways i have an early day tomoro, gotta follow my schedule as planned. if not..im just a useless piece of craaapooo.
aite..mwah.
ps. i really miss that one person that cracks me up so bad, that wants me to bitch at him, that waits for me to tie my shoes, the one that just looks so stupid when he's all caught up. he doesn't exist yet..but he seems pretty cool for me.

lyricsss

EAGLES LYRICS"Hotel California"
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dimI had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bellAnd I was thinking to myself,'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,I thought I heard them say...
Welcome to the Hotel CaliforniaSuch a lovely place (Such a lovely place)Such a lovely facePlenty of room at the Hotel CaliforniaAny time of year (Any time of year)You can find it here
Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain,'Please bring me my wine'He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the nightJust to hear them say...
Welcome to the Hotel CaliforniaSuch a lovely place (Such a lovely place)Such a lovely faceThey livin' it up at the Hotel CaliforniaWhat a nice surprise (what a nice suprise)Bring your alibis
Mirrors on the ceiling,The pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers,They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember, I wasRunning for the door
I had to find the passage backTo the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,'We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,But you can never leave!'

Could it be?

He cared for me but why didn't i bother to notice how much he cared? I know i hurt him, i know it hurt so much to hurt him but the feeling i had for him is no longer there, its been gone a few months ago and all the while i was just forcing myself to reconsider this relationship when really it wasn't a relationship, it was just me being needy of a companion and a friend. These past few months with him after the break up has been fine, i treat him as a friend while he treats me like im the greatest, when really im just a piece of crap. Whatever he did for me, i dont deserve it, he basically did everything for me and what can i do? Thank him about it? cmon, thats not enuf for the amount of things he's done, its unmeasurable. I told him all the intimacy between us had to be over and that we'd be friends, he's hurt of course, i'm sad for being too tough on him but thats the most i could do, there is absolutely no future between us, there never will be. This morning i sent him to the airport, the look on his face really wanted to make me cry, but if i cried he would cry and if he cried, it would make me feel so guilty so there were obviously no tears in my eyes. Im writing this here because i never write about him here....i just appreciate all that he's done for me and to my thoughts. He's really changed my perception about life, about business, about work, about people, about being an individual. He helped me out so much. I guess i just wanted to thank him, even tho its over between us, even if we weren't in a relationship anymore for the past few months, even if he doesn't believe me, i just wanted to say that i really really appreciate everythings he's done. I appreciate him as a very good friend, nothing more.
Today making things clear really taught me that if you dont clear up your big mess, the bigger it gets, someones gonna get hurt and the situation will turn real ugly. I really dont want to take anyone for granted anymore, i need a break to really set my mind on what i want in life. I guess having relationships aren't important, but when someones there for you at the right time, you tend to fall for their effort and time wasted on you. I guess everybody needs someone by their side, at first i was too cocky to say it, but i really do need to rely on someone at times, i can't seriously solve all my problems at one go, i always need someone to guide me through the rough road, someone that could inspire me to continue smiling, someone that could really persuade me to get my ass back up and be realistic instead of day dream and hope that good things will come along. Man..good things come when you do something, you can't just sit around like n arse and wait for it to come to you. Thats what i thought a while ago..but i've learned a little....i've become a more realistic person, i try not to be a pessimist, since i used to be one, it didn't work in life for me. So i wanna be more positive starting from today xD.
Yeah we'll see my progress....im damn tired....gonna ciao for dreamland.
mwah.

tired----

i have weird sleeping patterns. Just because i had barely two hours of sleep this morning, i actually convinced myself that i could have great sleep right about now, and fuck..now i'm writing to you all over again, just like the other nights when dreamland won't take me. I took actifed, for that horrible cough i was giving out just about everywhere today. When ur cough gets really bad, it tends to have this recoiling effect, oooh yeah...thats when the cough gets real real bad. Just like mine, fuck...it's so tiring to cough, sometimes i try to hold it in, but it tickles my throat. So i'm alone again, yeah a loner, if starbux was my neighbor, i would hang out anytime baby. So at least i have some inspiration to plan out what it is that needs to planned out instead of staying at home n doing the same thing all the time when i can't fall into nice sleep. I was like twisting and turning all over, nah comfortable spots didn't make me sink into dreams, just made me jump out of my bed, that's all.
I feel so uncomfortable at this hour, everything just seems so still and awkward and you're the only thing that's breathing. It feels weird, no noise from the television, just you typing these words and that's about it.
Today i went shopping man, it was awesome, actually managed to get some preppy clothes.
it was cool.
yeah that's basically my life for today and what happened. haha...okay gnite gnite gnite.

hushhh..

My little bloggie,
Today in a way i feel depressed. I guess i just give up easily on things that aren't that difficult if you make some effort. Problem with me is that i don't give that much effort, i dunt have the fire chasing me, i really don't. If i had that fire, i'm one lucky bitch, but unfortunately i don't.
My sister got drunk just then, now i know what it feels like to take care of people when they are drunk, most especially when i'm drunk and all i do is puke everywhere, fuck that's just really selfish of me huh..not like i mean to, but shit happens. It's hard to promise urself not to get drunk, it's mainly peer pressure that makes you drink and drink more than you think you can. You wanna drink with them and act tougher than you are with drinks when really i have realized in this life, whoever drinks the least is the winner, not the most. haha...never thought about that you know. But i like drinking less, it makes me feel healthier and i don't start getting all slutty, well who am i to say all this. It'll prolly strike back at me one day and i'll fuckin embarass myself. It's a fact, just when you promise yourself that you won't ever get tipsy again, you end up getting drunk instead. So i just wanna hush about all this shit. Ahhh blog im tired...im gonna go to sleep and have cool dreams with the cartoons. Maybe spongebob and square pants will show up? Hmm..or ooooh...homer simpson cracking me up. I need that in dreamland. au revoir.
i miss all the people that i've missed and met throughout my beautiful 19 years.
cheppi----

i bet that you look good on the dancefloor.

I just woke up, it's a fresh start today, time to rearrange my room, do the entire feng shui setting goin on. I dont have one of those lillian feng shui books, but i'll try to depend on my instincts. It's a lovely morning for me, for the first time ever. x) Dancing in the moonlight by Toploader's such a good morning song, it's cute. Fuck murs not here, i feel bad, i never can make it in time to see her. But we did take those photobox pics.....finally after a year or something of not being able to make it due to pure laziness and lame excuses. I have no idea why i keep craving for ayam goreng, haha...i've never wanted ayam goreng so much before, just recently the ayam goreng craze hit me. What i miss? I miss ayam goreng kalasan near the airport, i miss bakmi kek, i miss all these yummy stuff i've abandoned since my parents separated. When ur parents separate, you tend to have a different lifestyle when it comes to your home and what you eat. Mine have changed tremendously. The reason why i'm able to even get out at night is because my father is not around to control me, the house is faraway, so therefore im not worried. I dunt know but this is how most of my friends feel about me. They think i act like a bitch because of what happened to my parents, and you know what? I'm starting to believe that it's true. I hate it when people say "she's from a broken family, etc etc"...i dunt come from a broken background, my family's perfectly fine, and they've never been better apart. My mum has her own bf's, she's one playa for her age, haha and my dads getting some too i guess. I duno i i just like my parents when they aren't arguing with each other, when they're not cheating on each other, especially my dad, i did hate him, but fuck it yknow, why hate him, i grew up to understand that his blood will always stay with me. I still spend time with dad, i miss him in a very subtle way. All those times he was too busy for me and my sisters, we never complained. But i guess he's improved a little, he still likes to take us swimming, fishing, and golfing at times, his top three priorities when it comes to something to do with us. Or the most is dufan, if we're even lucky, haha...he's never free, used to always fly here and there, i dunt even know if he's in jkt everytime i get back here. I duno im starting to appreciate my family very much, doesn't matter if it's not a pleasantville movie, but i like it perfectly broken, so that i can move on and so that i wouldn't be left hanging. You can say i slightly mistreat guys, the fear in me has subsided a little, but not quite, i won't trust em easily and even if we are in a relationship, the first thing i'll let go is not my anger, it's them. My relationships dont last long, im not the type of girlfriend that will listen all day long and be controlled, i can't take it...i feel like i need space to breath, need my own life back or something. Who am i to judge kan? I'm not a good gf, either they think i'll cheat on them instantly or do something wild and naughty behind their backs, but i can guarantee one thing, i would never cheat unless they cheated so i'll definitely come back with my sweet revenge. :D Been cheated on before, so i know what most guys are like, know what they are? They're assholes that think that hurting girls or destroying a relationship is a plus, they think they can control you and threaten you not to go clubbing or cheat on em or else it'll end between the both of you, they wanna take advantage of you for a bit, even if they really liked you, that like wasn't that serious anyway. Take you to nice dinners, but what for? To lure you into bed? I'm stupid at first with all these things, i get lured, i fall for the typical gentleman, the ones that know how to be decent, the ones that know how to smell, know where to bring you, know what to wear, know what you like. And i hate how smart some can be. Cuz behind the pretentious act lies this burning desire to have you and therefore it slowly grows tempting and thats when the chemistry begins and you know it, but you get along with it. You see...i know that analysis leads to paralysis, but it's true, all these things, i'm sick of it...why can't guys come up with something more genuine instead of amusing. I'm complaining like a bitch now, but if there was someone decent, i'd get brushed off straight. haha. Okok. :D I have just betrayed my own words of wisdom here, but i do mean it tho. haha
Ah..right now, i need to meet someone spiritual, not in a religious way, but in a way that he can soothe my thoughts and help the energy flow in me properly. Give me the right relaxation, not just sleep. I wanna do the diamond massage, looks fuckin cool, yeah i'll go find it in beverley hills somewhere. So they massage you using 6 million dollars worth of diamonds. Holy fuck. That would be cool, i dunt mind spending for the session if its that fuckin effective. hoolah! Hey the movie 'jatuh cinta lagi' was pretty good for an indo film yknow, they made jkt look like singapore, that's how good it was, or at certain parts...like germany. Yeah it was nice, the setting, the ambience, the idea, the plot, the proffesionalism was quite high, i liked it. Everything was right, just krisdayantis fuckin laugh, she should just laugh silently, it wouldve made the movie much better. she laughs like a fuckin duck. sorry...but she's annoying.
Yknow what songs so sexy? Hotel california-eagle...it's a very meaningful song, like the type of song you need to give you a reason in life. Yknow songs that make you think about positive things, keeps ur mind running properly.
Im fungry write now, so i'm gonna go eat my heart out and just yeah eaaaaaaaaat! I needa get outta home soon or boredom will kill me.
ciao.

cool me down

Sup sunshine?
I've been having some great fun in bali, not the type of fun i used to have, i guess i just appreciate much more of the island than the clubs now..haha. It feels good to hang out by the beach and just fall asleep, it's beautiful. It feels good to just dig your toes into the sand and wash it away at the shore, it just feels good to chill to a tehbotol there, it feels good to learn how to surf and suck so much in it. I suck...haha....i'm really bad when it comes to balancing, but i could stand a few times down to the shore, but shit it was difficult. I respect those who can surf man, my whole body's aching and i have bruises everywhere, it hurts to even walk properly. I'm pmsing now in a way, i kept getting pissed off at myself for nothing, that kind of heat you need to get rid of by just releasing your anger. I have it sometimes. I just had a massage in footish and god it felt so goodddd....i needed one badly anyway. World cups up, france against portugal tonight, now baby that's a good show for the night! I'm not into the world cup but ever since i saw England cryin their asses off, i realized that it was pretty funny, so i took interest. Not that i have anything against them or anything, it just made soccer more entertaining. I hate feeling so weak, especially during my month, i just feel so heated up, so moody, so lazy, so weird..yup. I have no motivation at all, just feel like sleeping for days. There was this interesting guy in bali, he isn't the typical hottie that all the girls fall for, some girls would dig him, some girls wouldn't, i dig his outlook tho...he was mixed i duno what, but he was really yum..he had this nice tattoo across his tummy and fuck it looked real hot. haha. yeah he hot orite. I didn't meet anyone in bali, just a few guys, they were nice, but nah nothing happened, i wasn't into the whole clubbin scene. I wanted to go to the reggae bar i went to with the rest a few years back tapi it was kind of ghetto so ngk berani masuk sendirian gitu. haha...but i was completely in the mood for some bob marley. uggh...udah terlambat nih...
I'm gona go chill with murti and don, those are the two left here, so i'm gonna chill with em and have fun to get rid of this extreme bitchiness in me right now. Hot chocolate ppl?
mwah i love you, totally.

murs comin soooonn

Jakartas been kinda boring lately. I'm waiting for my friends to come down from KL, so thats when working in the office begins. I need to rest....but i haven't been resting that well....i'm tired. hm...i wanna do something cool with my friends, not clubbing if possible, not getting tipsy or drunk if possible, perhaps we can eat some good food together and start laughing about old times. Old times, how i miss it. Really really do. I watched "she's the man" at home, haha its kinda funny surprisingly, the guy Duke's so fuckin hot, like shit...fuckin hot. Thats the only guy me and my sisters agree with...just fuckin hot. haha....i'm in love with trans now.....not the hyperactive ones, just the ones that ease my mind, the ones that make you feel comfortable in life, more like what they play in the lounge. Yknow what's so fuckin wrong? i beat my sister in pool and i won a black label bottle and a lil bita money from q, holy shit dude....i was fuckin lucky! haha..i felt bad tho..i didn't deserve it tho...im fuckin bad in placing and i duno...its hard to focus ur mind to it. i wanna learn how to play golf, hehe.....going to the driving range sometime this week hopefully...if i have time. I'll be working my ass off, so i'm trying to enjoy and get some fresh air before they arrive. ah..shit. Murs comin in two days, i cant wait...she helps me out without even saying anything, just her presence makes me feel comfortable and in place. Makes me feel like i can just be happy all the time without stressing myself out. I'm quite stressed out actually, none of my best friends are here, so i dont really have anyone to turn to about my personal problems. But its nothing big, i just sound dramatic. So before i turn into a drama queen lets just change the subject. There's a company rave i'm goin to this july in singapura, not really looking forward to it in a way....haha....at least im bringing klauds with me....she's a better sister than my youngest sis. My youngest sis is going thru the stage where she loves friends and ignores family, i've been thru that, but i wasn't that much of a bad ass. I didn't smoke. haha. Anywhos....my plan for this week? Unpredictable.
very unpredictable. :D
K im back and i can't fuckin sleep. fuck...i'm getting so moody these days....pms season is over....nothings bothering me except my thoughts. i hate em, they are evil, shit. There's something i wish to challenge in work by this month, but my instincts tell me that no matter how hard i work, i might not achieve it! Hmm..i hat ethis feeling, the feeling of failing without failing just yet. I wish i wasn't so tied down. I need someone to cheer me up, where's everyone when i need em. I wonder why im stressing myself out? dude....there's something wrong with me...i need some hot chocolate to warm me up, to help my mind relax, cuz its been thinking alot. I've been dreaming alot lately...i dreamt that madonna was giving me piano lessons. what the fuck is that yknow? So weird.
Ok ok..i needa break.
im gonna get some fresh air.
adios.

in this place

Hey hey hey, right time for you isn't it. I went to vertigo lastnight, it rocked, i had fun. I'm so weak on drinks now man, shit. I get tipsy so easily now over a few shots of illusions. Shit...its safer not to drink knowing that i'm such a weakling. Life is great so far, haha wuhoo! nah not that great, but i'm handling it like an adult. TIme management is what i lack the most, i need to improve me time schedule. I'd like to have a lovely sunday today, nothing like my sundays in KL, its boring ova there. Here i have my sisters, so i'll prolly go to EX, miss that place gitu loh. Soon will be the IME rave, wuhoooooo.......................ime raves gonna rock! So weird how a company has its own rave huh. It's complete coolness. I'm sorry, my minds not in place, i feel odd. haha. Shit thats funny crap! Yep yep!
k i gotsta bounce now!
blahblah.....love love

in this place

Hey hey hey, right time for you isn't it. I went to vertigo lastnight, it rocked, i had fun. I'm so weak on drinks now man, shit. I get tipsy so easily now over a few shots of illusions. Shit...its safer not to drink knowing that i'm such a weakling. Life is great so far, haha wuhoo! nah not that great, but i'm handling it like an adult. TIme management is what i lack the most, i need to improve me time schedule. I'd like to have a lovely sunday today, nothing like my sundays in KL, its boring ova there. Here i have my sisters, so i'll prolly go to EX, miss that place gitu loh. Soon will be the IME rave, wuhoooooo.......................ime raves gonna rock! So weird how a company has its own rave huh. It's complete coolness. I'm sorry, my minds not in place, i feel odd. haha. Shit thats funny crap! Yep yep!
k i gotsta bounce now!
blahblah.....love love

as good as it gets

As good as it gets, i'm finally writing again. It wasn't too long wasn't it? Right now i'm researching for assignments, thought i could give my mind a break, i feel that it's already deep fried by now. I'm fried mentally. I cannot bear to think about what topic and what bodycopy and whatever shit for my ad. Plus copywriting assignment is just a few days away, a few days is not simple for a storyboard, but if there's one thing i'm good at, i'm good at procrastinating. I've been so lazy these days, i don't fckn get it. I don't. Lazy as in i'm real good at being a couch potato, i'm real good at it, serious. But my mind wants to do everything, my body doesn't react to it, it just lies down dead just like a couch. I am a couch or a bed, always there lazing around. But okay yesterday i woke up early, splashed a cold shower, finished off the evaluation bit, then chilled and etc. I'm not a coffee person, but recently ive been dying for starbucks cafe latte. i duno...i dont want to be addicted or anything. A lil bit of coffee for me is already effective enough to keep me awake throughout the entire day, but a few days ago, it did the complete opposite. I slept like a pig. Like honestly, i had a beautiful sleep, something of which i haven't had in dust years. Damn i want to be able to meet murti sooner or later this month, she's goin to bali (lombok) but i'm goin to bali, and i'm goin to j-town around the end of the month, ahhh i hope we enjoy together in bali mur, i hope we can meet up! Miss you kinkstressku. Um...what else do i have to say? I've been a good girl these days, just that i'm lazy. Man i haven't gone clubbin for such a long time, beer i haven't touched for quite a while, haha.....quite unbelievable isn't it...cuz i used to love beer so much, then i realized after a long ass time that it wasn't worth the gobble. I hate being drunk on beer, everyone knows what happens, i get so slutty, i can't even control myself, my mind gets possessed or something. haha. But seriously, i dont wanna act like that, it's not something to be proud of i would say. And the most i'll get is tipsy, but someone has to take care of me. :D i wanna be tipsy with my best friends. lets all enjoy one night of being tipsy, we'll talk about the funniest things, we'll tease each other, fck each other up, laugh at each other, whatever yknow. i just miss those days. i deserve that after my final exams. Once everythings done then i'll be the host of this best friend gathering. Hey its not gay, it's simply cool. Love you guys....will love you till the day i drop.
kisses to ur lovely cheeks

smile myself to sleep

The dark days kill. But now i'm not in pain, i'm not in the world of boredom. I just need some light. Let there be light during the night. The moon itself is not enough, i'm greedy, i want two more. It's so dark here, i'm at home, im stuck here, i can't go out cuz theyre all asleep. Ppl i call will be asleep. Im not bo red i repeat. im not bored. It feels strange now. Not knowing what to do at this hour, i say to myself, i should actually be bored, although i'm not.
I miss, yes my three best friends, all for different reasons, different moments between each. They are my fairies, they light me up, give me hope to see them during holidays or anytime they are free to take a day off, but most likely is me to take a day off for them. I'd do anything, go anywhere just to support these precious peeps. They are the one, for i love em so, and realized just a year ago. I want to marry all three of them so my loneliness and stress will be cured. It's better to marry all three of em at once than marry just one. Haha joshin.
work, going good so far, dont wanna jinx it, dont wanna jinx anyone in the business. Teamwork is all it takes to support me, i go to get fuckd up so that it would motivate me. They are tough on me, they tell me i dont produce shit or beautiful results, they tell me i'm a loser that has lost already and will never get back up, but i do. I get back up. I'm stronger. i'm bitchier. And i like it just the way life is, uncomfortable.
The daily dramas of fakes, are they really fake? i gv em some credit to make effort to act like somebody else when really they know best that they can't possibly pull it off. But they continue to be fake to twist our minds, to make us pay attention to em. Everyones done this, everyone has had their drama days, they just have to admit it quietly. No one will act out their bad habits on first dates. We should work on being ourselves on first dates. But it's a tough move there.
Im making up for lent, i haven't served my 40 days in years, i feel that i should grow up and suffer..so i'm givin up meat...turkey, chicken, beef, and pork..whatever it is that fulfills my tummy...i choose to sacrifice em for a month plus. I think its the right move.
Beer, no longer my favorite. yes i drink it at times, not more than 3 glasses, you believe me? Or you just wanna say bullshit? I think you'll go with bullshit. But i've given up beer a few months ago...now i guess i've thought so much about how disgusting it is that i no longer love it but get sick from it.
Margarita, defines life, i enjoy sipping every second of the lime and tequilla, it ain't strong. It's a mild drink and it's delicious. It goes well with my thoughts and aids my thoughts to even bigger ones. You wouldn't understand, it just helps.
Stressed out cuz i think too much about nothing. I just picture the worst scenarios that can ever take plc in life and try to invent ways of solvin it. Problem solvin. I kind of have fun, but those are unecessary thoughts to consider, i have enough to think about. And love is not in the list...hot guys or guys are not in the list. Now they do not exist for a bit. I dont want to be attracted to anyone right now. Though its way beyond my control, i just try to control thinkin that i will control.
There's this guy, he's in skul, i dont know him, we see each other, we notice each other. I dont have a crush on him, neither does he have one on me. But someday, i will know him..cuz he looks like he'd make a good friend, someone understanding enough for me. Someone perfect for me. But pride is keeping us away from each other, blocking a great friendship i feel. haha..i know it sounds weird..but i would really want to get to know him. I feel that he could be a best friend in KL. The fact that he's hot doesn't appeal to me, it's just him, his charisma, the way he just looks at me, i like it cuz he's straight forward yet mysterious. i can tell he's sincere. :D cieh... Since my three musketeers are scattered around the globe, i feel i need another musketeer here. :D But no those are just random thoughts, stickin to the control bit. :D
qUESTIONS:
The future, will i fail or be normal or succeed? Will i fall for an ass? will i trip infront of a cool crowd? Will i cry within this week? will i violate my promise? Will i drink beer or margarita? will i make more money? will i argue with my housemate? will i argue or fuck up my friends? will i do well for my presentation? will i see my friends again? will i ever devote my time for someone? will i be more responsible in future? will i get a dopod? will i disappoint myself or them? will i trust more ppl? will i behave properly infront of the p's? will i do a good job of influencing? will i be influenced? All these are just the usual thoughts that pass my mind all at one go. Seems confusing, but we normally have more. I only have a few sentences, normally i have essays of questions in my head to deliver in blogs. But i get stuck n unfortunately, questions are forgotten.
i would love to chill by the lakeside and sip white wine and laugh for nothing.
lets all smile ourselves to sleep. I'll go first.

the nightmare is not being able to sleep

I can't sleep. Fck. I can't sleepp. So i stayed back for a few days, just wanna kick back and relax, visit the office, do my job, get to know some people. Yes...tiesto is coming right back to me again, the lastime i went i stayed for just an hour cuz i was dead sick but now...haha....my sisters dragged me into going again..so i guess i'm gonna have to, kalau masih ada ticket. I'm hungry, i feel like mac and cheese...but nope i can't make that a daily supper habit, it's quite gross actually. I feel that there's so many things to say just that i've been saying the same thing in like nearly every entry. Boredom has come over me. It's all over me. It always comes back to me once i convince myself that it has gone away. It's annoying, i want to get rid of it. It makes me moody, bitchy, and gets me frustrated with the tiniest things. Yes, i'm bored and a lil mad and i can't sleep. How rough can life get huh? Damn i have to do a business memo for global ad and seriously i'm not in the mood. its 2:30am in the morning, i can't sleep n if possible i would like to sleep before 12 but now its impossible. Im used to sleeping early in the morning instead of early at night. Im just not an early person. Maybe its the ocean oil keeping me alert, keeping me so fresh at the wrong hour. But when i wake up in the morning, i'll feel like shit and look like shit and i'll just not want to do anything, i'll stay at home and procrastinate and eat. I hate that, im trying to change that. And i will, slowly. So besides typing here, i'm watching Grey's Anatomy. Its a pretty cool sitcom, keeps me entertained. I just watched transamerica just then, it was pretty touchin and the guy man....fuck he's so damn hot..shit...he's not my type but he's damn straight hot. Watch it, i swear. haha...anyways i spent my entire day at home and thats about it! Now i know what i have a collection of! Other people collect stamps, postcards, etcetera....i collect lighters. Yes yes...and most of the lighters i have are quite cool, they have tiny little flashlights in it. Yeah i collect lighters, how interesting. I need a buy a glass bowl or something and just pour the whole load of em in. they look so pretty. Sooner or later, i'll be giving em away? nah dunt think so, for they are my precious. Murti utami Purbo....i'm so sorry dude, i dont know the rest to the middle name, what was it again? udah lupa...not like i didn't bother to pay attention, i just didn't know, you never really mentioned it to me. Mines easy to memorize. trasilla. haha. So you and joe joe...your american with ocean blue eyes, i'm sure ur relationship gets sexier everyday thru the webcam huh? kan ngk ada any source of entertainment lagi. I duno mur the webcam is not my thing, it scares me and makes me feel fake. Haha mur remember last year when i told this guy online that my name was Cheppibel? haha fuck and what did he say? Men, they are full of it..yeah full of shit. How can they lie about such an ugly name, seriously. But for beautiful ppl like you, yes you can use em properly. :D haha. Kristine, where the hell are you man? i heard u ain't comin back for another year? thats darn long man...and why do i miss you? thats cuz ur the only one in our entire class that i've not seen in ageeeesss....ahh you better reply me butch. Now im blabbering way too much. i'm gonna go and hit my dreamland.
smooches and cuddles.
belek

embrace me, surround me, as the rush comes

I've been listening to deeeeep house music now...the ones that calm you down and make you relax. Something like telepop music. Makes me feel better, also another type of motivation for me. Anyways, i woke up early again, and now it's just 9:30am and i have no idea what to do. Should i go out and shop for groceries or should i just bum around at home and watch desperate housewives? what say you? I say i should go out, but where to? I'm all alone, there's no one to talk to, walking out alone anywhere would be awkward, unless i go to a bookstore and hv a hot chocolate. yes i should. :D oh god, i need my best friends, where are they when i need them? i feel like such a loner here at home, my mums at work and my sisters are schooling. So i guess i shouldn't wake up so early all the time huh? Just recently, i can't stand the fact of lazing around at home, i just gotta get out even if i didn't get enough sleep. But what am i still doin at home? Ahh nanti aja deh abis mandi then i'll ciao. Shit its my mid sem break now, sooner or later...exams will come in and thats when i'll start to get bitchy. I can't wait till bali, can't wait. i just wanna relax far faraway in seminyak or ubud or jimbaran, one of those cozy resorts and just relaxxx. I'm kind of sick of kuta kuta kuta, its too busy, not what i need at the momenttttt. Yes a vacation after i go through mid term and final exams. Ahhh...i just hate projects, they drive mmeeee crazzzzyyyyyy! But yeah in the end, i'm stupid enough to do it.
As for my love life, im not involved with anyone sama sekali. More like i dont want to, if possible i want to get over guys right now. Anyone i used to like, i wanna get over. I just get confused these days, i'm too tired to be in another relationship for now.....when i like someone now..i wanna like them seriously and i want to be able to be a good girlfriend. Cuz if i keep fuckin it up, i duno it just really sucks. Right now i dont know how to feel or what to feel, i just know its not the right time to settle, i just wanna be single right now. So i can enjoy nights with my gfs, so i can focus more on my life instead of having to argue and explain in order to be trusted. Relationships, ahhh...theyre a killer really. I watch all my friends cry infront of me cuz their bfs treat em like shit and i was thinking to myself, why the fuck are they still with their bfs? They're such asswipes, i mean seriously i would just dump em right away. And fuck i wouldn't cry for a guy unless its worth it, don't they fuckin get the word "pride"? I mean ya too much of it is not so good, but you gotta have a lil at least. Stupid girlfriends i have. I feel that we're fated to meet because shit..i'm always dealing with their probs til i forget about my own. Im taking my break away from all the babysitting. Anyways...i almost forgot, i have assignments to do, so im gonna go right about now.
Miss you love
cocktail belly :D

no desire to..

I dont really like beer anymore but yes sometimes i do get caught up in one of those moods where i just release all my stress by drinkin. But that was ages ago, felt like i haven't done it in a long time. I dont intend to either. So for the past few months i haven't been drinking more than 4 bottles of beer in clubs? And when i club now, i sit around, or stand around, doing nothing. There's nothing to do. haha. Lastnight i was forced by my little bitchy sister to go to BLISS for some international school thing...it was boring, there were a crowd of kids there. hmmph. But i met waynus, he was MC'ing for the night, so adorable and nice to hug cuz he's so empuk. :D Yeah well, i haven't been doin much, i just went to carita today to chill and eat some good seafood but it was raining so i couldn't tan or swim. So we got bored and just drove back home.
I haven't been having cool dreams lately, yknow those dreams that make you smile when you sleep even if you haven't seen yourself asleep smiling, but you just know it? Yeah those dreams are awesome, makes me feel better when i wake up. Lastnight i dreamt about a jungle or something so when i woke up, i looked up at the ceiling and there were all these plants growing on it. weird..the fact that i really woke up and it wasn't a dream, guess i brought my dream to life for a few seconds there before it slowly faded away into the darkness. i think it explains confusion, how i'm lost and i don't really know where i wanna be or where i'm at in life, that kinda thing. I'm not really good when it comes to analyzing my own dreams. I don't have a lot to write now, call me boring, but i'm exhausted and i need some good ass sleep so yeah i better get going.
goodnight.

beautiful mornin'

Hey blog,yeah long time no see, i haven't really been blogging that much cuz i've been busy with my life, just like everyone is with theirs. As far as work goes, im improving. Skulwork? Exams are comin in sooner or later. But i'm doing alright. At this point of time, i can say i'm tired, really i am. But no matter how tired, i ain't givin up. The first drag of the day is the best, dont you think? I know alot of smokers do. I cut down though by quite a lot. Lastnight was Don's bday party, she had how many flamings and forced me to drink a shot of tequilla with her. Tequilla, it used to be my thing, but after nearly a year of not shooting a single shot, i feel like it's a new drink all over again. And so i had one shot, didn't feel good and didn't taste good but it did warm me up since the place was so cold. Shit i dont/can't drink as much as i used to, i don't know whether it's sad or better for me? At times it could be both. Damn, i have plenty of assignments to do but you were the first one i woke up to and its been quite a while, so just write. I haven't really been hanging out with my mum cuz she's such a busy woman and she wakes up early all the time, so for the past two days i've been waking up at 7 am on purpose just so i can see her and say good morning. I guess the people that matter most to you only matter to you when you're faraway to bother to matter. Yeah yeah. It's a beautiful mornin man....i had a healthy healthy breakfast. xD i wanna go wakeboarding! I dont care if i'll fall flat on my face again, haha, that hurt like a bitch but shit it was pure fun! I wanna take my sisters there.
ok see you. lets enjoy the day shall we.
mwah.

fun is dying. Work is multiplying.

Dear blog,
i've been really busy with school work and work. And i can't stand people who won't stop leaving people that don't give a shit about them alone. It's truly annoying, don't they feel it? I mean imagine someone who blogs but cares about other people's blogs...and cares about how boring it is. Blogs are meant to be boring anyway....when we're bored, we write boring things. It depends on us. So i've been working part time..and it's going great so far..just that maybe i'm slowing down a bit due to school. I have tons of assignments and i have alot of poetry going on and i'm not quite the emotional kind of person that would jot down all her deep thoughts into that empty paper. that's not me. I try and i might share it with you but maybe a bit later. It feels wrong to show it. haha. So this semester i've been really busy that one of my friends asked me to stop and smell the roses. I am doing so today...i'm relaxing, chilling....thinking. I have to stop thinking about what would happen to me. Thinking is negative, it ruins you..makes you incapable, weakens you. Ok ok. So i'm gonna go play monopoly later and try to beat that bitch, joyce cuz she's been winning since forever. Anyways i wish i went back to club med, it was beautiful..the guys were yummy, the beach was windy and it felt so good tanning, the people were so friendly, you don't get that everywhere. At first it felt kind of odd cuz it didn't feel like any country, felt like heaven. like another world. Relationships? Nah i'm not settling for that anytime soon..just not now...not yet. I'm too lazy to fuck it up and i'm too lazy to fix it up...and most of all i'm too lazy to be someones girlfriend. It's tiring. But yeah life's been tiring for me...but all that tiredness will soon subside when the fire starts rolling in. Just not for today, today i need no fire..i need to relax and go plunge in the pool or something...I need to eat fruits and be healthy. Smoking? I've cut down already...it's amazing....i dont even feel like smoking that much anymore. It's good. Clubbing? not much at all. :D I just dont feel like shaking my booty on the dancefloor with gfs anymore..i dont feel like drinking so much and getting drunk anymore..i just want to chill at a lounge and sip on wine or just have a proper glass of beer. I think i'm slowing down, the energy and fun has died down. I dunt even know if its a good thing or not...but for once in my life it feels right. I'm not saying i won't do these things again..i might..but i dont have the urge to. get it? Aw..i miss my triple shits...the three people who cheer me up...they dont even have to cheer me up, they just have to call me names and i'll start laughing. I'm easy. Sometimes i feel like i do need a guy to cheer me up or be by my side....i guess i feel insecure sometimes, no matter how tough i try to act..im not tough, i'm damn weak. I guess i have a habit of hiding things...i never express enough..but so far i'm slowly letting it go. Slowly having some faith in others..slowly trusting them. Anyways i gotta go right now....gotta live the life, gotta monopolize monopoly.

my pwecious!

Life's aite. Ive been stressed out, actually i say that all the time. Im sick of people that just want to act smart, such as story me..but lets leave whoever he or she is...he doesn't exist. I've been juggling work and studies and so far its been juggled properly, i just have to wait till they both get tangled and i cant cope up wtih both. There's no such thing as being perfect in both fields. So i hve to choose one. hmm...depends tho. I need my highschool friends to be around me, i've been feeling quite down these days, not knowing what to do, thinking about my own future, thinking whether i could ever trust someone again, thinking about my best friends, thinking about everyone that matters to me. Clubbing? You'd be surprised..i cut down shit loads. The only time i went clubbin was a few days ago cuz of my friends bday, but other than that, not even in my mind. Oh ya happy birthday jason! U da bomb! haha...okay i better leave now. I want murti..i want jason..i want kristine. I want them all....to be here...i want them here..right now! It sucks to suffer yknow. I hate my life..haha okay i wouldn't say that...i dont hate my life..but i wish the precious moments were frozen so i could just go back to it...play it in my head or see it with my own eyes over and over again. And why am i being so dramatic? Enough! haha...i dont wanna copy murti after the greens...mbak tuh sangat sok dramatis tau ngk... Yois. haha..yknow what happend just now..some guy in skew came up to me and he knew my name...and asked for me digits..and i didn't even recognize him mann...so he was trying to explain how he knew me...and how we used to be friends..i was like what?! Hell no! dude, that was the scariest shit eva...who does that? its sad. Its either im forgetful n he really knows me? or its either he's forgetful and has mistaken me for somebody else. perhaps perhaps. Okay people....blog.....story me...i wont ignore you..but i will say bye to ala y'all. Bye!? :D

Story me---ur such a smart ass.

Whoever you are story me, why dont you just fuck off? Im telling you in a nice way. Childish of me to delete ur comment...yes..maybe but i dont even know you and ur not even a friend of mine so why do you care to read my blog? Ify ou have problems wtih me well then just leave me alone. I dont even know you. And yes i act liek a kid, i admit it..wats so bad about it? You act like a kid too..bothering about your comments being deleted is such a small thing. Ur seriously disturbed. Seriously. So you can fuck off my page and discontinue to read my blogs..if its so boring or if its too childish for you. So wahtever i do or say...or write in this blog..is about my life..even my best friends dont give a fuck like you do. So go give a fuck on ur own blog. tata.

a kid?

Anyways, im at the airport now, decided to waste my time online and writing to you instead of just smoking the boredom away. Well i've been reading this book entitled "Jakarta Undercover", im halfway now but i have the right to say that it rocks! You guys should read it...fellow jakartans...read it! It's a must! All the stuff you wanna know about the underground nightlife and expensive call girls and even to sashimi sex. Imagine all that in Jkt..all hidden from us and i'm 19 now and i've never actually understood the real nightlife until i read this book. I'm trying not to be too much of a bitch, i've been bitching at mum cuz she's been annoying and she treats me like a kid, of which i am actually, but still, teenagers hate to be treated this way, makes them feel so useless. So i got pissd and now that she left me alone and dropd me off, i feel like i miss her and i regret bitchin at her. I dont wanna leave jakarta, but i guess ihave to...i've been chillin with my sisters everyday, i'm going to miss them. i think the more you see em, you'll miss em more when ur away cuz you're living, eating, joking around with them 24/7..its tough to just let go and fly away. I'm not used to missin people around me but most of my friends are overseas and i'm hte one always comin back to jkt when i miss it. I just can't stand not comin back sometimes. When friends in KL dont give me the friendship i need..i go back...when i just can't stand the people around and theres too many problems to stress about...i end up goin to a travel agent to book the first flight back home. That was months ago though, i have to leave..i have to study and i have to work and all that takes place in KL. I dont know where i'll live in the future..i dont wanna be faraway from home dats fo sho..but i also wanna be faraway from home...i wanna get out of here and go someplace else. I know i'll always come back, no doubt about that. Okay i guess i gotsta be goin now dude... i have to board soon.
mwah

goodmorning sunshine! :D

Ahh what a day, what a day, what a beautiful day. Cieh sok dramatis gini kan mur? i better stop. Nah well i have no plans for today, it's a blank day, but i have a feeling that it'll be a good day, and i have a feeling that i won't get bitchy today. haha. Anyways i really dont know what to do here in jkt, i went clubbing lastnight, it was ok, drank a shiz load of beer but i got sick of it. Then klaudia got drunk and started pukin so we had to go home, she was with her soon-to-be boy. haha......anyways he helped alot, i hope she sees that in him. I talked to him personally this morning for like 3 hours, telling me about his life story and experiences through relationships and what his problems are. Just doing my job as a big sis, he's much older than Klauds man. hmm..no choice, but so far he's a nice guy. I won't judge before not knowing much of him. Yea anywhos....i wanna have a decent day today, got some shit to do for work and then i want good dinner.
gbye

why does shit happen? its so annoying.

Tell me the truth, why does shit happen? One minute you feel like ur completely happy, then when something happens in between that happy moment, something else can bring u down. I hate moments, cuz they don't last forever. If only they could. If they lasted forever, it would be great for now. Not like i want everything perfect in life, i just want to be happy. Just that these past few weeks i haven't been, i've been stressing myself out, even after a massage, i still stressed my ownself out. It's like nothing works. beer doesn't even work and it's starting to disgust me. And i just drank some. To hell with beer...i hate it and love it. We have a love-hate relationship. And in the end i drink some of it while i hate the shit out of it. Hmm...im weird..i know. People have informed me about that. I don't care. At least im not trying to be fake. Ahh fuck i'm so frustrated...i smoked two packs of cigs. I'm so annoyed..i feel so ugggh. yeah. My dreams and desires? hmm..right now i would like an x5, nope not tell my daddy to buy it for me, buy it with my own money, the money i earn. Its a different feeling and i can't wait for it. I think tis the perfect car for me to drive around, it's big, spacious, and it's elegant. My type. Another choice would be the 6 series. I've always had a thing for evo's though, they're cheap but they're hot!! If you ask me about my love life? It feels like its been ages since i've had a boyfriend, it's like i find myself so selfish and wrong in relationships, i needa improve myself. Understand the guys more instead of always trying to be right. I have to do that. If only i could take a day off and get the hell away from here, but as much as i want to i can't...i gotta commit to these things. I gotta make it before i get away from it. hmmm......now i dont think i want to venture into any relationships, i'm not in the mood, i know i'll fuck it up, i always do. So im not prepared to fuck up again, i wanna improve myself. I just dont see myself in a relationship for a bit...i need some space to think things through and to really sort out my life. I dont want any guys either, but who am i to say that right? I can't judge my future? wHO KNOWS all these plans might fail on me? Who knows i'll meet someone sweet, someone that shows he cares for me and i'll be stupid enuf to fall for it? I duno. But i dont wanna think of that now. I was just passing thru kristines blog and it says on her caption "i love being a kid". Dats right! I love being a kid too, i wanna be one right now...so that i can go around celebrating like there's no tomoro, so i can go around parading like i dont give a fuck, so i dont have to work, so i dont have to study, so i dont have problems and so that i can just be silly and not really care and give a damn about what ppl think...so i wont be judged, so they would just think of me as a kid that wants to have fun. Basically, so i can do everything and be satisfied instantly. It's cool. i'm jealous of kids, i wanna be them..i wanna take their place. I wanna cook, i wanna do so many things! Shit....it does happen. haha. My mind has so many things to say today huh...its mainly complaints about my life all over again, just like what i've written in hte other past entries when i met the same mood. its me..the bitchy me..all over again. You bloggers must be bored of this blogger huh...well i write to let it all out..i write to pass my time, i write to read back on how i felt and how stupid i was or how smart i was? haha no im not smart..can never be. Just wasn't born with the talent. haha. I just write cuz i feel like it, i mean its nice to look back on what you've written adn think to urself "wow shit like that did happen or wow..some great shit happend in ur life or wow...ur just pathetic" i just think about all that. i question alot, i'm inquisitive, im nosey..and i like myself this way instead of just lazing around and watching tv, at least i have found some entertainment of which involves my thoughts, needs, priorities, shittiness, stuff like that. Man i remember one time this kid told me "ur pathetic" shit man..like imagine how i felt..i felt like shit. haha. Then i decided to do more things and take interest in new hobbies. I duno that kid actually kinda saved me. I thank him..haha. I dont wanna go back to those days of a geek. I dont wanna be called a dork, i dont want ppl to diss me so badly and tell me i look like crap. That happend in 6th grade, clear memory lasts in me till now. Yeah those days, its actually funny when i think of it. Really is. Can't imagine im 19 now, what am i gonna do before i turn 20? I have to do so many things, achieve so many things, set new priorities and get em straightened! So i can breathe, so i can live, and so i wont feel so old...so i would feel as if i've done so many things at such a young age..thats the life i want. Ahh marriage? that word is so strong it scares me. I'm not afraid to get married, i'm just afraid what will happen during the marriage, will i be shitty? Most likely, it will be me committing the wrongs. Its always been me, just that i've always won and victory is not so great when you don't deserve it. I feel like ive written in like a million pages..i should put an end to this now. Good bye you folks out there that has bothered enough to read all this..i thank ala yall, sorry that my entries really dont kill ur boredom, its not meant for that. Mwah..i miss you my murti and my kristine and my gay jason.
i love

wishes, wishes 06, how i wish.

* i wish life wasn't a game and that it would just be direct with us.

*i wish there weren't so many assholes in this world.

*i wish there was somebody out there that could understand me more than i understand me.

*I wish i could drink coffee the way i drink tea

*I wish i could drink everything else the way i drink my beer.

*I wish love would be like and like would be love.

*I wish i could visit all my friends in just one day.

*I wish i could trust guys more, understand em more.

*i wish that i don't get easily agitated

*i wish that the sky was the ground and the ground was the sky

*i wish my relationships would last longer

*i wish i would stay really focused on me job and school work.

*i wish what i wish

*i wish i didn't have to think

das all folks. love off.

how it went.

Normal girl lives her normal life i guess. My birthday was alright, went to poppys garden, celebrated with Jude since his bday was on the 16th, so yeah it rocked pretty much. And yeah i drank alotta beer and das about it. Just beer beer beer all the way, doesn't it get borin? No i've been drinkin so much beer that sooner or later it will become my skyjuice. Soon it will be a beverage i wake up to every morning. That's gross but nah i can control that bit. Im no alcoholic. Im goin back to JKT again, i'm drained today, i feel gross and tired. The worst feeling ever. I joined a dance competition lastnight and it was so funny. Nope i didn't win, haha this fat chick won, i guess it was her birthday so she deserved it and they judge by the crowds applause. It ws fun. I hate SKOL beer, hate it! 3rd best in the world my ass, i wouldn't put it third best. issh. Life? Has been pretty hectic for me, i have to work and i missed out when i went home for nearly a month, and school's starting which is gonna be fuckin tiring for me. I'm up for it, up for the challenge to balance both my work and school work. I want to be good at both, nothing's gonna distract me. haha. So this time when i go back to jkt, i'm gonna work my ass off. i'm gonna work! I just hate how home sweet home really means home sweet home, i mean i can't treat it like a freakin office. And so i end up eating, sleeping, watching tv, all the characteristics of a couch potatoe, its all in me. I'm a fat LAZY potatoe. I have to stop all this. I've been good so far, i cut down on cigs! haha im goin gfor like 10 a day first. I hate how ppl can just quit like that, makes me feel like the ultimate loser. Like i'm so weak and i don't have any willpower planted in me. I need to stop. The word stop is not tough enough, i need something tougher than that for motivation. Im gonna eat a fruit salad, delifrance is like 10 meters away, time for me to get healthy and stop smoking. haha. Aw shit.
anyways bloggy, i gotta go now. will update soon.

beer drinka

Haha its been a long time since i've taken valium until donna distributed it to people the other day. so this is what i wrote when i came home a lil high on v and beer. it's so stupid but i dont mind postin it.
A few days ago i wrote:
"Great valium gobbled down with golden sizzling beer. I'm feeling the val, it's slowing me down, slowing me down good. I'm feeling it more as i lie down on my cozy bed. I'm cozy as fuck, its beautiful, and for the very first time in jakarta this hol, i feel relaxed and happy. But i keep all the happiness to myself as i am selfish to share it or show it off to the others. my body no longer aches it just wants to go home to bed and tuck itself under a warm cotton blanket. That's what it wants. My mind, on the other hand has a humongous urge to feast on a borobudur buffet, wanting all the sashimi there is on the platter, wanting it bad. Vision is blurry, mind is filled with vague thoughts to attend to. I am going off now, need to shut down my system, need to freshen it up for later. Goodnite and please i beg you, give me the dream i want, a hopeless aspiration that i'll try to make possible. I'll make it work. A good day, a goodnight."
For some reason it doesn't sound like me huh..but i'm stuck here in jkt..without a journal to write on, so i'm writing in my highschool homework book, it's some old school shit i had stashed underneath a buncha books. Haha i've been bored as fuck here not knowing what to do. Friends are all busy with other friends and me? i have no other friends to get busy with. I'm the perfect loner. haha ngk begitu parah tapi emang bener kok. I love jakarta to shits but without the crowd, there's no fun, even if ur in a fancy place. You have no fun friends to chillax and enjoy the place with you. Shit i really wanna go to a bookstore..i needa get books but its either i end up shopping or eating then i'll be too lazy by then. i wanna read memoirs of a geisha and i wanna read it before i watch it. But i guess that's impossible huh. I just wanna drive alone today..wanna do everything alone, so people won't like drift me off someplace else and ruin my so-called plans. i wanna do so many things, i wanna read, i wanna cook, i wanna shop, i wanna write, i wanna watch, i wanna eat, i wanna chill. I wanna drink. haha shit i have to stop drinking beer man..i always drink beer..the golden tequilla shots are over...once i sniff the shot glass of tequilla..i immediately get turned off..i get disgusted and i just can't even sip it. it tastes awful. I dont know why i used to love shootin it. So now i'm a beer person obviously, i've been drinking beer nearly everyday, its pathetic. I feel like such a fat asshole. Yknow those disgusting old men that get drunk in the afternoons? Ahh...its gross really. Wow i'm pretty talkative today...i have a talkative mind right now. it has so much to say. But i better give it some rest. anyways....i'ma bounce now. gonna watch tv. Fuck im an official couch potatoe. Seriously when i come home, there's always food served on the table, so here i am just snacking a lil..then eating a whole meal. Ahh...dont give a shit..if im fated to get fat..then im fated to get fat. Can't fight it or can i? haha shit i'll stop. bye..im hungry..gonna steal the food away from my skinny sisters. ahh no wonder they're skinny....i always seem to grab most of the food. cuuuuuu
mwah mwah

sooon i will be old.,

Okay well my cousins wedding was funny. My dad and all my uncles got drunk, cousins too. It was a nice gathering, haven't had that family type of feeling in a while. I was freezing like a bitch due to the damn ac but yet after a few toasts of red wine here and there...the warmth came kickin in. I'm actually happy today...i dont know why...everything was perfect...it was a good day..a sunny day. I went to church today and i helped out as the receptionist...collecting all the red packets filled with jewelry and all the dough from the guests. I was a guest to..i donated some money for my cousin. haha..damn the bride was just beautiful...she spilled wine on her white gown but still..she rocked in it. She rocked today! I met all the cousins i missed..i met all my nieces and they're just gettin prettier...they're gona be hot when they grow up. its guaranteed. I was at church today..normally i wouldn't wanna go but today i enjoyed it...i love how there's a long flight of stairs as u go up...and i love how the breeze just helps you push urself up the stairs..it happened to me...haha. I know it sounds a lil weird or lame..but i am lame and i'm telling the truth, the wind actually led me to that direction. It's nice meeting family and everything.....it really is..ive almost forgotten how it feels to have a complete family. i was busy entertaining my relatives and having fun when suddenly out of the blue this guy approached me and just gave me a rose..so movie like huh? But it was so sweet tho..no ones ever done that to me. haha. And i dont even know who he is..prolly not related to me anyway. Little things such as this..can just lighten up my day. Ahh i miss my friends...i miss murti and kristine and jason..where the hell are they..why aren't they here with me now..why!!! ahhh i better stop nagging or else i'll turn old. I am turning 19 tho...wonder what life has prepared for me. I hope for a cool ride this year....cuz soon i'll be 20. I want to enjoy my last year of being a teenager. I dont want to always get pissed and bitchy at ppl..i wanna be nice and friendly :D
okay times up...i gotta go to sleep..a long day for me tomoro.
mwahhhh...

january 1st

Happy new years day! I celebrated this so called event in Arty's apartement in Kemang. It was pretty fun, after that we went to have some dimsum. Anyways i broke up with sebastian, things didn't really work out well between us. i guess i just felt that we didn't click that much. There are just some ppl you can click with and sometimes with others you don't. Man i've been drinking beer everyday, the bintang beer in my fridge that was stockd up is now GONE actually. my sisters aren't here with me but its aight, they're growing up, they got their own friends.
anyways gnite, i'm getn bitten by mosquitoes. This is a new year...i will definitely set my own new year resolutions!
GNITE. me tired.

jakarto0

yes, i've met all my friends. But for some reason christmas this year didn't feel so christmassy. I get bored every single day the second i wake up from bed. It's boring, boring, boring. Like there's no spice to life here...all my friends are here, but they're all spending time with their families and they're much toooooo busy to chill and drink with me. I'm just bored i guess. I dont know whats up this hol. I feel like leaving early cuz there are no new cooool ass plces to go....its like everyones just gone. Old times have changed in just a matter of a few months. Ahh...but its aite for me though, i try to keep up with the boredom, try to freshen up and enjoy my day. But it just seems so dull, every place is slowly changing, the people are changing, and life here has already changed for me. And this year i wont be going to bali cuz well no ones going...yep yep...none of my friends are going and um....i dont see a point to go. As much as i wanna enjoy tanning and shit like that....i can't possibly be doing all that alone, i need the fun crowd. Well today was aight though, wasn't that boring...i went to kemang to chill trus went back home and smoked up with mur and abs...we got a lil high, mur started laughing at unfunny stuff which came out as funny to me so i joined in with her tsunami laughter. Duno what the fuck im talking about but yeah..thats how i'll explain it to you for now. im so irresponsible this year with xmas gifts..ahh i didn't even make cards..i didn't even bother to. And murs already in the process of making my card...she shows much more effort than i do. I have to make cards, please give me the motivation, someone! I'm so confused with what i want in life.....i just hate it that i can't express myself properly, i always leave ppl hanging when i talk about my personal problems. I keep it all in. Im immuned to all these secrets cuz well i keep it in for so long that sometimes they're buried real deep in me and i kinda forget about it. Anyways im off..real tired and today i'm goin shopppiiing for the peeps i forgot to shop for. haha...gnite.
mwah mwah

Its a nice wednesday.

Dear you blogster,
ahh life seems alright these days, it really has. I've been sleeping at least at 4am..but thats aight compared to sleeping only in the afternoon. Well recently i've been meeting this guy, i met him at ghetto heaven, he's a really nice guy and his name's Sebastian. I dunt know why i'm attracted to him but i guess there's this charm about him das hard to resist. Yeah so i met him about 2 weeks ago and now we're in a relationship. I dont know how long it will last...but whatever it is...at least it's not long distance. Cuz no matter how much i like the person, my long distance relationships seem to fuck up. Yeah seems like LD relationships weren't meant for a gal like me. Not like i'm a player, i don't play and i have never cheated on any one of my x boyfriends. Yes they've cheated on me, but who cares, it's their fault or maybe mine for being an awful girlfriend? I'm not surprised anyway, i feel that i treat guys like shit...i try to improve myself..but it just doesn't work out. Either the guys are much too annoying or i'm just easily annoyed. Nevermind that shit anyway. I haven't been doing much recently, just been chillin and stuff with friends and a few days ago when murti was here, i took the initiative of taking her around KL despite of my work. Yeah i dont think i was a really good host there, feel bad, needa make it up to her when i go back to Jakarta. I bought her a cool gift anyways. :D haha. well its cool to me...so i duno if she'll think its cool. haha...i duno whats wrong with me, bodys been aching like a bitch man...and i had a really nice professional massage lastnite from sebas..felt good and now this back problems actually recoverin :D. Okay well toodles...gotta go shower. mwahhhhhzzz...

exhaustion x(

Ahhh my backs aching and my legs are aching...shit i was stuffed in the car for like 4 straight hours and damn didn't feel good. Didn't go to penang, didn't tan the shit outta maself. I just went to JB, back to me hometown, felt goooood..i had funnn...even if it was just a one night stay..i shopd shiz loads.
Oh yeah these past few days have beeen fun...damn i lost to this guy in pool lastnight, i was fuckn tipsy and i couldn't hit anythang in. I lost infront of a big ass crowd. damn i better be sober nextime. Keep telling myself that. Anyways...damn im aching everywhere, not good not good. ahh im gonna ciao now and get some rest..feeln tired and just recovered from a bad hangover.
till then...mwah

He smokes sexily.

This guy, i dont know who, a stranger to my eye, someone i dont know....looks so fuckn hot when he smokes. Like i was just watching him take a smoke and he looked so good. The ironic thing is that he ain't good looking, he just looks sexy when he smokes. It's amazing how guys can just blind you like that. I mean an ugly guy could look cool playing a guitar. Happened to me once, had a crush on a guy when he was slammin on his guitar. I was like Fuck..that is what you call hotness. Didn't do much today, met up with Indran in chinoz...basically just got to know that guy actually, he seems nice and very experienced in the business world, especially when it comes to construction and stuff that my ears are complete virgins to. Then i met aaron in d'haven, seems like a nice guy as well.....met him thru ethan. I had a loooong day....i had 3 heinekens just then and it felt good, now beer has become my skyjuice. Ihh..but im not that gross though, i don't wake up in the morning and look for beer instead of fresh milk. I drink milk thank you. Ooo dat sounded nasty. I drink australian milk, haha fuck i better stop..it sounds sick already. I'm just saying that im not an alcoholic, and i do not intend to become one in the mere future. I'm going clubbing again in zouk tonight, since it's ladies night, i wanna see if my hot guys there and if he is yknow what will happen? Nothing, as usual. Nothing happens if you rely on me to make the move, cuz i have no moves and i don't make moves. I wish i could, but that would make me seem like i'm desperate, which i'm not. These days i've been so busy with work, trying to do my job properly and efficiently, sometimes i end up fuckn the whole plan up, sometimes i have great news, so those are the ups and downs of bellies life. hehe.Mummy's coming in two days..i can't wait to tan the shit outta myself....can't wait! I better lose weight too! I feel like a fat ass during my bulan. hehe..my tummy gets all bloated and i have odd cramps here and there, just not a good feeling for a girl like me. I can't afford to get sick (oh btw coughs gone) so yeah i needa work first before i pulang to indoooooo. isssh. Damn right now, what i have just realized after meeting several guys, i don't want to be in a relationship at all! i wanna focus on me job, me futa! I need space basically, i don't want all that romantic crap to happen to me. That's the last thing i need now...but okay okay i dont mean to sound so tough but i really need to avoid all that, it could distract me or someone could get hurt. And i dont wanna hurt nobody...or get hurt or get disturbed. I just need a break, a big one to sort my life out. Ahhh....any james blakes around? If so, can you please take me out on a date? haha....:D No i'm not obsessed with him, i just find that guy fuckn hot. Okay i better get going now. i'm tired. It's been a hellava long day.
mwah mwah.

me druggy? hell no!

I had fun today talking to leon, tim, and the others. It's funny how they used to be little naughty boys and now they're successful people. It is funny. Basically, yes my sleeping pattern is fucked but i seriously can't help it...it's hard to rearrange the whole shit. And i'll be going clubbin tonight and tomoro since my friends invited...and i have P's to meet. So yeah i guess i have to go anyway. I wanna go to poppy's garden! Im startin to love that place, seriously! Just like the atmosphere and the sight, alotta hot people there. hehe :D I miss klaudia man, duno why she seems to be bored in jakarta, without me..haha cieh. Yeah i'm so entertaining, i'm such a cool sister. haha ngk ah...anyways my month has come and i haven't really been pmsing, normally i pms like a bitch, people can't even stand me! Ahhh no idea why i write here sometimes. Why the hell do people seem to think that i'm somewhat a druggy? Fuck i'm nothing close to that..i don't even pop! I don't even take weed these days..i only smoke up when i'm with donna and the crew, das all..and that's like every trip back to jakarta. But in Kl, i'm such a good girl..haha. Well i do go clubbin but i only drink my heineken so what's so wrong with that kan...the way people misjudge me, it's cruel. All ye ppl out there, stop thinking of me this way ok. I'm clean! The thought of me as a druggie just sounds awful, it makes me sound like such a brainless and useless pieca shit. I don't want that do i..hell no! My iguanas getting smart...since i bought that UV light thing for him, he can actuallly jump on it from his massive wooden logs and climb up to the top where there are tiny little holes he can escape from. He went missing before, not gonna let it happen again man. Thank god marshall found him for me, or else...i'd be devastated. I don't have a dog here, so he's the second closest to my alaska. Haha altho it's a reptile, so what..still kept as a pet. Fark..i'm getting really ssssllleeeeeppppppyyyy...better gather some energy for later....i've got some work to do!!!! :D
gnite

poppys garden is quite the poppy plc.

Went to poppys lastnight, had some fun, had like 7 glasses of beer and peter was like my only companion for the entire night, since the others were getting busy. Man i never get busy wtih a guy, dunt intend to and i'm a lazy actually.
fuk i'm gaining weight again, i can't stand it, when i see food, i just attack it before the others have a chance to grab hold of their utensils. i'm such a pig. i swear. isssshh. can't stand it, its scaring me, the way i eat..i should seriously exercise! This has been a big disturbance to me. Anyways poppys was awesome, the place is awesome, the crowds awesome, we were situated beside a table of hotties, like ohmyfuck..they were all fuckn gorgeous males with gorgeous females, yes yes, which is why i diddn't hit on any of em. heheh. nah...i wasn't really interested anyways, they were sorta up themselves, so i just didn't wanna look anymore. haha. But i met a few people and it was aite..it was pretty cool actually. You have to be like 21 above to get in, thank god for my tembak drivers license..hahahha..luckay may. Man im missing jkt..i'm missing my mummy, i have to jemput her from the bandara at like 925am this friday then we're gonna go to penang and that's where i'm gonna tan yo! oooooooohhh yeah. i wanna tan so bad..i miss playing with water and all the splish splashing around, all those days just seem so (sigh) fffuun. I dunt know but right now i'm just not into anybody, no one, telur, kosong, flat zero, what should i say..the big empty egg. I just dunt dig any guys..i see hotties here and there, but their hotness doesn't affect me,i dont' know if its a good thing or not and NOOOO i dont dig girls...girls aren't interesting, i know what girls have and it's not what i want, trust may. hehe...i'm a chicka. Fuck damien man...everytime we argue he can only call me a bencong so that way i'll fuckn shut the hell up. issssh.....one day i'll yell out 'tits' across the office entrance and it'll be permanently labelled on his forehead. fuckn tits. hehe..:p He makes me feel like i really am a she-male..like fuck that dude man...one day i'll kick his bloody bencong arse. If i want to be in a relationship, it'll take time cuz thats not what i'm looking for now, i want to be single for the mean time and if possible when someoen decent drops by, i wouldn't mind. Just no more long distance relationships for me please...its tough for both sides newhos. Ahhh i dont wanna think about anything else, i just needa work hard..sleep earlier...wake up earlier...do things in advanced so i have time to take care of myself. Like fuck man i had a fever so i popd in like a panadol and had too much cough syrup so thats where its fuckd up....i started to hear things in my head, but it sounded as if i was hearing it directly from my ears. Like a voice was saying "kwistabel, kwistabel.." that was creepy. But ahh i dont believe in stuff like that, i just think i overdosed myself on that cough syrup. Fuk man miss everybody here, needa hug. I'm so bored right now and so fuckn lonely, i dont' wanna go to sleep, i dont wanna go out. i dont know what to do. But i'm happy cuz my lil baby iguana got fat yo! Yeah! I think its been eating its own shit cuz i was worried about not feeding him anything, since i haven't been around much at home lately. Haven't had the time to feed me baby. But is all good.
Anyways i better jet off since i'm getting a lil too talkative here. issh.

sleeping pattern, not good.

Issh my sleeping patterns fuckd up! Seriously! I wake up at like 6pm? then i head to the office and then i go chill out and stuff...then come home at this hour....6am. It sux railly. hehe...anyways im looking forward to finnegans! Wuhoo! But i dont think i'll drink too much, don't intend to get tipsy or drunk again...ooh thats bad. I need to come home early and wake up early. I need to exercise,i need to do so many things! That's it, one of these days i'm gonna wake up and force myself to jog by the lakeside alone if nobody wants to join me. hehe...then i'll go relax and swim at night..sounds like a good plan, that way i can focus more in life, once everythings organized. Tis just much better. Yay murti's gonna visit me soon! Yeay can't wait, can't wait..miss her like shit mon. I miss ala em like shit. huhu. Anyways i better go now....i'm getting real stoned due to the magical cough syrup i gobbled down my throat. I'm sick, yup yup...but a girls gotta have fun kan? i can't stand staying at home..makes me feel pathetic cuz i have better things to do other than laze around and do nothing. ahhh...but i'm glad i'm pretty occupied these days, i'm trying to keep up with work the way i keep up with final exams. hahah..okay i better sleep my ass off now. cu!

i can't sleep, why is that?

Okay what the fuck is wrong with me?! It's like 835am now and i can't seem to sleep. I can't sleep! I'm not tired, even after overdosing myself with some cough syrup, i'm still not that stoned. Well i thought i was stoned, but i'm not. I tried to read but that didn't work either. I don't wanna light up my citronelle cuz it gave me bad nightmares lastnight...trust me...it was odd+scary. I kept imagining bad things and i felt really uncomfortable and alll that resulted in a slight fever. I was cold but i felt hot as well, then when i took off my sweater, i started freezing..ahhh when ur sick, ur body confuses you, you don't know what you really feel. But i'm fine today, just catching the slight flu and cough. It's annoying. See! I'm so rajin, i have to write to you again.....ahh i wish somebody could just take care of me, someone like my mummy. Now i have no one and i have to be independent, i have to take care of myself. But when you're really pathetic and ill, it's kind of hard to play that role yknow. Really is. Okay thats it man...i'm sick of complaining so i mite as well do something about it..i'm gonna force myself into bed and shut my eyes and keep reminding myself not to open it, cuz thats when you start to just day dream and stay awake..ahh i dont want that. So that's what i'm gonna do....till then...tata
me force me to sleep! :(

A new day

Hey blog,
i dont know why i've been in such a pissy mood these days, i just have that mood and i can't do shit to get rid of it. The onlyplace for me to release all this is to explode either in my diary. In this blog i don't necessarily say everything, it's only the surface of what i truly mean. I mean cmon hey, its a blog, the public reads it, i dont want anyone knowing too much shit about me and das if they even bother to read it, but there's a risk kan? yup. Recently i've been going up to the office alot..and i like the atmosphere and the people. They're friendly. Well depends on who's network ur under, but my network seems just fine. Thats all i've been doing, occupying myself with that and i sleep like at 10am in teh morning and wake up at this hour, 6ish pm. Not healthy man. I have a bad cough and it's terribly cold out there, cuz i'm staying on the ground floor and when you open the back door, the wind just attacks ur face man! And it gets cold too! Isssh...now im feeling like tremendous shit, i don't know how to explain how much shit i feel like i'm in. Yes i'm stressed out, but sometimes you just don't know whats the cause for this stress of urs. It's like a combination of different tiny things that accumulate in me and then the worst part is that i keep too much problems in me that one day i'll just explode! That's my bad habit, i keep things in me, it's hard for me to really let it all out just like that. It seems plain easy to other people, but it's friggin tough for me. I just don't trust that many people. In this world, i don't know how many friends i will learn to trust. See the thing about me is that i trust a stranger more than i trust my best friends. Mebe cuz the stranger doesn't judge me the way friends do yknow. They just give you some solid advice and pooff....off they go. I dont know maybe i'm weird. No no...complicated is the word. But hey all girls are complicated right? we have different moods all the time. Like if you knew me today, i'd be different tomoro. Man i don't know why, i have a thing for shaved heads now...it's hotter to me...seriously. I think guys should just shave their heads rather than worry about how to style their hair or whatever. besides, they look better without hair. haha...some do, some don't ok i admit. Anyways i'm off, got work to do.....sorry for being sombong and barely writing to you...but my sleeping patterns so off...and i've been so lazy cuz of my flu and cough and of course the really moist weather. da fuck? haha okay....stay cool blog! hehe....i'll see ya! i miss my two dobbies!
mwahz....

a one day trip, the hwell.

Hey dude,
Right now i'm in Singapore, sleepin ova at jasons plc. Ahh it was a pretty good night of walking around and plus all the christmas decorations are already in place. But i dont fancy the mnm figures displayed infront of centrepoint, a little off. Yeah well, went to the drinkin plc near centrepoint, trus ke chjimes, had fun...talked for hours with my close friends and had some white white wine...yummay. I'm only staying for a day man! I mean i suppose to stay till tuesday, tapi jase has to book into army grounds tomoro and kellys leaving for kl tomoro, so that means i have no one! haha...oh well this trip was worth it anyways...i miss s'pore. it brings back so many memories of the past. Tomorrow i'll be goin shoppang..oh yeah...can't wait...needa get some formal wear for the new job. Life's been pretty exciting for me these days. N i'm lovin it. I miss my sisters tho, miss jakarta to death..miss playing pool in q and score. miss it all. miss pasta matrix and crystal jading,i miss it all. I miss nasi padang, no nasi padang in any part of the world can replace the one in jalan fatmawati. It's the bomb man. hehe....ahh i miss murti and krispy, my hyper pieces of shit...one to make me laugh my ass off and the other one to temenin me with all my impersonations. ahh..miss em so bad!!!! Jase is busy packin his stuff at this hour, feel sorry for him, the army life means NO life at all. You don't even get to hang out or go clubn, man that must suck ass. It does, thank god i'm not in it. National service is no fun. I thot it was, when iwas younger, but now that i have so many other things to do, i wouldn't enter it for the world. For some reason, i feel at home now...walking thru orchard road and runnin through the thick ass crowd just makes me feel safe. i dont know why. its weird..i know. Anywyas there's so many things i have to do when i get back tomoro, damn im leaving tomoro nite...and i just arrived today, it would feel liike some dream and when i wake up i'll be in KL all over again, to face the real shit. I need to get an organizer, i keep telling myself that, i keep reminding myself, yet i haven't gotten anything but just a sheet of paper to jot down all my daily activities. how pathetic. That's it! I'll be goin shopping later, i have to get an organizer, a nice one! Okay thats it for today bloggsterrrr...nothing much has happened to me since my last entry. If something does happen to me though, i'll refer to you. ciao.
belly

*thoughtless scheming*

Hey hey,
gmornin. i just woke up and yeah i know its around 3 pm but thats the time i wake up everyday man. I needa change that. Anyways i'm gonna watch The exorcism of Emily Rose soon..heard it was good....so yep yep. Damn i neeeeeeda rearrange my sleeping pattern, it's so messed up. Okay i'm trying not to swear for at least a few days, so i'll try here. Anyways i want to go to bed at at least 12am and wake up at 9am, so i have time to organize my day and stuff. Ahhh..Ok i better go now..im fff....super hungry. :D

weird nite...

hey blog,
i haven't been getting enough sleep these days, i attended an NDO seminar and it went on for like 8 hours straight with only a few 5 minute breaks here and there. But it was a good experience, i loved it. I've been really busy with this job and i'm lovin it, i love marketing. :D It helps me pass my time rather than just stay at home and do nothing. Went irish pubbin in finnegans yesterday, had 3 big ass pines of heineken and i duno mebe im weak but i got tipsy from that. And i sorta helped out a drunk girl cuz i was in the toilet and this drunk chick locked herself in the other cubicle trus...her friend couldn't get her out and went out to ask for help, but since i was so fuckn tipsy i had the guts to climb up all the way from my cubicle to the drunk chicks one. Then i unlocked the door for her and wala..., i came to her rescue. haha..nah..jk. But i'm proud of what i did, cuz i wouldn't have done that if it weren't for the drinks. Whats weird was that guys weren't hittin on me that nite, this chick was like grinding behind me and i thought it was a guy, and i got fuckn shocked when it wasn't. Scary shit...anyways i went to q bar just now with my cousin and we both wanted to check out the hotties around and stuff...but yeah well there were some but they were all fuckn taken, ruins the mooooood man. it ruins it bad. but when i club these days, i just drink and sit down on the couch and watch ppl dance...its fun that way yknow...sometimes i dance, only when the good reggae beat comes out, then i'll start groovin to it, but other than that, its all the same, there's no spice to nightlife anymore, no more excitement, cuz you know that ull always be up for the same shit every week or every night you go. This time in life, i wanna be more serious, i don't think i'll be in a relationship for long, i want to be single for the time being, i dont want to burden anyone and i'm sick and tired of arguments and shit. Ruins the friendship. I"m just gonna focus on my future for now, no nothing to do with relationships, its basically how i'm gonna succeed in this life, cuz i have this fear of being a failure. i would hate that so much. I need to have clear intentions of what i want in this life, what i want to be and how to reach those goals that i've set for myself. It's not easy, yes i know, but i'd still fight for it, i dont care what ppl say about me, i just wanna make my parents proud, cuz i just dont enjoy relying on em for everything...makes me feel so manja..i swear. hate that feeling. issh. Anyways i can't wait till december, my bestfriends are all gona be there, old times...old times....impatient i am. Ahh...anyways i better get goin now...i have an essay to do and i have to pass it up by monday...sad ain't it. ok time to end this entry, will write to you when i have time to.

mwah...

Hey blog,
long time no see. well finals are over, i sstill have to work on an essay and 2 reports, uggh..so malas. My sisters here in KL so ive just been taknig her out shoppin, drinkn, clubbin..yep thats about it. I"ve been really bussssaaaay man...no time to sleeeeeeeep that much, i feel so exhausted. I've had enough of clubbn for now. Well, me and jerm broke up, but no matter what, i'll always treat him as a good friend. I think we both made the right choice, long distance relationships are a fuckin pain in the ass. I think we spent most of the 3 months arguing about stupid stuff.
I can't wait till christmas! I miss murti, ishtine, jase, all of y'all. i miss you guys...we can smoke the greens when we get back and then go chill it mcd's! mwah love you guys!

home as it is..is great.

I love the feeling of being at home. feels goooood. home cooked food, ur sisters lying around someplc, ur mum, and yeah food again. haha. Oh man..i dunt knowwhat to do with my life, so many paths to take..just dunt know which one will be right for me. I need to know. I needa start thinking about my future now...i wanna be successful, i dont want to have to rely on anybody, it would just make me useless and manja. I used to be so manja man..when i was still living with my dad, i dunt want to live with him ever again. haha. it sounds mean yes..but oh well i really don't. Im watching the opera winfrey show..stuff you watch for entertainment. hmm...i miss jermass....he said he got fat..haha he's just trying to scare me. Anywyas ive been playing alotta pool, i lost the competition in zinc a few days back. that suckd. the guy was so freakin lucky man, he totally kept on safetying meeeeeee! hate him. he's such a pussy, i swear..his shots suck ass...yet he still won. And klaudia lost too...damn those guys are just pure lucky. I hate em for it! ahhh...anyways....lifes been pretty tough these days, stressed out and i have a PR report to do. i needa do it now! how can i get so males all of a sudden...doesn't make sense. Okay i better go do it now..i hope. or i'll just go to the 24 hour starbux. i guess i will...i shouuuuuuuulllllddd..haha
byee..gnite..mwah mwah.

drenched, drained, dead..

Dear you,
im so bored now...its my 2 month thing with jeremy today/yesterday. ngk tau ah....27th for me is 26th for him. So now that its the 28th, its the 27th for him. Never thot i would have passed a month really. Man im so stressed out, just did my pr exam yesterday, it was pretty tough, i ddin't really study for it, i ended up playing monopoly for the entire night with friends. Monopoly is addictive, thats when the money comes rolling in constantly. Ahh but at least i finished my organizational behaviour exam, thats all done. Now i have the new economy essay to finish. I'm only halfway...its due next week anyway. Schools been good, i feel i've been working harder compared to the last three sems. I dont know why, mebe cuz ive got awesome lecturers this sem, they're cool, especially writing for mass media. man the story he told us was devastating, nearly made me cry. Shit. But i still need to motivate myself when it comes to exams..i have to study in advance and stuff. Damn i dont like my sleeping pattern. I only take naps..and my naps are longer than my sleeping hours. I duno....its just not healthy.
ahh im tired blogg....gonna leave you....
byeee..

s'der som'in wrong with me..

Dear blogster,

Am i a heartless person? That i dunt know. People tell me that i dont express myself fully and that i am so insensitive towards people's feelings. It's really making me think. Ahhh i'm actually thinking loads these days, all cuza jem. He keeps questioning me and it leaves me thinking in order to answer his answers. So yeah i've been exercising my mind quite regularly these past few weeks. No wonder im so stressed out. haha..nah i just panic when it comes to exams. Im suppose to study for my business law exam at least 3 days before the day i sit for it. But fuck...whenever im studying, i'll always get a phonecall, n those phonecalls i get will always be invites. They say its not gonna take long and so i go...i follow....it takes long..i come home late...and for all you know..you've got no time to study but you desperately need time to sleep. Anyways i went clubn on friday night..it was fun..i admit. But i wish jem was there to grind with me. haha. I danced with this geek cuz damien dared me to dance with him and so i did....i taught him how to move to the rhythm and i guess he was happy enuf. hehe..i felt good about what i did. I mean cmon ppl were dissin him, even his fuckin friends man! I wanted to kill em good...and i did a great job actually. hehe. I just hate it when ppl mistreat other ppl who they feel are inferior to em. It's so chauvinistic. Ahhh dude...i miss my baby....im waiting to hang out with him again..so i wont have to go thru all da trouble just missin him. I dunt know why but everytime he reads something about me or finds out something about me, it's always the wrong things. Then he'll take it in a negative way. haha. Then he starts interrogating me about my past and about what i do...and why i did it, and what happend..shit like that..and tells me how he feels about it. He thinks too much.....he really does. But i think we've exchanged a lil bit of something, im starting to think more, and i hope he's a little more relaxed. I hope he's more immune to me by now. But he's done nothing wrong in this relationship except ask questions. haha that nosey parker. Well oh well today, i didn't really do much..just went to KLCC to get my business law textbook so i can study and ace my test..haha naw double doubts on that. hmm...trus went to bangsar REd chamber to chill, but got disappointed cuz Red chambers now called D' Haven. I mean what the fuck dude,t hats our shisha plc. Our chillin spot. Now its ruined. A new owner took over, that creep. The managements goin down man. the interior sux..its boring. the walls are white, not red anymore! ahhh...so depressing. Fuck, im so tired all of a sudden, i definitely have no energy to study. Looks like i have to absorb all the crap tomowo. x( I wanna beat that bitch bad. Competition is motivation. Yep yep...das true.

a big realization..

Dear you,
haha tonight was a funny night. i would call it strangely fun. okay whatever dude. Anyways i chilled at joyce and thims...zul came over and haha he pissed me off cuz i was too lazy to ask thim to get off the comp so i asked him to do it and he refused. so i threatened to pour water all over him. He prolly thought i wouldn't have the guts do. I did anyways..poured the whole cup, got him all wet...his face..his black shirt...nearly everything. haha. Then he still lstood there like som euseless piece of log, so this time i threatened to pour the cup of coke on him..he refused again, and so i poured the coke on him. haha..then it led to a pillow fight..or a bolster fight....then i started to use whatever goods were lying around next to me..and i rolled the newspaper up and started whacking the shit outta him. haha he's such a lil pussy man. i swear. That's when i realized that i'm pretty violent, i mean after the guling thing with Jem..that made me think. haha..im violent man. I should stop it. i should be all sweet and dainty..no fuck that shit. i'm gonna be myself and myself is this. i dont like to be bullied...or challenged...and so i go over the limits just to get what i want. ahhh..im a violent bitch. i have to stop. haha.....
Well anyways i haven't completed my essay yet...ahh males lah..its due next month anyways. isssh....anyways i've got skuuuu tomoroz...gonna sleeeeeeeepppppp and hopefully have an awesome dream.
mwahhhhhhz.

life can be sickening, so you have to be sickening to make ur life oh so not sickening.

Anyways, it was a weird day today. Myf riends came over and i had to cook em some spaghetti and salad. my famous salads. haha i know. yeah anyways...my spag was fuckd up man...didn't have any meat on it...thats what sux cuz what is a spag without its meat? its called a useless spag...a vegetarian spag. But to me it tasted quite good actually, cuz of all da parmesan and cheddar cheese i sprinkled around it. Plus the sauce was awesome too. And my salad was to die for. well all vegetarian lovers would love it! I ain't no vegetarian doug. I was for a month, respect teh effort. but i love vege just as much as i love meat. My fav type of meat is Beef and it goes well with my heineken. Thats the way i eat, i eat like a man baby. I dont like classy things, hiro made me realize that i am NOT even close to a classy person at all. I like the ghetto stuff, dirtty road side shit that fulfills ur tummy, stuff that are so dirty and messy that they taste so fuckin good. Im dirrttty. hehe oooh. okay ive gotten so lame, maybe cuz ive been chillin with jem jem too much, he's the king of being gay. All his names for me suck ass. Like krytapoo..godzilla, krystilla? what the fuck gee...he's gay. yeah you heard me..ur just pure gayness beb. :D Anyways..life's been good...man but it gets weirder by the day, maybe its cuz i get weirder by the day. Ahh i miss my best friends man..can't wait till dec. We will reunite and do some special upacara under the xmas tree of CITOS. haha i dunt know why..everytime its christmas time in citos, the xmas tree is like our landmark, a landmark of friendship, happy and retarded moments, and etcetera. Oh fuck, i have an essay due on the 7th of October, and i wanna outbeat this nerd i know to piss her off..and so i will do it mebe tomoro if i have free time, of which i always do. yes yes i'll do it tomoro! yay im so excited. just that when ppl are so annoying, they sicken me, and when they sicken me, it just makes me wanna do something about it to sicken them. And thats what im gonna do baby. :P Man jem always attacks me with his annoying questions...and it leaves me thinking...how to answer it. His questions are a bitch. He knows it himself...but what to do..he keeps asking and asking and asking. haha...anyways it was a lovely night...i'm off...got some unfinished business to keep up with. mwah mwahs...